How do you give yourself permission to look good?

[BabCNesbitt]

This isn't for the women who've always invested in their appearance and for whom taking care of their looks is as automatic as looking after their health - who've never questioned whether it's OK to spend money on clothes, skincare, etc.

It's for women like me who perhaps grew up with mothers who thought make-up was for vain women who clearly didn't put enough food on the table for their kids.

Or maybe you grew up with a version of feminism that disdained make-up, but even though you don't necessarily hold to that you still feel a bit guilty about being interested in it.

Or you've just internalised the idea that spending money on yourself - on decent clothes that will last, on skincare that isn't 2.99 from Superdrug, on makeup from department stores rather than the supermarket - is inappropriate now you're a mum.

How do you get over that guilt? If you have, how did you do it - what did you tell yourself? And if you haven't, why not?

(And actually, if you've never felt any guilt about it, why do you think that is?)

It has genuinely never occurred to me to forbid myself to look good. I mean I might not wash my hair if ill but nothing like what you evidently mean. That said there's nothing like a make up make over to make you feel that either you looked better before OR blimey a bit of slap improves things

garlic I worry it may be true. As in, the rare full blown effort, actually makes no difference! And just to be clear I do not consider myself to be beautiful or 'all that', it's just my left over hang ups from being young and 'striking' and having long light blonde hair. My poor DH, I'm sure he's just calling it how he sees it, but too much praise makes me a tad uncomfortable and makes me sound like an ungrateful cow (which I'm not).

I can barely look or speak about my wedding photos because I did go all out to look my best and in my opinion, I didn't, and people trying to convince me otherwise has reduced me to tears.

Cockadoodle have you been over to the bra threads? The ladies there will sort you out. Underwear that fits is well worth having, for comfort reasons as much as appearance, if you need a utilitarian justification

For me the right bra is also a very clear example of why looking good is fun - the lightbulb moment when you put on the right thing and you suddenly realise that there IS a right thing - that the other skirt/shoes/jeans were wrong and just didn't suit you. It's partly about the challenge and the hunt for me.

And if we're talking about money, frankly I was better at that hunt when I didn't have much money. I really paid attention when my funds were limited because I had to be able to get maximum wear out of everything I bought, whereas now I'm much too inclined to think "Bah, that'll do, fifty quid let's have you" because the consequences of getting it wrong are not so great any more.

Thanks MadBusLady, I keep meaning to pop in to the bra threads, I'd be interested to know what they can do with my skinny ribs and boobs that are eeeeven smaller now I've finished bf. Going free range today though, much cooler

My mum buys lots and lots of expensive clothes almost to have a full wardrobe as she doesn't go anywhere and she insists on keeping clothes for good, she says she does it because she never had much as a child and all those lovely new clothes makes her feel good. I just get irratated by the waste, it annoys me when I buy clothes and then for one reason or another don't wear them much.

Your not fat, yes I recognise so much of that. Post DC I felt very unattractive and didn't bother. I think that due to being very attractive in my twenties it's so dissapointing to make an effort and not look great in my thirties.
Accepting that we do age and look less attractive has helped motivate me to look as good as I can. It pushed me to loose weight and make an effort again. I look 100 times better! it's sad how easily we get drawn into a downwards circle.

It's not about the money at all, and I really, really object to the, 'You lot' comment, because you only have to read the posts on this thread to see that everybody on here thinks and acts very differently, and for very different reasons.

I buy the things that are good, regardless of the price. So, for me, a Topshop skirt would probably be fine, but I generally need to pay a bit more for t-shirts (usually Hobbs sales) because cheap ones a) look awful on me because they tend to be cut badly and b) because the Hobbs one that I paid £25 for in the sale is likely to last far, far longer than the H&M one for a tenner.

I've inherited my mother and grandmothers' make do and mend attitudes, it drove me to a very early passion for making and altering which later became my business. I can't spend money on myself as i'm rather frugal generally but when I comes to clothing I always think " how much? I could make that for far less" but I rarely do, so I go without.

I've always allowed myself time, if not money, to indulge my passion for styling. thrilling from working and reworking each seasons looks from mostly the same old eclectic wardrobe of hand-me-downs, charity finds and h&m. but as a new mum I've not got that time anymore.

I do guiltily snatch moments each day to do my hair/make up whilst my baby protests not being in my arms, but I've felt it's my sign, at least to myself, that I'm coping.

I need to permit myself time again. allowing money tends to lead to less well thought out looks so it's best to keep my prudence on that score I reckon. time is more of an issue...

"I fervently hope the MN posters who spend their 'spending money' on baby stuff and furniture are a small minority! It makes me feel sick to read threads like that"

That's me nowadays. What the hell happened to the old me? :(

I think it is down to having a personal budget for you - this is why I really think the "one big joint account for everything" arrangment for money that is so beloved on MN is very wrong for a lot of couples, you need to feel you have a right to spend it. This is why for so many, having a joint account for bills then separate accounts that has a set amount that goes into it monthly which is just yours to spend on yourself is best for anyone who feels guilt about personal spending.

This way, your DH might chose to have lunch out, or spend money on some books or DVDs, but if you chose to spend yours on a hair cut or makeup, it's yours to spend how you like, or save up over a few months and buy something more expensive.

do make sure that spending for the DCs (clothes, trips out, activities) is considered a bill that comes out of the joint account - otherwise it'll end up that your DH's 'me money' is spent on fun for himself, whereas yours will be spent on the DCs.

(Eliza, tell your DH this arrangement isn't working for you. Go with the set amount into your personal account and no more having to account to someone else every penny spent.)

I justify spending time and money on skincare and exercise by my view that these things need doing regularly as you can't easily undo the effects of neglect on skin and body. So these are my priority. Clothes and hair cuts you can get when you need to (e.g. before an important event) so can be easily fixed, therefore I don't worry so much about these things at the moment. I feel that nice clothes are a bit wasted on me as a SAHM with weight to lose! I try to wear make up and paint nails though as these little things make a big difference to how well groomed I feel and instantly make me look nicer.

Bab, thanks so much for starting this thread!

I've been hesitating about posting something like this for a while now, but in the mental health section. I've hesitated because alot of lovely people on style and beauty have helped me on previous threads with my lack of style.

A very kind poster even offered to come into London to help me shop. I had booked a personal shopper so didn't take her up on her offer. The personal shopper experience wasn't good. I had visions of coming home with bags of beautiful things, but all I got was a dress I didn't like and a scarf I didn't like. I felt obliged to buy those as this person had spent all that time helping me.

After all the help on here I felt really positive and booked into JL with the personal shopper there. She found me quite a few things to try but she also agreed that the cut of the majority didn't look quite right. I did get a top that I love, but that is the only thing in my pile of clothes wardrobe that I love. And I really liked the lady who helped me.

Over the years I have tried:

Colour analysis 1-1 session with house of colour, the woman who I saw looked awful I thought and seemed to be trying to get me to dress in the same way. It felt very prescriptive if that's the right word. The make up session was awful. Every lippy she tried on me turned pink and I swear I looked like a clown. I had to run into the house when I to back, and when DP saw me he looked a bit horrified. But she did helpfully tell me that my nose was bent in one direction and that my chin bent slightly the other way. I see that all the time now. I alway knew I had a big nose, but since then I've thought of it as big and bent. Whoopidooo!
Personal shopper in Selfridges
Private personal shopper - just seemed to go around a department store throwing all sorts of stuff into a shopping bag, most of which I didn't like but I felt so pathetically grateful for her time, even though I was paying, to say anything. In the end she said it doesn't matter if you don't love it, you just need to stop wearing bootcut jeans and that black jumper.
Asked my then 4 year old Dd what she thought of something
Browsed in shops endlessly, only to find yet more black clothes.
Tried shopping with my sister who has the patience of a saint but I've worn her down too.
Spent far too much on delivery charges online shopping and mostly returning things. I keep getting stuff from next as they do next day delivery. The fact that their women's clothing is awful on me, doesn't stop me. I keep the odd will do thing.
Blah blah blah blah

So basically I have tried and spectacularly failed.

I feel like a man in make up if I try and put some on.
I am VERY conscious of my shape. I'm more susannah but want to be a Trinny.
My mum didn't really try and always looked worn out. She would wear things that were ripped. My parents would rather save than buy new things for themselves.
I wasn't ever told I was pretty or lovely or beautiful. My sister was the more 'sweet' one. When at 20 I married my ex, one of his aunts in the reg office whispered a little too loudly that it's a shame I wasn't as pretty as my sister. I agreed.

There have been lots of things that have happened in both mine and my sisters lives as we're only 18 months apart. My View of the world is so different to hers. She doesn't really dress up or bother on a day to day basis but she does when she needs to.

The reason I was going to post this on mental health is that, I think, for me, it's about more than just clothes or make up. It's some sort of issue deep within me that probably thinks I don't actually want to be better.

I have no friends really although I'm trying to change that, I have always been easily forgettable whereas I remember people's names really well, I am often invisible in public places, I avoid going out in this weather as I don't know what to wear. I did for the last two weeks of school go out everyday in the same bootcut jeans and some top with a jacket, whilst all the other mums were in summery clothes and looked lovely, where as I just looked frazzled.

I need to lose weight as i think that would help with clothes, but I can't be bothered to cook for myself. I cook for my kids but live on ready meals for myself.

I have asked for help on here about weightloss and was asked do I really want to lose weight. The answer is yes, I do, I really really really do, but I am just stuck in this perpetual rut.

It affects so many aspects of my life, I think the clothes are just the tip of an iceberg.

I don't think I actually like me at all. For a long time after my dc, I used to wonder if people wondered if I was the hired help out with the children she was looking after. My kids are beautiful, my partner is lovely, but I seem to just not fit anywhere. If anyone says my dd looks like me I feel sorry for her. I don't want them to be like me. I didn't want o be like my mum, but here I am.

I've always felt like that, but whilst at school and at work, I had a purpose. Now as a stay at home mum, I have some days where I think so much about why I am how I am but can't really figure it.

For me to wear something new is a big deal, and if no one says anything I think oh shit, got that wrong again. I'm thinking of my sisters really.

Sorry ill shut up otherwise I could fill this thread up with my ramblings.

If anyone managed to read this far, thank you.

If you managed to read this far and think you might know where I can start, please feel free to suggest something.

Bab, I only came onto say thank you for starting this thread, sorry for taking up so much of the space.

Xxx

I spend quite a lot on my clothes and make up etc because it is a huge pleasure in my life.

I'm not bothered about nice cars, posh holidays, living in a better area etc. Lovely clothes and cosmetics however, really float my boat.

My Mother completely disapproved of showing any interest in one's appearance and bought our few clothes from oxfam even though we could well afford new. I absolutely hated it, and take so much joy now from buying myself pretty clothes and make up.

Oh Mum39. I think you're right that it's about more than clothes, and I don't think there are any easy answers but one thing I would deffo say is that if you have that one top which you love, then wear it as often as possible and don't save it for best. What is it? Can we help you to find a couple more which are similar? What do you like to wear it with?

Also, I'm currently trying to lose a few pounds by cutting out some of the crap that I eat (I am quite small but very, very greedy), so it would be great to have a partner on here, if you fancy it!

Mum39, you sound very miserable, I wish there was some way I could help. I think Remus's idea of posting a link to the top you love is a great start.

Mum39 - one thing - do you exercise regularly....it's a good thing to do for you, looking after your body will make you feel better and it can be a pleasantly sociable activity.

Bluemonkey, I feel sad but cheered up that there are other people who feel like me. On a logical level I know that worrying about my size is a completely shallow waste of a life. Yet I can't get past it.
I have often thought of setting up some kind of support group/thread for people who feel like this. A group to encourage body acceptance. A group to stop people waiting to be slim before they start feeling good about themselves. Above all, a positive,joyful accepting group. I've no idea if anyone would be interested.

Mum39 - hugs, and I wish you were up north. I'd love to go shopping with you x

I've never felt any guilt about spending money on myself. And I spend A LOT. Ill think nothing of spending £32 on a lip gloss for example ( today's purchase)

As to why I don't feel guilty? Err why should I ? The kids are fed and clothed and have what they need/ want. I work for the money and I like shopping for me. It's fun. I possibly should err 'save' some money but I see treating myself as something very normal, even though I know I'm prone to extravagance. It's my money after all!

Incidentally my mother is a very spendy person - worse than me! We are terrible together

I've never understood women's guilt at spending on themselves

Thanks all. You are all so lovely! I don't know why I posted all that now.

I seem to have something in my eye now. It's funny, writing that I didn't feel at all sad. It just feels like it is the way it is. You lovely ladies saying it's sad, and reading your words has made me teary! I am on sertraline anti depressants for anxiety and depression and they make me feel so numb emotionally. I have felt I needed a cry for a while, but haven't been able to. Your kindness has helped. Thank you so so much

The top is the Marin Rose, it looks more blue than it is. In rl it's more teal.

Agh your link takes me to Mumsnet! Is it the Phase Eight one? If so, here it is looking very smart with jeans and heels, in black. :)

I find it so, so easy to spend money on other people but when it comes to myself, I can't bear to part with my money. That's not to say I don't have nice things but it takes me an awful lot of time to talk myself into buying things. I always feel like I don't deserve nice things and that I could make someone else happy if I wasn't selfishly spending on myself IYSWIM? I haven't paid full price for an item of clothing for myself in years, I am a habitual sale shopper when it comes to me but I'm more than happy to splash out on other people. It's almost like I feel like I'm not as important as other people

And perhaps you'd like this one too?

Mum Your post is not rambling, rather it is eloquent, extremely moving and makes me want to spend some time with you which is focused more upon the woman you are within who sounds as though she has become mired in layers of self deprecation. Yes, buying lovely clothing and losing weight etc can help but it sounds very much like you know where your sadness truly stems from. You really could do with some MH input. Is there a MIND or other voluntary organisation, a decent GP you could consult with?
It would be patronising and facile of me to suggest a new dress as an answer to what you have said. It would only be a sticking plaster. I implore you to reach out for some structured help so you see yourself as present and visible in this World. We have heard you here. You are not invisible. Please let that reassure you that there are others who will also do so.

As for treats and spending time upon oneself- there are lots of ways you can do that. Do you like to read? Do you like nice scents, bath products, gardening and plants? These can help you re engage with a body that has become an enemy to you.

Good luck and please feel able to PM me any time. xx

Mum By MH input I am not referring to more medication, rather some human contact to help you climb out of this sadness.