How do you give yourself permission to look good?

[BabCNesbitt]

This isn't for the women who've always invested in their appearance and for whom taking care of their looks is as automatic as looking after their health - who've never questioned whether it's OK to spend money on clothes, skincare, etc.

It's for women like me who perhaps grew up with mothers who thought make-up was for vain women who clearly didn't put enough food on the table for their kids.

Or maybe you grew up with a version of feminism that disdained make-up, but even though you don't necessarily hold to that you still feel a bit guilty about being interested in it.

Or you've just internalised the idea that spending money on yourself - on decent clothes that will last, on skincare that isn't 2.99 from Superdrug, on makeup from department stores rather than the supermarket - is inappropriate now you're a mum.

How do you get over that guilt? If you have, how did you do it - what did you tell yourself? And if you haven't, why not?

(And actually, if you've never felt any guilt about it, why do you think that is?)

I have recently given myself the permission to look good by not weighing myself. At all. Not pre holiday which I have done for the last 20 years and judged my self worth by the number on the scales. I am over weight i.e. a 16/18 at 5.6 but it has ever been thus and weighing myself has made me feel shit. So now I don't do it and this holiday it has been very liberating. I feel good about the basic me without the need to measure it by way of the scales! The first time for 20 years that I don't know what I weighed pre and post holiday

Oh and all holiday I let my hair go curly and didn't wear makeup. That was lovely too

Re the SAHM 'value' - I struggle with this because we didn't have to have children. They were a choice (a luxury?) and so my staying at home with them seems like that also. If we didn't have them, we wouldn't need to spend that £800/month or whatever. Whereas food/mortgage etc would always be needed..

So I'm in the position of buying clothes from ebay and in the sales (always!) despite having an annual income through DH of well over £100k... I simply cannot allow myself to spend more than £20 on an item of clothing for myself...

Anyone help me get my head around that?

I don't think there's anything wrong with eBay sales or charity shop spending. When I think of the lovely stuff I've donated I hope a mn somewhere might be wearing my boden coat I didn't get on with, the brand new gap jeans that never did go over my arse.
I know I use my money wisely and do there's no guilt attached.
Now when I buy that watch, ring and handbag I want fort 40th it could be a whole different matter but I will have paid off my debts, mortgage etc by then so actually I will have earnt them.

Flowers that's an interesting one. Whilst number of children may be a 'personal luxury', we need children as a society to function. Where are all the future doctors, bus drivers, engineers, teachers going to come from otherwise?

If you don't mind me saying so it's really sad that you will spend so little on yourself when your DH earns 100k. Half of that money is yours. Once bills etc are paid it should be split fairly between you.

I had a friend who had no money for herself as was a SAHM. Her DH would buy her clothes etc as birthday presents only, whilst buying himself a new car, Apple computer, surf board, £700 suit etc. I thought that was financial abuse but she never saw it.

My mother did not wear makeup and rather disapproved of the whole thing. Or rather, she felt sorry for women who were under the yoke of vanity. She had no vanity. But she was also very classically beautiful, which I think makes it easier!

Aging, I think, changes things. I have the sort of face that will look best in middle age - it is imposing with high cheekbones and a masculine jaw. It is ridiculous and unhelpful to have an imposing, severe face at 20. So I'm growing into my face, which is probably a better deal psychologically than the other way around, but it does mean I am used to thinking of myself as unattractive and perhaps have some lingering sense of embarrassment about, well, putting lipstick on a pig. So I don't wear makeup. I am at the point of recognising this stuff but not at the point of changing my behaviour.

As for clothes, I came into my adulthood with a good knowledge of fabrics and garment making, but none at all of how one deploys clothing to communicate status/personality/etc. I guess in my mid 20s I started realising that the way people treated me changed depending on how I presented myself, and that was a power I could take to myself and exploit, in a situation where I had very little power. So I started paying attention. The obvious utility gave me "permission" in my head to spend time and money on developing my style.

When we were skint, I spent v v little on myself, and remember one time when I had the choice of buying a school book for DS or having my holey shoes re-soled. Of course I bought the book.

We are now much more comfortable and I have my own business, the profits from which are entirely mine, in that they don't go into the house hold budget so I spend money on clothes, beauty treatments, gym etc but equally I spend it on taking DH to 5* hotels for weekends, and in helping out other people.

I feel no guilt whatsoever, I've worked hard for it and gone without for years to get to this stage.

This thread has become about money. You lot are an advertisers dream: I.e. if something costs more it is better and therefore more 'worth it' than something that is free or costs less.

I am as guilty as others though in splashing out on expensive tat and make up to make myself feel good but ultimately, the money would have been better spent elsewhere.

Agree with the poster who said that there's nothing wrong with charity shops. I hardly buy new clothes on principle now.

Tryharder
It's only about money because that is the more obvious manifestation of where women often put themselves second or third or further down the line.

And using 'you lot' on a thread is a bit twatty tbh - particularly where some women are discussing issues around self worth. And where you say you are 'as guilty as others' it's also hypocritical.

Bumblebee
I think being poor growing up is a hard one to overcome tbh. We had nothing. For a while I was so ashamed of having jumble sale clothes when i was younger that I would buy everything new. Then I got more comfortable and now buy from wherever I see nothing I like - I enjoy a good charity shop buy.
It is so complicated though. I wonder sometimes if I associate getting new with 'special' because I was the fourth girl so never had a new dress.

Over the last year iv made myself buy what I want for me and even go for a haircut more than twice in a year for once.
At first I did have that guilt but had to tell myself that I deserve it,if I can afford it,why not buy it?
My dd has been treated the same but

From the day she was born though most was what she needed.
I mostly shop 2nd hand good and have been guided in the ways of make up by my ex mil.

Prior to this I spent years barely able to eat a decent meal most of the time and never bought anything for myself despite having two full time jobs and no real responsibilities other than a flat.
I probably had a touch martyr syndrome but I was in an abusive relationship and a lot of that was circled around finances.
Always stealing,"borrowing",or went off on one til I handed money over.

When I was a child along with my siblings we had food on the table and Xmas but nothing else in the way of material things,we were not clothed properly and survived on hand me downs.
My mum and stepdad at the time were always struggling to pay bills and got debt but managed to go to the pub at least twice a week..

You should treat yourself to anything you want if it doesn't really deprive anyone else of anything that's needed.

In answer to the OP - looking good doesn't have to mean spending lots of money. There is nothing wrong with Superdrug skincare or high street clothes if they do the job and/or that is your budget.

My problem has always been that I was brought up by a feminist, slightly hippy mother. Spending money on make up and clothes was seen as very shallow, and not was an intelligent young woman should be worrying about. It took me a long time to realise that you could go to university and wear lipstick, the two were not mutually exclusive.

Garlic, maybe, I should apply for a pay rise!

Some weeks ago, I did suggest perhaps opening an account for me, to put in my Carer's Allowance (ds has disability) and then, I'd pay for my own hair etc but, DH was offended saying, it's all "one pot" anyway and he doesn't have his own private stash! I haven't suggested it since.

This is a really good thread. I fall into the first camp of never questioning whether it's ok to spend on clothes, skincare etc. Although we never had huge amounts of money whilst I was growing up we were by no means poor and my mum would spend money on clothes, haircuts etc. As an only child I always had new stuff as there were no older relatives to have hand me downs from.

As I've grown up I've always enjoyed spending money on myself but am always mindful of how much money we/I have so would never go into debt or let dh or dc go without. Dh raises a slight eyebrow at the cost of haircuts etc but when they can get a decent cut for a tenner in the local barbers you can't really blame men for not understanding . He chooses to spend his money on books and bikes whereas I prefer clothes. After working for years I have recently become a SAHM after dc3 and it did feel weird at first spending 'his' money on myself but now I get given a set amount for myself each month to do as I please. This really important to me to keep my independence and not feel I have to justify anything.

I have no guilt about spending. I don't do that often. And dh always compliments me on the dress/top that I buy. He knows I am relatively low maintenance and we encourage each other to buy what we like when we see it. Because you can bet your life that if you don't, when you really need a dress/shirt for a special party, you won't be able to find one.
My mum dressed nicely. Wore a bit of lippy.

I think that you really have to allow yourself to spend time and money on your appearance especially over 40, what can look hippy and cute when you are younger can suddenly look a bit bag lady .

I don't think it's about the price of what you buy either, just regular haircuts, make up etc and getting dressed up for a night out.

I believe that I deserve stuff, but sometimes struggle to pay the price on the tag. Growing up I wore M&S seconds from the market, my mum was always scathing of anyone she considered vain (clothes, makeup, hair).
I am also, like buildingmycorestrength struggle to wear anything but dull, safe clothes. I absolutely love dresses, and they suit me, but if I wore them day to day I worry that people would look at me, and judge, in a "who foes she think she is?" kind of way. I do my hair and makeup each day though, but find I play myself down when I visit family.
It's all making sense now! I want my own DD to be happy and secure and find her own style, be that high or low maintenance.

Aftereight

In fairness I do get the occasional snarky comment, most often 'are you going somewhere?'
My stock reply is 'darling I'm always going somewhere'

I like clothes, genuinely like fashion. My ideal afternoon is an hour in Liberty or Selfridges looking at the clothes. I love Marni, Erdem and Peter Pilotti but I never buy full on designer stuff. I just buy and wear clothes I like - mostly dresses.
Never wear jeans, never wear trousers. So people translate that how they will. But I like it. Oddly enough I seem to increasingly find and wear the type of things my mum was wearing in the 60s. It's kind of full circle really

eliza22 the difference seems to be that your partner controls the pot. I would be taking more interest in the finances and scrutinising his spending, making sure it's fair. I would also just go ahead and open the personal account for your carers allowance, you don't need his permission.

I don't think it is just about money either, it's taking time for yourself, I have make up, but I rarely take time to put it on, I struggle to find time to keep my legs smooth, to visit the hairdressers, to go shopping for me. Pre DC I kept my nails polished, now it's something I only do for a special occasion.

I think it also has to do with getting older, and how you feel about that.

When I was teens/twenties I was a bit of a looker . 30s, I had little kids and was always skint and didn't really care too much what I was looking like, tho' I scrubbed up well for special occasions.

I just hit 50, and a combination of having a lot more money, DS grown up, more time, and losing 1.5 stones means that I now actually feel better about how I look than I have for 15 years.

In the last year, as well as losing the weight, I've started doing 3 hours of zumba a week, get my hair highlighted and cut at eye-watering expense, have bought tons of new clothes (size 10, yay!) and get beauty treatments (that twirly moustache really had to go).

Packing for my holidays last night, and I packed bikinis and short-shorts for the first time since I was 35 and it feels goooood!

Yep Wonderstuff, it's about time. Also family choices - I try to make sure that things like what film we got to see, what we do on days out etc are not always chosen according to what everyone else wants to do first.

I know a woman through church who is in her 60s (?) who has a full mustache. She is a full-time carer for her disabled husband and clearly doesn't care about the tache.

I wish I could be her, and be above caring about that kind of thing.

BUT I'M NOT. And I've accepted that I'm not. I went through a stage in my 20s of not shaving my incredibly hairy legs. And I was self-conscious about it all the time, wore trousers even when I was hot, etc. Not worth the mental space to make a statement like that, in my book. If you don't care, then great - life gets easier. But I care, so I try to look normal and presentable and not get stared at.

I agree that what your mother was like makes a difference as well. My mum always dressed well and spent a lot of her disposable income on clothes, makeup and hair.

She's 80 now and still always looks well dressed, very co-ordinated, high-ish heels, Clinique skincare and makeup, and has her hair done every week .

Family culture does have an effect. There was never any indication from my mother that she should stop caring after having dc. She still dresses in lovely stuff and enjoys it.