How do you give yourself permission to look good?

[BabCNesbitt]

This isn't for the women who've always invested in their appearance and for whom taking care of their looks is as automatic as looking after their health - who've never questioned whether it's OK to spend money on clothes, skincare, etc.

It's for women like me who perhaps grew up with mothers who thought make-up was for vain women who clearly didn't put enough food on the table for their kids.

Or maybe you grew up with a version of feminism that disdained make-up, but even though you don't necessarily hold to that you still feel a bit guilty about being interested in it.

Or you've just internalised the idea that spending money on yourself - on decent clothes that will last, on skincare that isn't 2.99 from Superdrug, on makeup from department stores rather than the supermarket - is inappropriate now you're a mum.

How do you get over that guilt? If you have, how did you do it - what did you tell yourself? And if you haven't, why not?

(And actually, if you've never felt any guilt about it, why do you think that is?)

It was very appropriate.

However, I may namechange ...

Not really caring about make-up to work, caring about what clothes I wear makes me look/feel good. Only "permission" I think about is getting some exercise 3-4times a week - and it's the best thing that works forme appearance-wise too. The guys at work talk about MILFs come what may

I've been mulling this over for a couple of days now, and wonder if anyone else also feels that they 'dumb down' their look to avoid attracting male attention? I loved to wear heels and display my cleavage when I was younger, and loved the whole thrill of the chase with men, but now as a married for years mum of two, male attention feels somehow inappropriate and unwanted.

I think that term MILF is so derogatory, I hate to hear it or read it.

I overheard a conversation between some Year 11's. the boy told the girl, her mum was a MILF. The young girl was very pleased about this and said shed tell her mum, who'd also be pleased/flattered. So, it seems a 50+ woman is happy to be thought "attractive enough" for some adolescent boy to remark, that she is still a viable (fuckable) woman. Nice.

That's hideous, Eliza.

Aftereight I don't flaunt my cleavage etc as I think people might injure themselves laughing.

Isn't it!

yournotfat sadly I don't have much of one these days after bf. I did mean that I did tasteful cleavage, of course
But now I definately dress to NOT appear attractive to others, not sure why.

What does milf mean?

a MILF = a Mum I'd Like to Fuck.

.

Mainly said as shorthand for "hot Mum"...whether or not you're making an effort appearance-wise. Joys of working with (mainly male) Engineers

I think there's a bit of an ingrained cultural idea that mums are selfish if they spend tehir money, time and energy on making themselves feel and look good. They should be giving it all to DC.

There is also the pressure to live up to beauty stereotypes and not be frumpy.

These mixed messages are a bit confusing, which is why people should stick to fingers up at it and do what makes them happy.

Interesting topic. I spend money on clothes make up and skin care I always have. The amount has gone up and down within context of my income outgoings etc.
I did feel an expectation that I would stop wearing make up and gojng my hair when dd1 was born. I didn't.
My mother took years to accept I wasn't going to stop wearing make up etc and gave me a hard time about it initially. In my family it's all about oh no you can't spend time in the bathroom - actually now in thinking about it, all time investment in looks was scoffed at as being almost selfish and v silly - from my dad as well. Exh attitude was actually v similar unless the effort was to titilate him. Then he was all for it naturally.
One friend of mine mocks me about make up and hair etc and calls me a wag. I don't appreciate this and it's a similar theme to my parents and exh. She was quite funny with me when I shelled out for gym classes and made comments that I ought to be spending the money on the dc. My dc have v pampered lives! Then she made comments about the kids being in the crèche - it's been about once a month. It was a bit of a who do you think you are kind of attitude....from someone with lots more cash than me but maybe not the autonomy. Mind you this is all in the context of who people thought I was supposed to be post divorce.
Anyway....I'm adopting the I'm worth it mantra

I completely agree. I think it's important that your kids see you as an independent adult not just there to see to their every need.
I have three sons and I have always been aware that when they choose a partner in life they will treat them based on the example they have had all their life. I want them to see their partner as an individual with their own life, needs and wishes, who is allowed to put themselves first.
I'm not sure if that came out right, but I hope you know what I mean.

Hamwidge your "friend" should look to herself instead of being so interested/judgemental about what you choose to do with yourself. I wear my face everyday. I'm 51 in a couple of weeks. Some days I look awful, despite my best efforts and others I look and feel great!

Someone told me recently that I should not wear any makeup at the weekend. Apparently, to let my face "breathe". This "friend" is 7 years my junior and people always assume we're the same age. I would NEVER suggest to her, to use a bit of blush, lippy and mascara. She looks how she does and that's fine by me.

I enjoy my weekly Yoga and am truly inspired by the people who attend the class who are 20+ years older than I am. I do my run 5 x a week because i feel energised after. I cycle where I can. I've had a tough life, (Haven't we all!) and frankly, I try to do the best I can in terms of "looking after myself" because if I don't, who will?