am i letting down the sisterhood to want cosmetic surgery?

[AvaGardner]

I have decided, after breast-feeding two children, to have a breast augmentation operation. i consider myself a feminist, and am raising my daughters to consider themselves beautiful on the inside and out, whatever their shape. i do not want giant barbie boobs, but a b cup to make me feel a bit better about myself. i'm 39 and have two very tired and shrivelled aa cups which i would rather do something about than feel a bit sad every time i get out of the shower and see myself.

my sister and my mother think i'm having a mid-life crisis and that i'm letting down the sisterhood. all the discussion boards where i have sought advice or ideas seem to feature mainly very young girls having very big breasts inserted in order to fit an ideal.

i'd really welcome your thoughts. i am feeling very conflicted and sad about this. i would like to do this for myself, but i feel somehow like i'm letting the side down or doing something trivial and slightly seedy.

Just to stick my oar in- I too have in the past asked posters not to take a certain tone or line of response and been slapped down.

I think that is unfair. Of course no one can control what is written here, but I think OPs have every right to say how they feel about the opinions that are posted, just as the posters have a right to say whatever they do.

If someone is finding a certain style of posting upsetting, then it's fine to say so- doesn't mean anyone is going to take any notice, but it is still their "right" to make their feelings known.

Unfortunately, the anonymity of forums means that many people behave with discourtesy which one would hope they do not in real life!

Oh, look, let's not go down this path. Fair enough. I'm new to this and probably just need to get a thicker skin.
It's a shame that sometimes the voice of the sisterhood sounds just as judgmental as the Dark Side, but I guess that's what happens when people feel strongly about things. That said I'm really touched by some of the heartfelt and sympathetic responses on here. Over and out (and I mean it this time!)

ava- considering some of the responses which are emotional at times, you have responded with dignity and restraint.

things often get heated on MN because people are happy to post anything under the pseudonyms.

no, ava was not responding to the posts already made

she was making an attempt to control future ones, a subtle but very important difference

an "I object to the tone of previous posts" is not the same as "can people tone it down" which implies "in future"

and yes, PP, anyone who attempts to tell people how to post deserves a slapping-down

Agree with purplepeony.

Ava, it sounds like you have considered the risks and have given this a lot of thought (and no doubt even more, judging by this thread). If I felt about something as strongly as you do, I would just go for it. Much better than living the rest of your life in 'what ifs'.

AF- this is not really the place to continue this point, but if people post comments that any OP finds offensive, the OP is quite within their rights to say so- and to ask them to stop! Why on earth not? If the poster who has been rude finds that hard to take, that's just tough- they should not be surprised to be told to belt up.

well, we could go back and forward all night with this one, pp

chicken and egg ?

POFAKKEDDthechair assertive dear, to AF's comment, not agressive. I'm sure AF can cope.....

If you want to do it and you are sure of the reasons why, do it.

i had mine done before i even had kids - after a bought a AA bra that was too big and i was sick to death of people commenting on my lack of boobs. Yes, i'm buying into what society deems is the 'right' way to look, but you know what? Since i had it done (34C, but i am tall) NO ONE comments on my boobs and i rarely think about them.

Now i just feel normal, i do not obsess about my body, i do not dye my grey hair and mostly i can't be arsed to wax all the parts i'm supposed to. I don't really care. But i am no longer paranoid about putting a bikini on. My body image has become LESS of an issue, because i feel 'normal'.

Do whatever feels right for you, and don't feel guilty.

lovingthesun, yes I can cope

I'd call it passive aggressive lovingthesun, as well as calling me 'dear'. A bit like this:

I haven't read the whole thread,but I thought about this last night after reading some of it.My breasts have suffered somewhat from lengthy breastfeeding too,although I haven't stopped yet.I have a small back and a large cup size and I think they will look like two pitta breads when i stop,but I am not going to have any surgery.Partly because I wouldn't take the risk of any non-essential surgery now I have small children,partly because my children are girls and I don't want to pass on the message that women should have their bodies cut up to be beautiful,and partly because I think implants look terrible.They look like what they are,two lumps of plastic,stuck under the skin.And the thinner and more flat chested someone is naturally the worse they look as there is no fat to hide the implant.I honestly think natural breasts however changed by time and babies look better than fake breasts.I imagine fake breasts on a thin 75 year old and the image is really horrible.There is something so delicate about a naturally flat chested body that looks as feminine as big breasts to me, and to my DH too.When you look at yourself you probably focus on your breasts as you are so unhappy with them,but anyone else will be looking at all of you,and thinking how long and lithe and lovely you look.

helly, you are very right

I have small boobs and have always been happy with that

I don't like the shape of them post childbearing though (and I reckon they are at least as "bad" as some of the women's on this thread)

I will not bow to societal pressure though, that tries to brainwash me that I should have the perky booobs of a 20yo who is childless

because I am not a childless 20yo

I am a 45 yo mother of two and although shit boobs are not my "price to pay", I do feel some pride in what they were capable of and want to keep them just as they are

That, to me, is feminism in it's purest form

Exactly AnyFawker.

In response to the original post - any operation where you undergo general anaesthetic is a big risk, and especially when you have children you have to outweigh that risk with the benefit.

Breast augmentation is something only you know about because only you feel those particular feeings about your body. Bugger what anyone else says. You're the one who lives with your body and if what you're looking at and living with every day makes you unhapy and you can afford the surgery and have weighed the potential downsides against the benefits and feel that it's something you still want to go through with then go for it.

Oh aye, of an estimated 30 million women in the UK you'll find at least that many opinions of what feminism is, so bugger feminism and sisterhood. Go with what feels right for you and discuss it with the people who are most important to you.

Well said MrsArchieTheInventor

I should point out that the risk of death due to general anesthesia is not big. It's something in the region of between 1 in 1m and 2%, depending on the skill of the anesthetist and the underlying health of the patient.

According to this recent and very large study breast surgery has a very low mortaility rate, at 0.07%
journals.lww.com/anesthesiology/Fulltext/2010/05000/Postoperative_Mortality_in_The_Netherlands__A.16.aspx#

Of course it is an avoidable risk, but there are probably more relevant risks for the OP to consider, such as complications or whether the outcome is what is hoped for.

I am tall but thin with boobs (ha!!) that are too small for an AA cup bra. Really they are just nipples on ribs. Deflated nipples now I've bf. Like you described, bras just ride up because there's nothing to hold them in place. I am very very happy with my body even after 2 kids and 2 yrs of bf, but last month went for a couple of consultations with plastic surgeons. Like you, Ava, a B cup would be plenty.

At the end of the day, they are just boobs. Yes there are small risks (GA, infection, implant rotation seems to cover it) but there are risks with everything. Crossing the road, drinking alcohol, xrays, flying, giving birth..... I think we are sooo hard on ourselves, demanding total acceptance of everything we turn into after babies, otherwise we are deemed inadequate or selfish and bowing to the pressure of a misogynistic society. Perhaps its me who wants to look better, just for me? No I won't immediately start looking for a job in Hooters or wearing corsets, I'll still muddle around in jerseys and t shirts but I'll be feeling pretty great about filling a (b cup) bra. At the end of the day, when not bf, boobs are just about fun aren't they? And wearing clothes nicely. So I've done bf for years and years and now I'd like the fun part please.

We are excellent at harshly criticising anyone who wants to do more than a legwax because once you've had children, cosmetic procedures are seen as a bit irrelevant and selfish. Rarely is a high flying 30 or 40 something career woman who has no children told that a boob job or bit of Botox is selfish or pointless or makes her the unfortunate subject of societal brainwashing. People wouldn't dare. I to get that, evolutionarily speaking, it makes less sense for the post-breeding woman to make the most of herself than the woman who has not yet attracted a mate and bred. But we are not cavemen any more and are surely/hopefully past all that....?

My only sticking point is what to tell the DDs, ie. how to not tell them yet because its a personal decision about one's personal body. I don't want them to grow up with it in their heads that they will need one one day just because I chose to have one. It's about me this time. (DH doesn't care either way). If DC's make the same choice as adults in 35 years time then that's well and good. I am hoping the difference will be so minimal they won't need to know until they are grown up and less impressionable and can make own decisions...

As I am now.

Oops

'I to get that, evolutionarily speaking...'

should read

'I DO get that, evolutionarily speaking...'

Well said, Belgrano.

I'm putting off the decision for another year or two because I am now menopausal so they're likely to shrivel even more. My DC's are fast heading towards independence and I'm still young enough to want a new phase to my life when I'm allowed to do a few things for me again. They're also old enough to understand now and if they don't approve, well, as they're now practically adults, they don't really need my approval for things they do either.

I don't get this "what will my kids think".

It's your body- not theirs.

Parents do loads of things during their kids' lives which the kids disapprove of- but that's just tough.

Don't feel guilty about having them done if that's what you want. You will never look back! I had an enlargement last yeat at 41 with 2 children having gone down from a C cup to barely a B after breast feeding and felt unfeminine and unsexy. I am now a double D and thrilled. It's not a crime to want to be sexy, feminine and well groomed. Most of my friends would have it done if they could afford to and indeed two of them have done. Life is too short to be unhappy with your appearance, we live in a society where treatments are readily available and as long as you've thought about it and researched your Surgeon carefully as I did, you will be delighted. I wish I had done it years ago!! Sod what anyone else thinks, it's your life!! :)

I feel the same way about anyone who has breast implants, whether they have children or not. The only point about mothers, is that is seems fairly depressing that women who have daughters are content for them to grow up thinking they should get breast implants to be happy.

If I had my breasts done I know I would then start zooming in on another flaw in my body.

POK with respect, what you said here is a load of bull:

The only point about mothers, is that is seems fairly depressing that women who have daughters are content for them to grow up thinking they should get breast implants to be happy.

There is a lot more to happiness than having breast implants.

Implants don't make a woman happy or unhappy- they just make her satisfied with one aspect of her appearance, exactly the same as if you have your hair highlighted, your teeth straightened, or your nails manicured.

It would be a pretty shallow and unintelligent woman who either thought what you say, or who conveyed it to her daughters.

'The only point about mothers, is that is seems fairly depressing that women who have daughters are content for them to grow up thinking they should get breast implants to be happy.'

But Pofakkedthechair that is exactly what I said I don't want them to think. That's why I'm not going to tell them till they are old enough NOT to think it. Even then it won't be a big deal, I will play it right down.

If they decide for themselves as adults that although they are happy already (as I am, thanks very much) they would like to have bigger boobs then fine. Absolutely agree they don't want to grow up thinking they 'need' them to be happy.