am i letting down the sisterhood to want cosmetic surgery?

[AvaGardner]

I have decided, after breast-feeding two children, to have a breast augmentation operation. i consider myself a feminist, and am raising my daughters to consider themselves beautiful on the inside and out, whatever their shape. i do not want giant barbie boobs, but a b cup to make me feel a bit better about myself. i'm 39 and have two very tired and shrivelled aa cups which i would rather do something about than feel a bit sad every time i get out of the shower and see myself.

my sister and my mother think i'm having a mid-life crisis and that i'm letting down the sisterhood. all the discussion boards where i have sought advice or ideas seem to feature mainly very young girls having very big breasts inserted in order to fit an ideal.

i'd really welcome your thoughts. i am feeling very conflicted and sad about this. i would like to do this for myself, but i feel somehow like i'm letting the side down or doing something trivial and slightly seedy.

how long ago did you stop breastfeeding?

it is not a feminist thing to do in itself, but it is your choice how you live your feminism in the situation in which you find yourself; if you decide to go for it it doesn't mean you are less of a feminist than someone who makes the opposite choice.
However, given that you are clearly very conflicted about it, I'm not entirely convinced it would make you happy - isn't there a danger you would just look in the mirror and think 'yes my tits are great but I've given in to pressures I would rather have stood up to'?

i stopped breastfeeding 8 months ago, and don't plan to have any more children.

you all make valid points and helpful points, for which thank you.

i genuinely went into this feeling that i wanted to do this for myself, not anyone else. i am confident about who i am (and proud of my stretch marks!) but got a shock when my always-supportive female family were disapproving about it.

tbh I don't really see why dying your hair to cover grey for instance is ok from a feminist standpoint (is it? I don't know) but having your breasts enlarged is not.

I would not do it because I would be scared of it going wrong, the result being uneven or leakages or something like that and I really would rather avoid operations unless absolutely necessary. I would not judge you as another woman for getting it done anymore than I judge someone for wearing mascara tbh

I think most feminists would see them as being on the same continuum (of Stuff Women Shouldn't Be Pressured Into Doing rather than Stuff Women Should Be Judged For Doing), with surgery being worse because it is painful and potentially dangerous, rather than one being ok and one not ok.

AFAIK, It's not a one-off operation, OP. You need to have them replaced or removed every 10 years. That's an unnecessary GA each time. They can leak or there can easily be other complications.

Are you investing too much of your image in your breasts, OP, do you want to act on that?

I feel like I get to take the moral high ground for once :) because I don't dye my grey away, I'm sporadic about shaving places, too. But of course it's your body, you're entitled to little vanities, you don't have to justify this to anybody. I hope that you research it carefully, and make sure that you're happy with your reasons.

ok, re 'for myself'. i guess the difference is that this is one thing i can't do for myself. i'm tall and thin and run a lot to deal with stress at work and to be able eat what i want.

i've always had (very) small breasts and was happy with them until the second baby pulled them into very thin, flat shapes. it's not about having breasts of which men will approve, it's about not having to pull my bra down all the time because i'm so flat it rides up!

and yes, i confess, i was hoping someone would it say it was ok. because i do want to do this. i just want to do it without guilt.

(I personally wouldn't dye my hair to cover grey - that's where my personal line in the sand comes - but I wear make up. There are no doubt lots of feminists out there who do more for women's liberation than me whilst happening to be better groomed. But for me it is important. I think all feminists come to their own conclusions about the best way to be effective as a feminist and also what level of non-collaboration they are most comfortable with.)

I was not sure whether to say this as iti s drastic and based only on one person's personal experience. Hope you are not angry OP.

Please keep in mind that an operation under a general anaesthetic will always be a risk. The father of a friend of mine was very badly cut up when a young woman he administered a GA to died during cosmetic surgery. It can happen. She had a dh and small dc and of course parents. I expect it is rare that things go so seriously wrong, I really don't know but research it carefully. This was a serious clinic and experienced staff. I don't really understand how it could have happened.

I had a friend who had it done after her 2nd child when she was 40-ish.- she had them evened out in size and went up to a 36DD and she is delighted. She is not remotely needed, she just wanted to look better.

If i wasn't so old now I'd have them done My mother has huge boobs of 34E size and I am a 32C but feel i should be big breasted. I am too old now though and am saving up for fillers for my drooping jowls.

If theop will make you feel more confident, do it. But choose a good dr.

Good for you - when I've finished my family I'll do the same if I am brave enough. I don't think, post-kids, it's as simple as just a boob op (some lifting etc is required) but maybe that's just me. It's reconstruction - you've done a great job bfing - you just want back what was yours! and As far as I am concerned, if it's what you want, and it will help to make you feel good, I can't see the harm.

I'm a feminist and I would do it. I have an abnormality and they look very empty and saggy and just crap. The only thing stopping me from seeking advice (I could probably get it done on the NHS) is that I want to finish having DCs first.

I understand what it's like to detest your breasts. You aren't deciding that perfectly normal, nice boobs are not good enough, you aren't wanting to have a barbie/porn star body in order to fit a stereotype or make money from them - you are after making yourself feel normal again. Do it and feel no guilt.

To all of you -- thank you. It's so helpful to be able to have a non-judgemental and wide-ranging conversation about this.

I think it is easy to over anaylse all of this - especially you, SWC!

years ago, women would mourn the loss of their firm breasts and live with them. Now it is possible to have something done. Just like we whiten teeth, dye hair and have braces.

My grandmother who would be about 120 if she were alive, used to say that a woman's bosom was a woman's beauty. Ther is nothing at all wrong in wanting your AAs filled up a bit. I expect all those people here wo are saying don't, are over flowing G cups or similar.
AA cups are tiny and I would be doing the same in your shoes.

I do not think you will be letting other women down by having the cosmetic surgery you described. If anything, you are also sending your girls the message that you value your appearance and decided to change something you didn't like. I actually think that's more positive for your girls to see than hating your appearance and not changing it.

I agree with Smallwhitecat. Not for the first time.

Seriously, it's not good for your health - how could it be? What are you thinking???

SWC have yu actually read anything about the op?
it takes very little time and is not really classed as major surgery. Some people have Macrolane which is a gel that is injected in 30 minutes. That takes you up 1 cup size.

I think the point you are missing SWC and others, is that body image is closely bound up with confidence. If you look at small or saggy breasts every day and hate them you end up miserable if that is not how you would like to be.

It is not really fair of you to try to use scare tactics to disaude the OP.

There are all kinds of paybacks for child birth- varicose veins, piles, prolapses. Are you saying that we should live with them just because they are not life threatening and are some kind a trophy to show we have given birth?

I just deplore this attitude from some women where they cannot empathise with someone who hates a part of their body.

Do you just not "get" the fact that people are willing to take the risk of a GA etc in order to feel better?

Corsets did harm women's bodies, but 10000s of breasts are augmented annually and very few women come to any harm if they are done by a good dr. It's not bad for your health either- it's a tiny slit, pop the bag under, stitch up.

and there is a big difference between a woman of almost 40 making a carefully informed choice than a girl of 18 who just wants to be fashionable or keep up with her mates.

my MIL's next-door-neighbour had reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy and woke up one morning to find the implant had slipped round to her back.
Should we just not talk about stuff like that in case it frightens women that want surgery? Given that she's the only person I know that I know has had breast implants I find that quite alarming.

MIL, on the other hand, has lived very happily with only one breast since a mastectomy for breast cancer in the 70s. It is entirely possible for your happiness to not be bound up in the way you look.