Has anyone ever had a baby through surrogacy?

[highsexdriveonhol]

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

I’ve known two couples who have had babies via Ukrainian surrogates. Neither couple showed any regard for the birth mother once they had their baby in their arms.

@Tawlk A woman can be capable of choosing to do many things, but that doesn't make it right.

Unsurprising. I saw someone on Instagram 'collecting' 'their' baby then posing with it by tanks and by bombed buildings. Presumably leaving the mother behind in the war zone. Gross.

But pro choice isn’t about what you think is right or wrong, it’s about choice. And you’re wondering why I’m equating anti choice to anti surrogacy. I could copy paste some of the answers here into an anti choice debate.

I think you need to throw consent into the mix. And what choice is ok and less ok. And what choices you can truly make if you're an impoverished woman being paid by a rich couple to risk your life. Do you think young Thai prostitutes are making positive choices to sell their bodies to western sex tourists?

Choice is an interesting topic on its own!

No. I'm pro women's rights.

If you only want want to be told fluffy bunny stories. Ask a bunny. If you want both sides of the story, you need different opinions.

I personally view surrogacy as abhorrent. I realise others do not.

It is never about the child. Always the adults wants.

It reduces women's bodies to a commodity. The financial incentive is significant. The health implications can be significant. It is exploitative, dangerous and demeaning to women. If you think otherwise you are deluding yourself.

Do you think it should be legal for people to sell their organs? Or limbs?

Agreed, It is absolutely not black and white, legislation is both key and lacking.

You’ve lost me now!

If women can choose to rent their wombs out and sell babies why shouldn't every adult have the choice of making some cash by selling parts of their bodies? Surely because they're capable of choosing to do it, that means they should absolutely be allowed to do it?

I’m still lost..
surrogacy is legal in many parts of the world, I’m not sure selling limbs is?

And I’m so sorry for hijacking your post OP 🤦‍♀️ best of luck with whatever decision you choose to make x

Jesus, rape in marriage was legal until 1991. That didn't mean it was ok!

It's legal in SOME en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogacy_laws_by_country

Thank you. One of the few comments on this thread worth to answer ❤️

I feel like you are genuinely trying to understand

Why do you think the selling of organs is illegal?

How do those reasons fit with why some of us here think surrogacy should also be illegal?

I don’t have a problem with eg a sister or friend having a baby for a childless friend. It’s the whole commercial aspect and disregard for the surrogate that I find distasteful. One couple I know faked the pregnancy and told very few people, and even staged photos in the hospital, with the “new mother” in the hospital bed wearing a hospital gown. The other, the surrogate needed a c section and the mother was screaming that she should be allowed into see her baby as she was the biological mother (she told me this) when they were sewing up the surrogate. Duty done, both surrogates sent back home, one to the east of Ukraine, where there has been heavy fighting. Genuine bewilderment from both couples when I asked if they were still in contact with the surrogate.

Indeed, the examples you have provided are not great.

I think what is important and you're partially mentioning it is that those are examples of "commercial surrogacy". Commercial surrogacy is unlawful in UK, here it can only happen via altruistic reasons. Obviously, UK parents can go abroad but only a few do so (and only a few are able to afford it).

There are 4 major agencies and a few independent groups for surrogacy in UK. I have experience/knowledge of 2 agencies and most independent groups and all go by the ethos of "friendship first".

Commercial surrogacy tends to take advantage of women in desperate financial situation and desperate intended parents (not necessarily but most of the time). However, comparing this arrangement to how surrogacy works in UK is completely unfair. I do think that as a country, whilst certain things can be improved when it comes to surrogacy (currently being discussed in parliament), keeping the altruistic reasons behind it is key.

Re expenses reaching 10k (this is in relation to another commend and not yours). Most of the expenses relate to paid leave, if the surrogate only receives statutory payment and takes/needs 4-6 months to go back to work the intended parents need to cover it in full. There are other expenses on traveling to fertility clinic, clothes, vitamins etc, but the bulk is the one I have mentioned. Surrogate should never ever be out of pocket due to surrogacy.

Interesting. Thank you. Who pays the compensation in case of maternal injury or death? Injury could be mental health as well as physical. Always a risk in pregnancy and childbirth but I understand the risks increase where the foetus is conceived with a donor egg and not the birth mother's egg.

Those should be covered as part of the agreements. The agency I am with has included those clauses (and way more stuff that I had not even thought of). In theory, life insurance should be arranged for 2 years and paid by IPs. Mental health treatment if required as well should be covered by IP expenses (including post partum depression though NHS would probably step in with that one).

Counselling sessions take place prior starting treatment with IPs, surrogate and partner (if applicable) where all these are topics discussed.

Gross

Yes correct they cannot.

The thing is about being a parent is that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own. And, at no point in the process of surrogacy is this the case. Not for the surrogate & certainly not the child.

I was lucky to have my first child at 40; but was meant to have IVF due to fertility issues. Chances via IVF were so slim, I had accepted it wouldn’t happen; and was genuinely heartbroken that I wasn’t going to have the baby I had dreamed of for years.

However, I never ever considered a surrogate for ethical reasons. Though a wealthy acquaintance did suggest it. A woman isn’t an incubator. After carrying and birthing a child, I feel even more strongly about this. After everything my body and mind went through, hormonally, physically, emotionally, how could I possibly ask another woman to do this?

How could a baby that has known its mother for 9 months be taken away so easily? How is this good for that baby? Who is looking out for that baby?! The 4th trimester is scary enough for a baby, let alone being taken away. How can a prospective parent choose this for their child from day 1?

For those that have no attachment to the child they’re carrying, and it’s merely transactional, how is this fair for said baby. Will they be loved by the surrogate or is the surrogate detached in emotion?

It reminds of the young mothers whose babies were adopted out against their will to childless couples. They wanted babies, so it was a black market for this - buying & selling babies.

None of us has the right to have a child, that’s what it comes down to ultimately. Just because you want something or people have been doing it, doesn’t make it right. The entitlement is astonishing.

It has nothing to do with adoption, or abused and neglected children either, or mothers that opt to put their babies up for adoption. Those are entirely separate issues; often with trauma.

I've found childbirth difficult and traumatic. Luckily I have managed to have one healthy child myself but have health issues due to it. I'm currently pregnant for the 4th time but I know this one may also not work out and I am putting my health at risk. I would never put another woman through that for my own desire to have a child.

I still don't understand how switching from the care inside the womb, which (in relationship based UK surrogacy) the surrogate provides, to the care from birth, which the intended mother provides, is inherently more traumatic to the baby than both those being provided by the same person. There are physical subtle needs around smell and taste and nutrition of milk suited to that baby, which often surrogates and intended mums work on together.

I know it's not better than a baby, in principle, being born to one person, being closely attached and staying with them. But for that particular baby - who has a chance at life they would not have had otherwise - it is a good enough life. A more than good enough one and 100 times better than the lives of many children born "naturally" to people who (through no fault of their own) struggle to take care of them.

Nobody tells a person who gets, say, severe PND with her first baby and does poor attachment and bonding as a result , that it is not her right to have a second baby - she can have another one and create an even poorer outcome in attachment for that one - and that's sort of fine? While two women, IM snd surrogate, planning together to create a child with the optimum attachment to its biological mother and minimising trauma - that is somehow always gonna be worse?

Obviously that's one specific use case but I include it to show you can't have a blanket "everyone has a right to give birth to their child / nobody has a right to do surrogacy" principle based only on the interests of the child.

The child born of surrogacy has a life- that he or she would not have had.