The Darling Crepes of May

[CointreauVersial]

My turn......

Blimey you lot are chatty! Bras, O-levels, smear tests, it's all happening here.

I have a hangover. First for ages and I feel terrible - got a bit over-excited and drank too much prosecco at pregnant friend's last girls night before baby. Am now at work and have just had to consume a leftover croissant from Tuesday's meeting to settle my wobbles (stale carbs, mmmm). I have also taken a fistful of painkillers for the headache, which haven't worked, although my back feels much better. [sluggish and bleeeurgh emoticon]

Sorry for others' aches and pains although glad Auriga is starting to feel better.

Herbs - in preparation for my smear tests (which are also my least favourite thing, would rather do a bungee jump during a root canal procedure) I take codeine, slightly more than is advised on the packet. I find it makes me care really far less about what is going on.

Maybe codeine, washed down with gin. I could then float through the whole experience.

Herbs - based on what you've said, he should definitely support you through your course. You have facilitated his career and he does stand to benefit when you qualify, I don't see the issue about 8 months.

I have decided I'm going to the hairdresser or bust - I can't stand it anymore - sod the rain!

Sorry, crossed posts with last few re marriage. Herbs, that is a tough one, but can you put it aside until the immediate question of support during your course is settled? If you supported him through a Masters that improved his career prospects, surely it is your turn? I realise it is very hard to sort anything out if the other person doesn't respond - early in our marriage (or rather just after we had children) dh and I had similar problems, very different attitudes to money and him not wanting to discuss it or make a budget or a plan of any kind, so when I stopped earning I had to keep asking him for money, which I hated, so I didn't. When I finally got through to him that we HAD to do something or his children would be in rags, we ended up setting up a system that has worked (mostly) well for us since. And he admits he is happier now everything is joint - he is thankfully a very generous man who has never raised an eyebrow on anything I have spent, as he knows I am far better with money than he is, so if I've bought it, we can afford it.

It is a very emotive issue though, sympathies.

Thank you all my crepey friends. I must actually DO something and talk to DP. My total lack of assertiveness plus his extreme conflict avoidance has meant we've just bumbled along, on parallel tracks, and most of the time things have worked out. But it's not a particularly healthy way to go, with a lot unsaid, and doesn't get big stuff sorted.

And Wilbur - I hope your hangover eases. I always find the evening of hangover days curiously pleasant, as you drift off on the settee, perhaps with a hair of the dog.

Herbs, going straight to the practical here - my last but one smear, the nurse asked me if I wanted to insert the speculum myself and I did. It didn't hurt at all. She then confirmed it was in the right place and took the smear. She said she doesn't know why that is not more common, if women are comfortable with it, as they don't tense up and they know instantly if it is hurting. Could you ask at the clinic and say someone on the internet told you about it?

We put off getting married for ages despite the appeal of dh's pension and although we had to make new wills, it didn't change anything as everything went to the other person anyway, because they would be left bringing up dc on one income/with childcare costs.

Your poor FIL's illness was so quick, I can see now may not be the best time to raise big subjects - maybe you could just put down a marker to him that before your course starts you would like to sort some of this stuff out? We share finances and never question what the other spends (I occasionally tell dh that yes, it is OK for us to pay someone to do an unpleasant job that technically he could do in his two hours of leisure that weekend).

I think I am with MI on the marriage front - have never wanted to, although as I get older and having ds I can see the appeal purely from the inheritance tax and the less hassle if anything happened PoV.

Dp and I have separate accounts as our approaches to money are very different (I know to the penny, he doesn't care), but it has never been an issue, who ever has at the time pays...... I've supported him (PhD and early career) and he's do the same like a shot (if I could work out what the hell I wanted to do) - he frequently tells me to jack it all in :)

Yes, I think QQ speaks mucho sense (as usual). You need to work out what you want and you need to sort this stuff....

Wise words once more. Smear-wise, it's not so much the speculum and subsequent cranking, but the scraping bit itself. My parts have now healed over at the thought.

Marriage can indeed be put on the back burner, but we MUST do wills, and I do need to sort out the course money business as need to apply for a loan if required...

AAArgh…just lost my message! Herbs hugs and empathy to you. Smear test…the only thing that helps me is calm breathing and pretending it's all happening to someone else. Do go. It's important. I am overdue for a mammogram…there's only so much pulling and prodding and poking a girl can take,isn't there.
Mother black trousers it is…I've got a bootcut pair which will hide the waterproof boots I have to wear. Sadly no, sandals or converse look- a- likes…not today. AAArgh it's bucketing again…Laters.

Herbs, I'm not at all surprised that you are feeling wiped out. You have had so much happening over the past few months. And then there's all those committees... Plus holding it all together on the domestic front. And now about to embark on a career change.

Please forgive me if this sounds banal and idiotic, but would it help to write a list of things you feel need tackling and then prioritising them? It sounds as though you have so much on your plate on a day-to-day basis that dealing with stuff as it arises takes up all your time and energy and then those big ole' elephants in the room just have to wait for another day/week/month etc. It certainly sounds as though there is a need for you and dp to have a full and frank discussion about finances. There is so much potential for building up a huge amount of resentment when these matters get left unsorted. I'd probably opt for the idea of keeping the issues of marriage and finances separate. Might it even be worth getting some professional advice about the finances, seeing as it involves inheritance issues etc?

Actually, Herbs, the issues involved in doing the wills will force your DP into thinking about the matters that he has been trying to avoid and give you the perfect opportunity to air some things. So it might, er, kill a lot of birds, as a friend of mine likes to say.

I won't proffer advice about smears as I'm happy for me bits to be jacked open and any amount of sticks to be poked in there. I had abnormal smears in my early 20s and ended up having a colposcopy at 26. So I had annual ones for years and years and now get twitchy because I only have them every 3 years.

An independent financial person would be a good idea. It's such a sensitive area, isn't it. As soon as I even raise the issue that if we split up I'd be up shit creek in a barbed wire canoe he gets all affronted that I'd even think he'd want to split up, or not be an utterly decent cove if we did so. 'Are you saying I'm a horrible person?' type thing. Rather wearing.

But the amount building up behind increasingly flimsy defences is already causing resentment with me, and is creating a distance. Even being able to broach the subject would be a major releif.

Oh Herbs, big hugs. I agree with the others that smear tests should only be a bit uncomfortable. Mine hurt less since having the DC, but I imagine that is because my bits got stretched beyond belief whereas yours are still intact
Could you write him a letter explaining your worries and how you are feeling. I agree that if you supported him, then he should support you, but it's all very tricky if he refuses to face up to things. I'm afraid I just go straight for the jugular, but DH needs that or he keeps his head firmly in the sand. Anyway, he is more than able to stand up for himself and is thicker-skinned than a rhino

BTM, my approach is the same as yours. My exh was famously controlling and unpleasant, as well as keen to avoid facing issues he deemed uncomfortable, but I will be forever glad that, despite everything, I forced the wills issue on him, citing it to be our duty as parents to sort out all that stuff. Dh just likes to keep his head in the sand for a quiet life, so I also just have to "have the conversation" about whatever the issue is, or he will keep on with his avoidance tactics.

I've adopted the coping strategy of just doing what I think best if he ignores my question three times in a row, but some things I actually need his input!

I think will making could help. Our solicitor was very brutal about how nothing else mattered except providing securely for the dc - so actually there were no decisions to be made, given we trusted each other. It was very simple. I think perhaps if you did that and ticked death off, as it were, it might be easier to think through the other stuff: your ds will be at the heart of all these decisions, given no-one can know what the future holds - the will-making process highlights that - and maybe once you have the Other Conversation, that will make things simpler and clearer? I am not sure how much extra protection marriage gives you nowadays in the face of separation if you have dc?

Yes Stropps, DH tries to get a quiet life by avoiding things, but I just don't let him
I have always been blunt (Northerner) and after suffering DMs refusal to discuss any feelings and hide failings and general social weirdness, I like to get everything out in the open. It can be a bit shouty in our house (not just me!) at times, but no-one sulks or bears grudges. DS's footy coach described him as wearing his heart on his sleeve - I had not thought about that before, but it's true. And for DD. And for me as well at times!

We still haven't sorted our wills, after the attempt last year was scuppered by the crap solicitors receptionist. I should really try to sort it again. DH will be avoiding it (hates forking out money for things like that!)

I'm imagining that if we were married, and split up, I'd automatically be entitled to more (of his earnings? er...) than if not married. Not sure about DS - would DP have to pay more towards his maintenance than the CSA would extract? The house would be split 50:50 whatever happened.

It would seem I don't know my arse from my elbow on this matter...

CSA is being abolished, isn't it? Or you have to pay for it out of the maintenance if you can't reach a settlement yourselves? No idea how earnings of one partner get split to the other, but I think houses, etc get split 50:50.

That's what I am not sure about, Herbs. A married friend who split up recently seemed to get the CSA amount, house etc split equally, everything geared around providing security for the dc - another reason I suspect that once one gets closer and finds out more, some of the apparent complexity just fizzles out, if that makes sense. Anyway, will stop blethering as I am not sure I know my arse form my elbow on this either!

Well, this is it. If we didn't get married, then all my inheritance < rubs hands > would be mine. This would act as my pension. I put a huge lump sum into the house, but DP's paid more towards the mortgage, so splitting it 50:50 would be fair(ish). The only thing I'd lack is compensation for my career going down the pan, but if we got married now, how much of that would be taken into account anyway, as it happened before we're married?

So, as you say, not a huge advantage to getting hitched, other than a nice party and keeping my mother happy.

this any help Herbs?

Pre marriage both me and DP had a lot of fear going on around trust and commitment and both agree we feel more trusting and closer since we got married (when dds were nearly one and nearly 4). We don't hold our cards to our chests as much. That's just us but it's been an unexpected improvement.

Like you herbs, I put in the massive majority for the house and actually felt like I was putting myself in a wobbly situation. Also like you, DH has been in charge of the mortgage.

Arizona dust bowl? Geography moment...

Another thought Herbs , which may be a way in to getting dps attention :
When you take out a student maintenance loan , your total income is looked at ( these rules are changing so check it out) when it comes to repaying , if you were married it may mean dp would be liable to help repay your loan. This means implications for him so I would query this with SLC before taking out the loan . Fortunately, afaik inheritance is Not taken into account regarding repayments.