I want to dress upper middle class

[ConfusedWife1234]

I actually am upper middle class, live in an upper middle class neighborhood and because of this I would like to dress more upper middle class.

A woman I know told me she thought I was desperately poor first time we met... and I am really not happy with the way I dress.

Can you help me?

I think perhaps you are wondering how you and your DCs "blend in" to the neighbourhood better (rather than asking what upper class people wear). How about just doing a few observations and write them down if it concerns you so much? Your DCs should be able to say what their friends wear - any brands that crop up all the time?

I think what you’re actually asking is a different question altogether.

You need to develop confidence so that you won’t feel inferior to others. It can be really hard to get over it if you have been bullied or made fun of when you were younger, but it can be done.

You want to fit in, and you want your children to feel comfortable and accepted by their peers. Nothing wrong with that.

But,

Aping other people’s clothing will only get you so far. As you have said, there are cues through which others can tell that you are from a different background. Humans are programmed to recognise when people are not exactly like us, we do it instinctively.

There is nothing wrong with being a little different. You don’t need to be exactly like them. You need to find those people who don’t care, who are decent enough to look past differences in background and/or ethnicity or whatever, and fall in with them.

Mostly, you need to develop your sense of entitlement. You are no worse than them, and they are no better than you.

I’m afraid that on the clothing question we probably can’t actually help you - the styles and brands will be specific to that area.

I actually taught a German (Prussian) prince at a Scottish boarding school I worked at years ago, a very polite young man with lovely manners, not sure how he dressed when not in uniform, pretty conservatively I would say. If you check out pictures of off duty European royalty in gossip magazines, you should get the idea, I think those suggesting well maintained, quality cashmere, good coats and boots discrete hair and make up and scarves are about right.

So youre a princess? Or titled? Is that what youre trying to say?

Go to a personal shopper, get a recommendation from a local facebook forum. You could describe your lifestyle but say that you want to look classy and polished and appropriate.

There is some good advice here, OP.
I used to spend time in Germany. The West Germans I think you are living amongst often have such an air of confidence and affluence, it's easy to feel uncomfortable unless you are confident in your own skin.
I also remember when I was a student feeling scruffy and inadequate at the sight of the schoolgirls in Switzerland!

If you otherwise like where you live, you have to take steps to feel more inner confidence in yourself. Meanwhile, throw out your shabby, ill-fitting clothes. You need robust things for your lifestyle, but they can fit well and be of good quality fabrics.

I think you've been advised to get your colours done, and I would recommend this too. It will help you find the colours that flatter you and make shopping easier. A bit of googling revealed Color me Perfect in Germany, and Colour me Beautiful as well? You live near a city so I would strongly recommend you treat yourself to a session with an adviser.

No, I am not a princess. No, not all. In my language a princess is upperclass not upper middle class.

I might have used the word wrong.

UMC in my language - a military officer (for example)
Upper class - a prince

I do not want to dress like a princess. That would be odd if I am not one.

How about a MaxMara coat and really good Italian boots, shoes and designer pumps. I think style starts with footwear and coats.
I am not sure if this is how the upper classes dress but it would certainly help your confidence if you were expensively dressed. You say that you are outdoorsy though and get messy.

Sorry -forgot to say - Pearls!

You must always wear a string of pearls next to your skin, no matter what the activity - mucking out horses, school run.

Preferably inherited but invest now and your kinds /grandkids can get 'em!

I think the problem is that we might dress differently over here compared to how you want to dress - could you look at the people you want to emulate and describe how they dress? Or is there someone whose style you admire? If it is people you live near and spend time with, could you ask someone that you trust where they buy clothes from?

I like pearl drop earrings but a string of pearls, omg, I'm happy to be non U

I'd be afraid to wear a string of pearls. I might never have sex again.

Allow and encourage your children to express themselves and to wear the things they like rather than emphasisising fitting in and being a follower.

And seek some therapy to help you to develop some self worth

You've posted about this class obsession you have before and people had the same reaction. It's vulgar. As pps have said, therapy would be a better investment

@Madison Montgomery To give an example of a woman whose style of dress I admire. This is another mother of at my sons sports club.

Last time I met her she was wearing a black skirts, black tights, black turtle neck pullover, pearl studs, great looking necklace, finger nails manicured (it never stays like this if I have them manicured).

I would really love to wear black but not sure if I can wear it and it looks great on my... sounds a bit odd.. I am a bit ashamed to wear something looking to pricey because I think that I as a person am not like her... because her life seems to be so perfect... while I am just... normal.

The point about Princes and Princesses is that they are photographed because of who they are so you can look at how they dress, they don't tend to dress differently from UMC when not dressed up for special occasions, I wasn't implying you were a Princess. I just googled " princesses in jeans" and found a good article from a fashion magazine.
There isn't really a direct equivalent of " Juncker" in Britain, it's a very German thing, the nearest in Britain would be a Squire or Laird, for example, the kind of people who filled the upper ranks of the Army and enjoy country sports, I suspect they dress in the German equivalent of what we sometimes call "county" style.
However, I agree with those posters encouraging you to find your style and avoid comparisons, much healthier.

You are so blinkered OP, you can’t see or hear us

Greenglassteacup....Absolutely, please don't pass this hang up onto your children. Encourage their own freedom and self expression..Hopefully in time you'll see that no one gives a fig and you can be free to be yourself too...

It’s too late

because her life seems to be so perfect... while I am just... normal.

Oh god, wish I hadn't wasted my time.

Back to the counselling advice for you!

OP, you have a self esteem problem, not a style one, said in the kindest possible way.

Get yourself to some counselling.

Ok. So it's that sense of inferiority you need to deal with. It absolutely will affect the way you carry yourself, and will colour how others see you.

If you have the money and can afford to invest in a capsule wardrobe of good quality clothes then you have just as much right to wear those clothes as anybody else.

It’s a uniform. It doesn’t matter if you feel it is authentic or not - you wear it and become used to it and then it starts to feel natural.

A mountain of new clothing is not going to solve this

I would do the opposite to most people's suggestions and develop your own sense of style. That moneyed look is often extremely hard to emulate, as well as quite boring (do their mistresses all look like that lol?) If there is social exclusion, it won't be down to your clothes. It's about a manner which will be hard to develop later in life- so I'd develop yourself just as you are, develop a look that is flattering to you (and perhaps a bit more exciting than no-make up and pearl earrings!) and then go out and live your life.

I'm sorry your husband has PTSD, it seems like that is really dominating everything for you. I know it's hard to socialize and be confident around people when one family member is having troubles/isn't quite the same as everyone else. Again- try to see this as a filter for how nice and good people are, not what they look like. Good nice people will not care about this and if anything will go out of their way to include you and make you feel ok about it.

I agree that counselling would help you make sense of some of this and also help you cope yourself with your husband's issues (I have no idea how profound they are or if he needs care/can work).

I also agree with whoever said try to make friends with similar people to yourself- I am always drawn to the more academic, slightly different/outsiders, or foreigners as that's mostly what I am! If I tried to blend into a group of long-time friends and neighbours I probably wouldn't succeed. Invite children over, socialize in a low-key way and don't put your worth in being judged by these people. They are literally just people, just like you, they are not 'more worthy' or 'better', just people.