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Surrogacy

Join to connect with others in similar situations and discuss legal processes, costs, well-being, and types of surrogacy.

Has anyone ever had a baby through surrogacy?

139 replies

highsexdriveonhol · 20/08/2023 13:45

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 15/03/2024 17:18

How about no one has the right to commodify and risk a woman's body?

EthicalNonMahogany · 15/03/2024 18:46

That's a better argument. Commodify- I agree, I would make commercial surrogacy so highly regulated it is not viable if i could control the rest of the world. In the UK where it is already not allowed I would make it not legal for UK citizens to bring children born through commercial surrogacy here. It's so much more of a grey area with friendship-based surrogacy.

Risk - again, a good argument. I suppose I can't see how I am allowed to risk my health for someone else by e.g. donating a kidney to them, but not by going through a pregnancy and giving them the baby? It's a difficult area around choice.

Delphinium20 · 15/03/2024 18:52

Organ donation is a useful comparison in part because, at least in my country, it's illegal to pay for it and it's not managed by any profit-based agency. Which I agree is the right thing. It should never be commodified and I personally feel it should be opt-in only.

The other part is there is a difference between organ donation (which, like surrogacy is a healthy risk for donor), is that organ donation saves someone from dying. That's not the same as making a baby for adults who want one, but don't need one.

EthicalNonMahogany · 15/03/2024 19:18

We don't need a lot of things, though. Most of the impacts we have on other animals or on the planet are caused by us seeking things we don't "need".

We usually weigh up the benefit of the thing we want to the person who wants it; against the potential for harm (to a person, class of people or something else) from them getting it. Then we make a decision as a society.

Where there are things that individuals want to do which would help them but harm others, we make it illegal in extreme cases and highly regulated in others.

For me the commercial surrogacy falls into that space, so we are in agreement. There are enough perverse incentives to make it overall more likely to be harmful to a class of people (impoverished women, basically), than it is beneficial to others.

Organ donation has a massive benefit but again, potential perverse consequences if commercial, so people who want to do it because they need the money should be protected from making a decision that isnt in their best interests.

Your ideal organ donation regulatory framework would work just as well for surrogacy, and in fact is pretty close to the UK model as is.

So the discussion becomes one about weighing benefit and harm.

First, what is the value of the benefit of an infertile couple having a baby? Well, to them, it's substantial, possibly the greatest "want" of their lives, is not frivolous, is one that most of us can empathise with, comes from the deepest human place and therefore should be seriously weighed up.

What is the risk of harm to surrogates? In one area, personal and emotional trauma, signficant physical risk. At the class level, risk of eroding the idea of consent and creating a sense of commodity around women's bodies.

So how can we minimise to nil the risk of harm to surrogates while preserving the benefits? This all assumes that where possible, we like the idea of choice and would ideally have people being able to pursue their wants- which isn't a given; but if we want less individual choice this would mean we have to re-evaluate absolutely all our way of life, so that's for another day).

Ways that the Uk model minimises risk:
You have to have had healthy babies before being a surrogate and if you have health conditions you will be strongly advised against doing it, turned down by clinics and agencies.

This also goes for your own mental health - you have to disclose your own level of risk. Agencies also make you build a very viable relationship between IPs and surros and will not proceed with supporting agreements if this is not there.
No profit. Insurance and expenses, including the expenses around risk and loss, are priced in and the IPs pay for everything needed, but not £100,000 for the sake of it. No commercial agencies.

So that's just a few. Everything on the thread that has been discussed as a "omg isn't this awful!" is actually already mitigated and there are things in place already to minimise risk to surrogates as it stands in UK practice.

We could go further to regulate surrogacy and minimise risk further. But to my mind if we go much further we risk removing choice from all the parties here. Thist
would seem weirdly disproportionate; given, as I say, that we seem to be happy to tolerate risk of harm to a shedload of folks in the world, in the service of our other wants.

davidlau7676 · 30/05/2024 22:30

Hi, I am in the process of surrogacy in Mexico and I know intended parents who have done the process and now have a baby with them.

It's not a 100% stress-free process for sure, but it's doable; much more doable than in Canada or UK where only altruistic surrogacy is allowed.

Positive:

  • The child will be genetically related to you, and that's a must for many intended parents who pursue surrogacy.
  • The wait time can be potentially faster than adopting a baby from overseas.

Negative:

  • If you go to US to do surrogacy, it's very very very expensive. (around 200k USD)
  • If you go to Mexico, it is less costly (about 90k to 100k USD). However, because there is no legal framework for surrogacy in Mexico City or Cancun, you might have to go to court to declare your parentage (supported by Supreme Court).

At the end of the day, the question is, do you want a child biologically related to you, and is surrogacy the only way? (Or, can you carry a child to term yourself without surrogacy?)
If you are considering surrogacy, there is a checklist you can use to see if you are ready for it because it's not for everyone: https://surrogacymiracles.mx/am-i-ready-to-go-through-surrogacy-checklist/

FannyCann · 30/05/2024 23:27

So you are exploiting an impoverished woman in a third world country.
Modern slavery and people trafficking.

Commercial surrogacy is illegal in the UK but you are happy to do that illegal activity in another country.

Nice.

EthicalNonMahogany · 31/05/2024 15:57

Yes, @davidlau7676 's assessment could not be further from anything I think of as ethical, empathic, or morally OK.

Delphinium20 · 31/05/2024 16:50

Not a single thought for the woman they are exploiting on the cheap in Mexico.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 31/05/2024 17:03

So @davidlau7676 the "negatives" don't in any way include any kind of guilt that you are exploiting the impoverished circumstances of a disadvantaged woman for your own benefit? Gosh it must be nice to sail through the world with that level of entitlement. I'm sure you will be very happy with your purchase.

yesmen · 31/05/2024 17:03

SilverSunday · 03/11/2023 15:03

In all honesty the harsh judgement on this thread makes me nervous about Mumsnet as a newcomer.

Harsh judgement about what?

Rich people never being the ones offering up their bodies to poor infertile women?

Buying or selling infants with no controls in place? Why can’t we sell toddlers at that point?

Adults satisfying their desires without regard to consequences for the children.

yesmen · 31/05/2024 17:29

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:38

But pro choice isn’t about what you think is right or wrong, it’s about choice. And you’re wondering why I’m equating anti choice to anti surrogacy. I could copy paste some of the answers here into an anti choice debate.

And you have arrived at the heart of the matter.

it is indeed choice - by all the adults in the room

Not the baby though. The baby is the commodity.

When did we decide that?

Soontobe60 · 31/05/2024 18:26

davidlau7676 · 30/05/2024 22:30

Hi, I am in the process of surrogacy in Mexico and I know intended parents who have done the process and now have a baby with them.

It's not a 100% stress-free process for sure, but it's doable; much more doable than in Canada or UK where only altruistic surrogacy is allowed.

Positive:

  • The child will be genetically related to you, and that's a must for many intended parents who pursue surrogacy.
  • The wait time can be potentially faster than adopting a baby from overseas.

Negative:

  • If you go to US to do surrogacy, it's very very very expensive. (around 200k USD)
  • If you go to Mexico, it is less costly (about 90k to 100k USD). However, because there is no legal framework for surrogacy in Mexico City or Cancun, you might have to go to court to declare your parentage (supported by Supreme Court).

At the end of the day, the question is, do you want a child biologically related to you, and is surrogacy the only way? (Or, can you carry a child to term yourself without surrogacy?)
If you are considering surrogacy, there is a checklist you can use to see if you are ready for it because it's not for everyone: https://surrogacymiracles.mx/am-i-ready-to-go-through-surrogacy-checklist/

So you’ve gone for the cheaper option then?

davidlau7676 · 01/06/2024 03:40

Soontobe60 · 31/05/2024 18:26

So you’ve gone for the cheaper option then?

Yes, I'm doing it in Mexico. US is way too expensive.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 01/06/2024 07:21

The entitlement is strong with this one.

FannyCann · 01/06/2024 08:19

Is this you?

x.com/surrogconcern/status/1796790227836575953?s=46

Has anyone ever had a baby through surrogacy?
Has anyone ever had a baby through surrogacy?
itisafuckinggoat · 03/11/2024 22:06

I’m adopted. The only mother I know is the one who raised me, not the place I was prior to birth. Don’t tell me how I feel.

lifeturnsonadime · 03/11/2024 22:10

itisafuckinggoat · 03/11/2024 22:06

I’m adopted. The only mother I know is the one who raised me, not the place I was prior to birth. Don’t tell me how I feel.

But your adoptive parents didn't exploit a woman in order to procure you.

There is a clear difference.

TempleHill · 25/11/2024 07:14

Soontobe60 · 31/05/2024 18:26

So you’ve gone for the cheaper option then?

There are other options that are more affordable than the US. Ukraine, Georgia, Greece and Cyprus. Due to the proximity to the UK and better public health, we picked Europe instead of Mexico.

ArabellaScott · 25/11/2024 07:16

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unclebuck · 25/11/2024 07:30

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lineylines · 25/11/2024 12:17

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lineylines · 25/11/2024 12:33

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:07

I’m genuinely shocked to see so much opposition to surrogacy I don’t realise it was a thing, I’m assuming these people are all anti-choice also?

Absolutely not! Staunchly pro-choice.

I had no idea there was anything dodgy about surrogacy until I went to a panel session on surrogacy at FiLia in 2019.

I would highly recommend everyone with an interest in surrogacy listens to it as it examines surrogacy from a number of different angles

You can listen to the audio of that session here.

It starts with Julie Bindel, who's language may be too TERFy for some in places, but please stick with it, the four panelists are all very insightful in different ways.

www.filia.org.uk/latest-news/2019/11/8/surrogacy-a-human-rights-violation-filia-conference-2019

OhHolyJesus · 17/01/2025 19:32

Coming to this late I realise but with that Filia panel and the speakers, I remembered this conversation between Jennifer Lahl and Shreela Saravanan. Shreela mentions how a woman was implanted with 5 embryos.

Nat6891 · 23/02/2025 09:29

So people that adopt children are wrong? what would you suggest happened the children then

OpusGiemuJavlo · 23/02/2025 09:53

Nat6891 · 23/02/2025 09:29

So people that adopt children are wrong? what would you suggest happened the children then

If you can't work out the ethical differences between transforming the life of a child who has suffered a tragedy of either bereavement or abuse or inadequate parenting and creating a new loving family for them (clue - this is a good thing) vs a wealthy person or couple exploiting a poorer woman to take enormous risks with her own body in order to create a human being as a comodity for sale (clue - this is a bad thing) then your moral compass is totally broken.

Can you cope with understanding that it can be simultaneously true that altruistic donation of a kidney is legal, and a noble thing to do, but buying a kidney from a poor person is an evil and exploitative thing to do? The surrogacy situation is similar but worse because it is trafficking a whole human being.

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