Anal bleaching

[poobag]

Right, I'm looking for a product to lighten up the skin around my anus and vulva. Approaching 40 and had 3 kids - I couldn't look less like a porn star down there if I tried. But try I will.
Any recommendations?

You could try shoving a lemon up there.

Think I need a brain bleach after reading through this.

Breakfast

How often do you bend over of a day OP? If one's job involved a lot of knickerless bending over I can see one might be tempted by bumhole bleaching. Otherwise I'd leave it be.

I wonder if domestos on a tampon would be a bit nippy?

You can use Jolene if you mix it 2:1 with toothpaste (AFTER making the Jolene up first), then you put it on a tampon, use the tampon as a dauber (work spiral fashion) then finally wedge it half way up your bum and wait ten minutes. Easier on all fours than your back.

'Jolene, I'm begging you, please don't take my bum tan'

You could try shoving a lemon up there.

Maybe a lemon wedge, realistically.

Or Sun In could work, if they still sell it; Spray and go?

Yes! Sun In!
After a thorough application you can either point your rusty sheriffs badge at the sun or blast it with a hairdryer.
May turn an undesirable shade of orange though like my hair during my teenage years.

Maybe you could reflect the sun's rays appropriately with your small hand mirror OP?

Wedging a tampon covered in cream bleach up your arsehole defo sounds like a good idea.

It does, doesn't it?

I'm torn now, though, between that and the Sun In experiment.

Well, let's look at it...
The tampon covered in bleach cream will also bleach the inny bit of your rectum depending on how far up you shove it.
Also tampon could go awol.

Sun In with exposure to sun using mirrors could set you on fire.

Both options could result in a trip to hospital worse for wear but you'd have a lovely polo mint to show for your efforts.

Don't do either if you're 'torn'. It'll smart.

It's half 3... Ds just woke us both up!!! Feeling so guilty that DH is up and I'm just having a quick look through MN before going back asleep.....

I have tears rolling down my face ..... Arsehole pinkerupperer has to be THE best term ever!!!!

This deserves a place in classics .... Then clicked on the bridesmaid link... got wrong bit... Watched them all shitting themselves . ...

How am I meant to sleep now!!!

I love this thread so much!

Toss

Both options could result in a trip to hospital worse for wear but you'd have a lovely polo mint to show for your efforts.

And most importantly, OP won't be a "cave woman in a cardigan". Priorities

Am now wondering if those wearing cardigans at my BDSM group are doing so because they've not done their anal bleaching. Mmmmmm.

Don't knock the seductive nature of a well knitted cardigan

Most of my cardigans only come to around my waist.

Does that mean I should be bleaching my arse even if I were to have sex whilst wearing a cardigan?

This thread has cheered me right up! I couldn’t sleep and I’ve come downstairs. Now I’m laughing so much DH has just got out of bed, rushed downstairs as he thought I was crying.

This thread is making me want to put a cardigan on and turn the lights off

This thread has given me much needed laughs, thank you 😋

There should be a rating on this sort of thing.

So inspectors could assess you on a scale of 1 to 10, a scientific approach, like tooth colour.

OP if you're serious S&B tends to be focussed on foundation, perfume and clothes (and cardigans...), you'd need to google for a safe way to do this if you want to do it and specialist advice. It all sounds a bit L.A.

I didn’t know cave women wore cardies, though it makes sense, it would have been chilly at night before the discovery of fire. Do you think they wore long cardies to cover their cave arses, since bleach wouldn’t be invented for many thousands of years?