I want to dress upper middle class

[ConfusedWife1234]

I actually am upper middle class, live in an upper middle class neighborhood and because of this I would like to dress more upper middle class.

A woman I know told me she thought I was desperately poor first time we met... and I am really not happy with the way I dress.

Can you help me?

It's clearly a taat

Definitely Dubarry

ime upper middle class women exude confidence, their clothes are really not what defines them, they wear what they like and would give very short shrift to any oik who told them they looked 'poor'

Okay... I posted this twice because after posting on AIBU people told me to ask here. So I did. I do not think you all are being very nice.

Yes.... maybe your armchair psychology is being right.
I do feel like we are being a bit different from the other families. My husband has ptsd... we try to keep it a secret but always think they notice... and I always felt I was not as good as other people. Why? I am not even sure... but I know that being badly dressed does not help.

You can definitely live in a neighbourhood and be upper middle class - plenty of those neighbourhoods in London (Hampstead Heath, Blackheath, Richmond etc) as well as the super rich areas (Chelsea, Notting Hill etc). Those that live in cities are maybe less likely to be horsey/stereotypically upper middle class though.

OK, well there v much is a German UMC style. It is A LOT smarter than UK. There is a lot more dressing up when you go out for example. DH and I lived in Germany and when to the opera/concerts a lot and we generally looked like right scruffs compared to everyone else who had made a lot of effort.

Maybe stop thinking in terms of class and start seeing people as individuals? You'll see as many different people in what you see as a class set as you will anywhere else. There's no uniform. Unless you're trying to fulfil some stereotype, in which case you might as well wear a badge saying "not UMC but trying".

Dubarry isn't common round here - but poss because people have had theirs since before it was trendy and their boots are caked in mud.

Didn't Kate Middleton wear a Dubarry jacket the other day out shopping?

No such thing as an upper middle class “neighbourhood” in U.K. There are more affluent areas but neighbourhoods summons up images of suburban estates or ghettos.

If you have to ask for advice on how to appear upper middle class, you aren't upper middle class.

A defining feature of every upper middle class person I know is that they would never describe themself as such or ask how to dress to look like they were

Are you sure it is the way you dress that made her think that, or was it your general demeanor and perhaps that you are trying too hard?

Also if you do live abroad as another poster has suggested, presumably there are different tastes to the UK.

I love boden and joules and live in the south Wales valleys 😂😂😂 I don't think there are many upper middle class living in my lovely ex mining village!

Oh, it is not the same in the UK. I see. I thought there was not much difference between the Western Nations.
BTW it is right, I am from an Eastern German/Eastern European mixed background and always feel a bit lost between Western Germans and people from Western backgrounds.
Odd thing: I can speak perfect high German without the trace of an accent but people can tell me I did not grow up in Western Germany.

I think money would be better spent on counselling for both of you rather than on clothes. This fixation class, clothes and material possessions isn't healthy ime. It's also not an attitude that young children would benefit from.

What would be better for your children to learn is that people come from all backgrounds and financial situations. It's not always obvious to guess a person's bank balance by the clothes that they wear. What does matter is impeccable manners and a good attitude.

confused I’m sorry if you think that people aren’t being nice
However, saying you want to look like a certain class isn’t helpful. Firstly because you are not in The UK so our class system here ( which may or may not exist) isn’t relevant to you. Also, you will struggle to look like a British UMC person because you aren’t one. I am not either, although I do mix with them sometimes and even if I bought exactly the same clothes as them I don’t think I would look exactly like them, and I’m ok with that.
Think about how you want to look, more groomed or smarter or more glamorous or whatever and then people might be able to help you by making suggestions BUT unfortunately a lot of people won’t read the full thread and won’t realise you are in Germany so will suggest British shops. I know Boden ships to Germany so have a look there but the UMC people I know wouldn’t be seen dead in it.
I stand by my amateur psychology though, different clothes might help a bit but they won’t address any deeper issues so perhaps you can think about how you could do that?

Why is it important to you that strangers look at you and form the impression that you're upper middle class. I'm blushing for you as a I type that.

I'm just a poor middle class girl, from a poor middle class family, nobody loves me.

I am drawn to certain things and I wish I could afford everything that I was drawn to instead of scouting out cheaper interpretations but such is life.

I completely don't agree with Anna Bey's (jetsetbabe) philosophy about relationships, but I did subscribe to get her cheat sheet on 'how to look expensive'. A lot of it makes sense. Here's a snippet.

why are you keeping your dhs ptsd a secret? there is nothing to be ashamed of! you dont have to shout it from the roof tops but honestly, your life sounds mentally exhausting - you are worth just as much as the people who dress a certain way or had the luck to be born somewhere else!

I don’t think people have been particularly not nice, OP. Fair enough, a couple of tongue in cheek replies, but the majority of replies have tried to help you.

I think confidence does have a lot to do with appearing UMC, as a PP said. You sound like you have very low self esteem. If you really want to fit in with your neighbours more (although anyone who is rude enough to say you look poor does not sound UMC to me) then I think taking up hobbies that they also do would be a better step forward for you. Becoming genuine friends with them rather than trying to slip your way in by putting the ‘right’ clothes on is a healthier move. Otherwise, even if you dressed exactly like them, you’ll still not feel like you fit in.

I’m sorry your DH has PTSD. That must be very hard for you both. Genuine friends would want to support you both, not shun you.

My MIL fits this bill but she no longer lives in a huge house with a tennis court and a housekeeper. She has never made any comment about class or peoples income or alleged status in the twenty years I have known her. Your problem was receiving a comment from someone who is incredibly rude and has no class at all.

I would think that maybe the reason MN is obsessed with class is because it is very much dominated by posters who would be in the MC bracket if you had to define them using social science methods and they are the class most obsessed with class. I studied access to education and income levels when I was at University. It’s all very fascinating and the poster who says why do people care so much I’m WC is a perfect example of WC people not being bothered.

There is no one size fits there are always outliers in models like this but there are features to all classes though many are very subtle. As much as the napkin/serviette debate seems trivial it’s an indicator, though why should it matter.

I say wear whatever you like do not allow yourself to be defined by others and work out why someone’s crass comment has hurt you so much.

You need some cashmere jumpers in several colours ( uniqlo to get you started) dark jeans, and wool mix fabric trousers. You'll also need some leather loafers, black and brown with matching leather belts. Add a few shirts, and a good leather jacket and a blazer. Wear scarves.
Lastly, ignore passing fashion and google French style!

No idea. I couldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me.

I think it's dangerous putting people into boxes like that OP. My family has land and property and I went to a school much as you described. I don't have horses although I rode when I was 4...So I'm guessing I'd hit your demographic. Tbh the last thing I care about is fitting in with how others look. I think fashion is ridiculous and have been thrilled thst some classic looking 90s clothes are back in fashion at Primark- I've still got things from my teens because I've not liked the weird cuts and bells and whistles since. I've got dubarry boots that are covered in mud but used every day for dog walking. I don't even bother to brush them . Also 're the idea traditions are important...My parents divorced when I was 6 and I'm a single mother. I've known many from school with similar situations and some staying in very unhappy marriages for the sake of "saving face" so to suggest class somehow protects you from life is odd.

I'd say whatever you wear it's the way you wear it that counts. If you feel big loose some weight if it will boost your confidence. The less you put all of your efforts into labels and brands the better. Clothes are the worst way to waste your money! The odd expensive accessory or good coat is all that is needed. To really fit in you need something more interesting to talk about than clothes - that would be more effectual in helping you to for in I suspect. Try listening popular topics and seeing what fits with your interests so that you can add to conversations. People will remember that more than which trousers you were wearing.

Ok lets cut the class bullshit shall we.

Forget about that and other people.

Dress for YOU! What do you feel confortable in?

You like jeans? Dress in jeans. You like jumpers? Boom.

I used to dress out of charity shops but now i just stick to fat face and white stuff. Only when there's a sale on.

Anyone who judges your "class" by how you dress is probanly a wannabe anyway.

I suspect you are finding a difference between East Germany and West. Probably varies between states. You need a German version of Mumsnet to help you really.

I found a personal shopper really helped me - I had sim issues about feeling v insecure and once I had the 'uniform' on it did give me the confidence I could fake it til I made it.