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Surrogacy

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Original poster

Has anyone ever had a baby through surrogacy?

139 replies

highsexdriveonhol · 20/08/2023 13:45

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 10/11/2023 21:00

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 20:42

Also pretty shitty to read as an adopted child 😞

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It’s bollocks though. As I am sure you know.

theduchessofspork · 10/11/2023 21:03

IfIcouldchooseagain · 05/11/2023 13:20

Hi @highsexdriveonhol . My friends did it, own sperm and egg. My friend was able to get pregnant, but all of her babies died halfway through the pregnancy, her womb just couldn’t carry them to term. After many losses they hired a surrogate in California as the laws there are helpful and the clinics good. The surrogate already had several children of her own and said she was doing it to help other women. She was paid $100,000 by my friends, and had done several other surrogacies, I heard her plan was to use the money to help her own children buy houses.

The couple were worried they wouldn’t feel related to the baby but their connection with him was immediate. He had been so desperately wanted for so long they felt like his parents from the first second. It probably helps that he looks just like them!

They considered having a second with the same surrogate who was willing to do so but they chose not to go that route again as the years of medical stuff had been so hard on the genetic mother and they wanted to focus on the baby they had and finally say goodbye to hospitals!

The hardest part for them (apart from all the injections, and the surgery for egg retrieval etc) was watching another woman carry their child. She was a bit of a party person and made some decisions they felt weren’t in the baby’s best interests, but they obviously couldn’t control her behaviour during the pregnancy despite knowing it was potentially affecting their baby. That was hard.

They have no regrets, their son is a few years old now and absolutely thriving.

Well it was her child, when she was carrying it. Only when she gave it to them after birth did it become there’s.

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:03

Soontobe60 · 10/11/2023 20:56

Sperm is not a foetus, neither is an ovum. The two combined are required to fertilise to produce a foetus, which grows within the mother’s uterus. Of course you already know this…

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Correct.. neither sperm not egg are a foetus.. Both are of equal importance when creating a foetus.
My question was are those opposed to surrogacy okay with men selling their sperm on what is basically an online catalog?

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:07

I’m genuinely shocked to see so much opposition to surrogacy I don’t realise it was a thing, I’m assuming these people are all anti-choice also?

EthicalNonMahogany · 10/11/2023 21:10

So if it's someone's own egg, their own genetic blueprint, and the generous surrogate delivers the baby into her arms, and she then takes care of it every second from the instant it draws breath, and does skin to skin, and forms a close bond, and feeds it with her own milk (which often happens), and the baby and genetic mother look like each other....there's definitely a trauma, is there? Because I reckon babies taken from their mothers to go in, say, newborn ICU, would have much more trauma than that.

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:12

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:07

I’m genuinely shocked to see so much opposition to surrogacy I don’t realise it was a thing, I’m assuming these people are all anti-choice also?

No, not at all!

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:14

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:12

No, not at all!

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Wait what, really?

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:14

juneybean · 05/11/2023 12:53

It's pretty shitty to read "the only mother a baby knows is the one that grew it" as an adoptive mother.

Adoption is completely different. False equivalence. Apples and oranges.

Adoption is child focussed and should be all about what is best for that child. Ideally every child would stay with its biological mother. Surrogacy is all about what an adult wants and creating a child for them.

Just for starters

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:14

I’m not being smart, I’m surprised and I need to do more research!

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:16

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:14

Wait what, really?

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Are you being facetious?

Why would a woman that thinks women's bodies are not commodities or baby incubators think a woman should be forced to carry a fetus that they don't want to term?

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:17

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 20:51

Just curious does everyone that’s so against surrogacy feel the exact same about sperm donors?

If you can't tell the difference between having a wank and going through 9 months of pregnancy I can't help you.

Delphinium20 · 10/11/2023 21:18

Nope. I am very much an activist for abortion rights for women. I'm a feminist and care about the rights of women, which is also my motivation in opposing surrogacy.

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:18

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:14

Adoption is completely different. False equivalence. Apples and oranges.

Adoption is child focussed and should be all about what is best for that child. Ideally every child would stay with its biological mother. Surrogacy is all about what an adult wants and creating a child for them.

Just for starters

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But any straight couple deciding to have a baby a traditional way is not “child focussed” like adoption either, choosing to have a baby in the traditional way is usually “about what the adult wants” just like surrogacy.

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:18

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:14

I’m not being smart, I’m surprised and I need to do more research!

Sorry I thought you were on the wind up!

I am against surrogacy. I am 100% pro choice.

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:18

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:17

If you can't tell the difference between having a wank and going through 9 months of pregnancy I can't help you.

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Tells me all I need to know about your level of intellect anyway 😂

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:19

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:07

I’m genuinely shocked to see so much opposition to surrogacy I don’t realise it was a thing, I’m assuming these people are all anti-choice also?

Nope, completely pro-choice.

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:20

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 20:51

Just curious does everyone that’s so against surrogacy feel the exact same about sperm donors?

The 'exact same'. No, but I don't really like egg or sperm donation either for reasons I can't be arsed to get into on Mumsnet. I've tried to have conversations about it on here before and it's so.... Well, I can't be bothered. So no, not the same but I wouldn't do donor sperm. or eggs, or surrogacy. I would rather be childless (which I am).

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:21

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:18

Tells me all I need to know about your level of intellect anyway 😂

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You compared a man donating sperm to a woman gestating a baby for 9 months and putting her body at risk of so many complications, and you want to insult my intellect? 🤔

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:22

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:18

But any straight couple deciding to have a baby a traditional way is not “child focussed” like adoption either, choosing to have a baby in the traditional way is usually “about what the adult wants” just like surrogacy.

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Surrogacy is pretty far from two people having their own genetic biological child that one of them actually grows and gives birth to (for all of the reasons on this thread and more).

FFSSharon · 10/11/2023 21:23

EthicalNonMahogany · 10/11/2023 21:10

So if it's someone's own egg, their own genetic blueprint, and the generous surrogate delivers the baby into her arms, and she then takes care of it every second from the instant it draws breath, and does skin to skin, and forms a close bond, and feeds it with her own milk (which often happens), and the baby and genetic mother look like each other....there's definitely a trauma, is there? Because I reckon babies taken from their mothers to go in, say, newborn ICU, would have much more trauma than that.

Yes I'm sure there is trauma there too. However a baby going into ICU is a necessity. Surrogacy is not.

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:24

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:21

You compared a man donating sperm to a woman gestating a baby for 9 months and putting her body at risk of so many complications, and you want to insult my intellect? 🤔

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I didn’t insult it, I made my own judgement based on your comment. I didn’t share my conclusion 😊

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:27

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:24

I didn’t insult it, I made my own judgement based on your comment. I didn’t share my conclusion 😊

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You seem to have a very one-dimensional view. How can those 2 things be compared equally? And why on earth would women who oppose surrogacy (and are usually feminists) be anti-choice?

notahappybunny7 · 10/11/2023 21:28

Soontobe60 · 10/11/2023 20:58

Procuring a child for your own selfish reasons is not the same as going on holiday for a few days then coming home FFS.

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Oh and the baby knows why it’s mothers no longer there does it?

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/11/2023 21:28

I was under the impression that uk surrogates got £10,000 or more in expenses for being a surrogate.

Tawlk · 10/11/2023 21:28

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/11/2023 21:27

You seem to have a very one-dimensional view. How can those 2 things be compared equally? And why on earth would women who oppose surrogacy (and are usually feminists) be anti-choice?

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Maybe a woman is capable of choosing to be a surrogate.

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