need some wedding/step kids advice please

[MissLaRue]

I'd like some views/advice on whether we should have my partners kids at our wedding. They are 7 & 9. They don't live with us, we have them on weekends.
We're having a small low key wedding. My problem is that if the kids come it means the ex dropping them off and picking them up. There is no way I am having her anywhere near my wedding. There is no one else really who could pick them up.
Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids, its our wedding for gods sake! I think our wedding day should be the only day where we just think about each other. he says he doesn't know if he want's them there or not. There will be no other kids there either.

I'd really appreciate some advise/tips or anything you could offer.

I have to say having read a few more posts on here, I dont buy in to the whole HER special day thing...

Hey there,

Congratulations on your marriage to come! :)
I am a full time step mum to what is essentially a motherless child as her bio mum is a semi functional alcoholic and unfortunately all round horrible person who has neglected her daughter from birth. My step daughter just turned 9. I plan all of her birthdays, go to all of her school functions, arrange play dates for her friends, look after her when she's sick, comfort her when she's sad and celebrate her successes. I'm saying this because my situation is different to a lot of typical step mums and I have had to embrace this child into my life as if she were my own which admittedly I reluctantly did at first out of love for my husband but naturally in time I really do love her like she is my own. So now you understand the back story, you see it was very natural for me to incorporate her into our wedding. I even made little vows to her during the ceremony. That being said, I 100% get where you are coming from about wanting it to be just you and your husband's day. Even I had to fight a little where I could to ensure there was a good balance. My husband even suggested putting our daughter on the top table when we did the seating chart! That wasn't because he actually wanted her on the top table, it was just because he thought "oh, she's small, we'll just slide her on there" So I did have to make him realise that we needed to balance things a bit as so much happens on a wedding day, you really should have some time between you and your new husband to take it all in and for me sitting down for our food was that time, so I had to put my foot down in areas. But I am saying this because your husband will never see things the same way as you (the adult with no children) will see it I'm afraid. There is a great deal of sacrifice in this role. Step mums really are the unsung heroes in family life. No one will ever understand until they have walked in our shoes. It's one thing looking after a child that you have given birth to and have a natural love for, it's a saints job to look after a child that is not your own and slowly build and nurture a love and bond with them. Hence, I think you deserve your time and your day. Don't listen to the incredibly negative comments on here. You and your husband will do what suits you both. Who are we to judge. If you do decide to have them there, I fully recommend hiring an entertainer/nanny that will look after the children in a separate area. They are that age where they will get board and look for attention if not given anything to do. So at least this way, they can be there but you and hubby won't feel pressured to babysit during your day. All the best xxx

I fully recommend hiring an entertainer/nanny that will look after the children in a separate area. They are that age where they will get board and look for attention if not given anything to do.

At 16 and 18 I wouldn't waste my money.

ZOMBIE

My sc came to our wedding. They were in the bridal party. It was important to me and their dad that they were a part of the day.

My PIL picked them up and then DIL dropped them home at about 6pm before he came back to the wedding reception and enjoyed a drink or 20

If you dont involve his kids you will start bigger problems I'm afraid. I've also been in your position and really wanted the kids there so I cannot understand your thinking I'm afraid.

Stepmum93 now ur a person id go to if i had any problem good to see nice imparcal people on here talking sense xxx

You said its no children wedding?
If no one will bring their children then its OK to not have ANY children. Its not like you are against his children personally. Its just no children reception. His kids will find it boring and will not enjoy it and as a result you can not enjoy it too.Their mum will insist that kids have to come because she wants to ruin you day.

Omg I'm the same except his ex would try and stay always there ruining my birthdays new-year I'm fine feeling I don't want his kids there as his 2 kids tried splitting us up.

Hi this is a very old thread. I guess the issues involved are still the same but thought I'd let you know.

Tbh, my advice, don't get married.

You obviously have issues with the children. This will get worse if you'd like children as well.

Do the children a favour. Let the father not have to ketow to your decrees.

This thread is 12 years old!

My dad got re married and didn't invite us or tell my mum. It was really confusing at the time and it really hurt us and being left out was very damaging as we felt he didn't want us to be apart of his new life. I honestly think you are being very selfish. It's important to include them as it'll just be a form of rejection to the kids that they can't process. You are going to be there step mum. You are going to have a new life that includes them. Just a heads up, we hardly talk and my bother and dad have no contact. It's been years, these constant decisions of being just you two, will damage the relationship with the kids. You have the honeymoon, that's when it should be just you two.

I'm sure the OP really appreciates these comments *12 years after the event!

ZOMBIE THREAD! ZOMBIE THREAD! ZOMBIE THREAD! ZOMBIE THREAD!*

Mind you I'd be intrigued to find out how things panned out

We had the kids the night before. Then got my PIL to drop them off after. We texted the mum who has an issue before PIL dropped DSD off so they didn't have to deliver the news. The kids got a nice surprise and there was no drama allowed. We had a perfect wedding day and it was amazing having all the kids involved. If made a nice memory for us all.

I’ve never heard anything so bizarre in my life! Many of my friends have step children. At their weddings, every one of the stepchildren played a key role as page boys, bridesmaids, flower girls etc.
To not want the children of your fiancée at HIS wedding is awful.

I would ask their mother to let them come over the day before and spend the night so that they can be with their dad the entire day and can travel with him to the ceremony. That also solves the problem of who delivers them to the event. If you are asking that their mother has custody on the wedding night, which is understandable, then she either needs to pick them up or someone they kids have met before will need to deliver them home. Perhaps you could find a trusted sitter to come and transport the kids at the end of the night?

I'd love to have one day where its all about me and my DP. Just one day

It's not though, it's it? And it never will be. DP has children, and they aren't going to go away. They come as a package, and you need to understand that.

wow your my stepmother 20 years ago ! I was totally excluded from my dad's wedding and then the contact slowly started getting less and less and I'm 40 now and I have never forgiven her for it , congratulations btw

How frustrating. I got totally into this then realised it's 12 years old!

@Qwertyyui how did you manage re festive clothes for the DC if it was a surprise? that's what would stump me.

cant wait for your next thread where you’ve had a baby with this man and the SC are now just in the way of your little family. honestly you sound horrible.

Op might not even be married anymore this is a very old zombie thread

I would like OP to come back and tell us what happened though

Every situation is different only you can decide. My dad and SM not only didn't invite me to their wedding, they didn't tell me about it until it was done. It told me everything I needed to know, I was never a part of their family and haven't spoken to either in 20 years (not over the wedding, it was a slow decline in the relationship).

I do understand also what age are they how well behaved are they !! The last thing you need is the ex coming I had this problem although there 17 and 18 she had to bring them stay and take them home for half the day he sat with his kids and ex sod that. Never again now that's selfish.