am i letting down the sisterhood to want cosmetic surgery?

[AvaGardner]

I have decided, after breast-feeding two children, to have a breast augmentation operation. i consider myself a feminist, and am raising my daughters to consider themselves beautiful on the inside and out, whatever their shape. i do not want giant barbie boobs, but a b cup to make me feel a bit better about myself. i'm 39 and have two very tired and shrivelled aa cups which i would rather do something about than feel a bit sad every time i get out of the shower and see myself.

my sister and my mother think i'm having a mid-life crisis and that i'm letting down the sisterhood. all the discussion boards where i have sought advice or ideas seem to feature mainly very young girls having very big breasts inserted in order to fit an ideal.

i'd really welcome your thoughts. i am feeling very conflicted and sad about this. i would like to do this for myself, but i feel somehow like i'm letting the side down or doing something trivial and slightly seedy.

I don't understand why we think it's okay to comment on what Ava wants to do with her body. It's her body. Surely the fact that she has complete control over it, including a decision whether or not to have surgery on her breasts, is a good thing?

Ava, I've said it earlier and I'll say it again - if it will make you feel better about yourself, you should do it. I completely understand your point re underwear and push up bras - you know what's going on underneath so it doesn't matter what goes on over the top, you're still going to feel it inside.

I notice no one has commented on my post. I suspect it's because a reduction where I did something that everyone thought I was crazy to do because society says big breats are good, is not nearly as shocking as a woman choosing to make her breasts a little bigger.

blingloving: thanks for your posts. i found them supportive and helpful. and i think everyone's commenting on what i am thinking of doing because i asked them to :)

By the way, my dad had a one night stand with Ava Gardner once.

Ava, I've only read your posts and skimmed past the other replies... I want to tell you about my best friend. We grew up together from when we were 8 years old, lived in each others pockets etc, and now both have kids. I've always been a big girl (but sadly not with big boobs to match lol!), and she has always been very skinny. She is beautiful in every way, inside and out, but has always struggled with small boobs. She feels that she looks like a boy and makes lots of effort to look feminine - I only know this because she has told me, I honestly think she's gorgeous! She too uses chicken fillets and padded/gel bras etc. She has had a few tough years struggling with depression etc, I won't go into details as it is her business and not mine...

Anyway, recently she took voluntary redundancy which meant a lump sum of money coming into the family. This is when she declared she was going to get her boobs done. I honestly couldn't be more happy for her!!!! I KNOW that it will boost her confidence and that she is doing it for herself, not for anybody else - she has thought about it and researched it, just like you have. Her DH is very supportive and her kids know she is having the op done (they are quite young though). I can't wait to see how much more confident it will make her - since knowing it is going to happen she has been so happy!

What I'm trying to say is that it sounds to me like you're doing it for yourself and really that is all that matters! You go for it, and don't worry about your DC's, just be open and honest with them as you have here. I don't see how this has anything to do with feminism, or that it's anybody elses business. If anything, the fact that you are standing on your own feet and doing something for yourself speaks volumes iyswim.

I'm rambling now... sorry! Go for it and enjoy your new boobs

youcancallme- I take your point, bt in defence I suppose all i can say is that as a white caucasian woman, my views on what represent beauty tend to be based on the culture in which I live. I am sure that if I were Asian, or lived in Papua New Guinea, or Africa, I would have a different perception of beauty, because sometimes appreciation of beauty is confined to culture and race.

Kitty from what i read about Ava Gardener last week, I think very man on the planet at the time was in your dad's shoes!

If it's what you want to do, and you have examined your motives (after all this I'm sure you must have examined them in minute detail), and taken the risks into account, then I would go ahead. If you can do this thing that makes you happier, then do it. I am quite sure that everyone who has posted is doing so with the intention that you should do what makes you happy. Only you can decide in the end, and that should certainly be guilt-free and an empowering choice.

Good luck!

wot? wot? what gossip have you been reading about Ava Gardner?

PurpleLostPrincess: thank you, it's reassuring to hear about other people feeling the same way.

Kitty: i swear, i've never been near your dad. honest.

AG, I think you have to make a decision like this based on your happiness as a woman in the society you actually live in.

I certainly don't think you are letting anyone down. It isn't going to be obvious to anyone else that you have had surgery, so it isn't as if your actions are going to put pressure on other women to do the same.

I do think having surgery where it is not needed is to be avoided. If you achieve the same effect as surgery through underwear, then that is the safer option.

But perhaps there is a reason why you would feel more positive if you had surgery rather than change underwear?

I am in the opposite situation. Having breastfed for many years, my A-B breasts became DD breasts. This has not changed after 7 years. I would rather have my old body back as having large breasts is such an issue to other people. There is no item of clothing I can wear (other than some kind of 70's kaftan) that is not either going to show cleavage (when the same item would look demure on a woman with small breasts) or show the outline shape/size of my breasts.

I wouldn't have a breast reduction because I find surgery disturbing (for me personally) and I accept that there are some clothes that will look bad on me, and other clothes that will look good if I wear specific underwear. With small breasts you can look good in anything - you just need a variety of bra types.

So I was wondering if it is more about how you feel about your body in a more abstract way than how you look to others in clothes, because the clothes issue can be resolved without surgery.

Ava - have not had time to read all 7 pages of thread but have read your OP and skimmed over some of your subsequent comments.

I had a tummy tuck earlier this year. I have been called selfish, irresponsible, told to "get a grip" and to "consider my poor children in the risk of having GA" etc. Had I not mentioned the tuck part of the op, but just told them that I was having a hernia repair (which I did) and muscle repair (due to extreme separation), then they would have been supportive.

Thankfully, my good friends and family have been nothing but supportive.

Cosmetic surgery is a very personal choice. You don't have to have full blown body dysmorphia to hate a part of your body. I used to shudder at the sight of my tummy. But I clearly had healthy self esteem because I still wore a bikini - despite some rather unpleasant staring and comments at times.

I don't regret having my surgery. For 10 years, I tried every product and exercise I could and nothing made a significant difference.

My confidence has soared. As you say, yes there are alternatives but its damn hard to feel sexy when you know you that beneath the clothes are a vast array of layers designed to hold it all in and push it to wear it should be! You feel uncomfortable and unnatural.

Please make sure you research surgery thoroughly. I was lucky to find a fab surgeon with a great team behind him and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend him.

Finally, I would say you probably need to give your breasts a little time to "ahem" bounce back. I had spaniels ears for at least 2 years after bfing. They aren't what they used to be now but they are definitely more full.

oh and btw, the mummy guilt does kick in big time. I was beset with the guilt of "what if something happens". So having other people beat you with that stick is unnecessary and unkind.

tulpe: thank you. i'm glad your surgery went so well and made you feel so much better. though it sounds like you had entirely reasonable grounds for having it.

Tulpe I completely understand why you had surgery. I would love to be able to wear tight T shirts like I used to pre children. On some level it would give me happiness. But I do feel that one has to put these things in context, and I worry that in the society in which we live, these things have been blown out of proportion. I don't feel it is right to have a GA and all that an operation entails [risk of infection etc] for something that doesn't actually affect one's health.

I used to work in a profession in which appearance was almost the most important thing. And at my thinnest and most preened, I was the least confident I had ever been, as was nearly every woman around me. Love and experience have given me confidence, and that is why I feel surgery is not the answer.

Hello OP,

I skimmed the thread so apologies if I'm jumping in and missing the point.

On a practical point I breast fed two children for twelve months each and having recently sorted through the depths of the underwear drawer I have gone from 32 to 36 peaking at 38 and cup wise everything from a B to a F. . smiley.

So your proposal is interesting but I'd say early I'm guessing my chest took 18 months after stopping feeding to settle down and having gone from neat but not flash to Jordan style when my milk came in, to Eyores burst birthday ballon I am now rather pleased with what's there now. I'll never be a showgirl but it's much, much better then I though at even just a year after.

Best wishes

Mine never ever came back :(
36AA ... that's a man's bra size and I still don't fill it properly. I have to sort of roll them up

Lots of us have the breasts you speak of!

Or an overhang.

Or missing labia.

Concentrate on what you do like, not what you dont.

You sound absolutely fit and healthy.

You say you are toned

You can live well without this surgery.

Hugs.

I'm sure someone else has been on to say this already but the complications can lead you to feel even worse about your breasts.

I had an augmentation a few years ago. I got an infection - I had to have one implant removed and put back in 6 months later. That was 3 GA's! After they removed the scar tissue (from the infection) I ended up with different sized breats and one hideous scar under the other larger breast. I only had it done as I lost several stones in weight, my breats disappeared, went saggy and it knocked my confidence. I feel much worse now.

Interesting thread.

I'm hoping to have reconstructive surgery next year (possibly) following a mastectomy earlier this year.

I hadn't even considered it from a feminist point of view.

For me, I'm looking at it as the point where I can start living my life again, rather than just surviving it. It will be the start of my new life after after breast cancer.

I guess it's not 100% necessary, although having one rather large breast does look a little odd and makes me feel incredibly self conscious. I currently wear a prosthesis which is uncomortable, it's heavy, it restricts the clothes I can wear, I need a seperate one to swim in, exercise in. Post surgery bras and swimsuits are, in the main, ugly and expensive, although they are getting better.

My whole identity has been stripped away. Not just my breast but my health, my mobility, my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my potential to have more children. It's a lot to deal with, along with the prospect of an early death at just 41.

I applaud the NHS for offering this service to women who've been through breast cancer. I think it is wonderful.

AvaGardner, I have breast implants over 13 years ago & since then I have breastfeed by DC's for a total of 4 1/2 yrs.

Aside from all the feminist stuff (which in this case I don't get at all...) if you don't like your breasts & can change them, empower yourself to do so.

Will trot back up the rest of the thread & read all the other comments !

wubbly i hope you are okay. your post is spot -on.
I too made the comment that i think itis wonderful that te NHS offers this now, having known women who could never have been offered it 40 years or more ago.

ahh, lots of people not wanting you to have it, because they don't want to have it themselves. Well, good for them & good for you I say.

If you do go ahead, go to your dr & ask for a referal, check they are on the BAAPS website & you'll be fine. You see a consultant, not a sales person disguised as a nurse. You'll have a great job, just be realistic & stay small. As soon as you go big, they look stuck on.

I think it's such a shame that women who want to improve themselves are frowned upon. I've only told 5 of my closest friends for fear of people looking at me like I'm a sex maniac/slut etc. In fact I rarely shave my legs, have grey streaks in my hair & not great legs..but I do have fantastic boobs !

thank you lovingthesun!

I had the same went up from AA to B cup and it wasn't painful and I was - am delighted. It gave me loads more confidence. Risk is minimal if you choose a good surgeon - I went to the doctor and asked for a recommendation - it was a woman doctor who said go ahead and do it if you are sure you are doing it for you and no one else and the surgeon was great too - will give you his name if you want him he works out of a BUPA hospital. I would not have gone
to transform or anywhere like that. Even my parents agreed what a good thing it was to do. I'm nothing special to look at and don't go around dressed to the nines just a normal woman who feels better. Don't listen to the mutilation rubbish it's your body do as you want with it.