ooh la la je swizz un surfer!

[serialtester]

OPEN!

Any mention of knitting or adult colouring will not be allowed!

Well done ladies. Nice to see you serial.

I'd be more likely to fly to the moon than be able to start a new thread!

Hi I need some advice please. My DH has always liked coke a bit too often and a bit too much. Recently he's confessed he he's been doing it every day. We've got 4 small DC. He's been spending hundreds and hundreds, thousands. I'm at my wits end. I told him to leave till he gets clean, he's refusing to go. I told some of his friends and his family. He's so so angry with me. I can't bear it. How do I deal with this? I'm doing everything wrong and I feel so alone.

Hi exhausted you poor thing. That sounds so difficult and devastating for you and your children.
Addiction is a disease which makes people secretive and frankly, selfish. It sounds as though your dh is not admitting to anyone, least of all himself that he's an addict. There is help available but he has to want to change.

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing in telling him to leave. That maybe the turning point for him to change and you can't carry on as you are. Perhaps his family can put him up temporarily, or one of his friends?

You're welcome to stay on this thread or certainly try in the Relationships topic for advice in getting him to leave. Posters there are very clued up about your rights and the best way to move forward.
Massive hug from me

Our thread is fast running out so I've started a new one in Addiction Support. Just trying to work out how to do a click link...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/substance_addiction_/2953909-Jive-Bishop-and-The-Surfettes-Surfing-on?msgid=69744010#69744010

Thank you so much. I feel like I'm losing my mind and my only support is him. He says I've created a false narrative where our family is being torn apart by drug addiction and actually I'm the unstable one. He admits he's a drug addict so how can it be a false narrative? I am up and down but that's because it's just so stressful and I'm so confused, I love him but hate him too right now. He seems so calm in comparison. He says he will get help but he won't leave the house. It's so hard to be objective. Using drugs every day, lying, spending money we don't have, neglecting the kids and I, how can the issues be mine? Sorry if this isn't the right thread. I did have a thread going in relationships but the advice was all to leave him, I wondered if getting perspective from the other side would help. Thank you for your supportive post. I've read through some of the past threads and it does help to give some insight. I've done coke before in the past but it never got a hold of me like it does him. I don't understand not caring about the consequences you know?

Sweetheart, you sound desperate for someone to speak to about all this. Can you open up to any family or friends?Trust your own judgement. I do think your dh is in denial and trying to minimise his addiction to you, and probably to himself.
Your feelings are quite normal, it's difficult to separate the addiction from the person if that makes sense. Of course you hate what he's become. I hate myself for my own using and it's a constant fight not to do it everyday.

It is possible he'll recover but I think you're right, he needs a turning point where his life is seriously impacted by his using, be that losing his job, home or his most precious thing; you and his family.
If he is agreeing to get help then I think you should insist he leaves to do that. That might be the reality check he needs?

I'm sorry I can't help more. I'm really not an expert at all but I'm always hear to listen if that helps. x

exhausted There is a support group called SMART Recovery UK which you or you partner could look into. There are meetings for addicts and also meetings for friends and family which you might find helpful. These meetings can be held online.
SMART doesn't have the religious aspect/surrendering to a higher power that AA or NA has. That can put some people off.

Hi Exhausted, I'm not a great one for giving advice but wanted to say I feel for you and know a bit about what you are going through. Although I dabble and I'm trying to stop completely, my ex (my son's dad) got really bad and I can identify with the lies, spending money and you feeling helpless. None of it is your fault and you're not over reacting but sounds like your dp is trying to minimise the issue even though he has admitted there is one. SMART sounds like a good idea as you can talk to others in a similar position and get advice. It didn't work out with my ex because there were other issues but hopefully you will be able to sort it out with support or at least give it a go. Good luck x

Thank you so much. I'm trying to keep a clear head but it's hard. He says he's going to get help and I want so badly to believe him but honestly I just don't. I have told some friends and family, they've not been hugely helpful as drug taking is fairly normal amongst his friends. His sister is being very supportive though. The thought of walking away and being a single parent of 4 kids is really scary, I think it's sending me a bit loopy. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Thank you for listening. Good luck everyone on here struggling with their issues. I know it isn't easy on the other side either. I have huge respect to anyone who kicks such an insidious drug.

Exhausted, I'm sorry you're going through this. The blunt truth is that his primary relationship at the moment is with coke. You can't fix this, cure him or help him. All you can do is look after yourself and your kids. In order to do that you might have to LTB.

Please don't think you're doing anything wrong or beat yourself up. It's not you - it's him.

I'm glad his sister is offering support. Don't think too far ahead for now. Just concentrate on getting through step by step. Your dh may turn things around when he realises how serious you are but you need to look after yourself first and your children. He needs to prove to you he means what he says.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. That means a lot.
Come on here and vent all you like. Sometimes it helps just writing it all down to get your thoughts straight.
Take care of yourself. You will be alright.

Hey exhausted and welcome. Good advice below and another big hug. If it's your own use at least you can make some decisions to try and stop or not but a loved ones you feel like you have no control over.

There is also families anonymous which will just support you as well as the groups for him. Also intuitive recovery.

But he needs to want to stop and unless he does you can only look after yourself and the kids which must be a very scary thought. Pull in all the help and resources you can. You are not being disloyal by telling those around you you are trying to survive it and help your kids survive it. That's absolutely the right thing to do. It has a big impact on you and you have every right to say so.

Sending and