need some wedding/step kids advice please

[MissLaRue]

I'd like some views/advice on whether we should have my partners kids at our wedding. They are 7 & 9. They don't live with us, we have them on weekends.
We're having a small low key wedding. My problem is that if the kids come it means the ex dropping them off and picking them up. There is no way I am having her anywhere near my wedding. There is no one else really who could pick them up.
Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids, its our wedding for gods sake! I think our wedding day should be the only day where we just think about each other. he says he doesn't know if he want's them there or not. There will be no other kids there either.

I'd really appreciate some advise/tips or anything you could offer.

to put a more positive spin on it, if you can get to the stage where you accept them as part and parcel of your relationship, you can really enjoy being a stepmum.

I luckily always got on pretty well with the kids but found it very difficult to accept it at first. In fact if I'm totally honest, I may well have felt resentful if we'd got married earlier, although I wouldn't have refused to invite them. But it was really once we decided to start our own family (our DD was 18m when we got married btw) that I started to enjoy being a stepmum more - seeing our two DCs with my stepkids, the way they've bonded, is amazing. How could I possibly be without them now? I couldn't!!!

I'm not saying it's always easy, but it is great too.

When my ex was getting married, my kids (then aged 9 and 10) asked me if they would be going to the wedding. I replied that of course they would as I assumed that nobody would exclude kids/stepkids. About 8 weeks beforehand my youngest told me that in visiting their father and wife-to-be he had seen the guest list and "mum, me and James' names were not written down anywhere."

I can honestly tell you that I was heartbroken for my kids.

Made all the worse that a couple of their schoolfriends and their parents attended. They had to go to school the following week to hear their mates tell them about their fathers wedding!!

Unbelievable.

Please don't punish kids. They are not to blame.

Mrscynical - that is truly awful behaviour from your ex. for your kids

harimosmummy - that is why I had to reply to this dilemma.

Marrying a man with kids is hopefully going to result in an extended family for the kids concerned. The new wife may have children of her own and this will result in the original kids have (step) brothers or sisters. If these kids get on and see each other regularly it can result in good relationships forming, not only through their childhood, but remaining throughout their adult lives and hopefully long after the mums and dads have died.

I still get tearful thinking about how my kids were excluded on that day and a few years down the line they still remain excluded from exes new life. It has now resulted in them not particularly wanting to see their father.

Very sad.

I can see why your kids would be so hurt that this would affect their relationship with their dad going forward.

As it was, DSDs were not at our wedding (I'm married to their dad). We went around and around for years (literally!) trying to work out how to invite them without his Ex going ballistic (she wouldn't have been happy them being bridesmaids for instance).

So, we took the decision to marry in Vegas. if they couldn't be there (and we really couldn't see a way to do it that wouldn't be highly stressful for them, as it would have been divided loyalties), then no one could.

DSDs are 11 and 15 now and we get on better than ever. They understand why we did what we did - because we really thought it was the best thing for them to be removed from having to make a decision (and effectively choose between mum and dad)

I think it's the fact that other kids - FRIENDS of your kids - were invited. That is particularily cruel. Honestly, I caught my breath when I read your post.

Tbh OP I think you need to consider if you want to marry this man. Your attitude ( admittedly only post on your comment on here) towards your step children sounds awful. My dd is lucky enough to have a fabulous step mother, it is a difficult job and one that requires much thought and the ability to put someone elses children before your own needs.

When DH and I got married we had 'my' DD as a bridesmaid and 'his' DS as a best man. They each lit a candle and then lit one together, to symbolise all of coming together as one family. It was so beautiful it still brings a tear to my eye - that and the memory of 5 year old DSS concentrating so hard with his little tongue stuck out to sign the register in his best writing.

However, I was also very concerned that his mother would try to wreck the day and that is hard to deal with on your special day - as it was she tried to derail it by sending a text in the morning to say DSS was 'unavailable' until noon (we'd anticipated that so the ceremony was at 1pm so we just had time to get there) and slashing his beautiful little suit with a razor blade or something, but luckily that was the day after the ceremony when DH took him home.

Sounds like maybe there are issues here beyond the wedding that OP would benefit from dealing with prior to the ceremony - step parenting is much, much harder than parenting.

There are, unfortunately, lots of ex-wives who do not want their children at the fathers next wedding and I understand what a difficult situation that is for all concerned, especially children. There are also many soon-to-be stepmothers who don't want existing children for the big day.

However, if you are lucky enough to be able to have your stepchildren at the wedding, without ex-wife creating problems you should embrace it. It will be best for the children and for you in the long run.

Why do people put pressures and nastiness on kids? Grow up - vindictive exes and future new wives - you are supposed to be the adults.

Rant over.

mrscynical, you have it absolutely spot on. Your poor children - what an awful way to have been excluded from their father's life.

I am so lucky that I have a wonderful DSS. He is a huge part of our lives and I can't wait for him to come over in the next week or so to meet his new sister (due Wednesday ). My 2.6 yo DD, his half-sister, adores her (very) big brother. DH and I are actually gutted as my own sister has not invited DSS to her wedding which is at the end of May. DSS has been a massive part of my family for the past 11 years, since DH and I have been together, so it seems like a massive snub to a very lovely young man.

I am guessing the OP isn't coming back to this thread. Whether or not she chooses to make any comment on it, I do hope she has read the comments on here and taken the advice on board.

WOW this is actually quite disgusting.

As a stepmother and a stepchild myself, I feel very sorry for your stepchildren.

'I hope this isn't horrible but I just want it to be about the two of us'
It is horrible yes, and it will never be about just the two of you.

That's only possible if you marry at 18 with a virginal past.

Those poor bloody kids, and even there father 'isn't sure' if he wants them or not.

I think it is easy to tell from this that you don't have children of your own. I'm a stepdaughter and was at both parents second weddings.

Because if you had your own children I am sure you would not be excluding them from the wedding at all. You would not want them to spend the weekend with their Father so it could be "all about us". No, you would want them there, and part of it. As both my parents did when they remarried.

Like many others here, I would be questioning your commitment to be a stepmother given this attitude. Am also pretty about your fiance not being sure if he wants them there - either he is saying what he thinks you want to hear, or he's a pretty crap Dad, tbh.

I think you're a bit horrid and childish.

mrs cynical just read your posts - thats seriously awful - op I hope you read that and understand that when you marry a man with kids he ALWAYS comes as a package, twenty four seven whether you like them or not,.

I would also like to add:

Fathers - grow a pair and include your kids in your wedding (assuming ex would not make a ridiculous drama involving the children) and do NOT marry anyone who does not want your kids there. If they don't want your kids there they are not worth marrying.

I remember years ago an old friend from school telling me how awful her marriage was and how selfish and egotistical her husband was. I pointed out to her facts she had told me previously i.e. husband had a daughter, from a previous relationship, aged about 6 who he had not seen since she was born and had not paid any maintenance for although he was loaded (a millionaire in fact). I told her then that if he treats his own daughter like that, he would not care how he treated her. She divorced him shortly afterwards. He was vile.

I'm very sorry OP that you can't have your dream wedding that is just about the two of you as reality isn't like that when you are about to become a stepmum.

It is VERY VERY hard being a stepmum as lots of your pre-conceptions about how life will go are shattered before you begin. For instance, your wedding day will never just be about the two of you. Yes, you may be able to celebrate your love and commitment to one another, but there may be people in the congregation/wedding party thinking that they may have heard that before. Sorry to be so brutal.
Your stepchildren may come to live with you, they may choose to ignore you, they may love you, they may hate you, but you have to remember that YOU are the adult and always have to be fair. Other things are harder too; for instance if you go on to have a child with your DH, it may be hard that when you become a mother for the first time, that isn't the same case for the father of your baby.

However, it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE to be a step parent, but you always have to think about how your actions/plans impact the existing children. You have to think about things from other people's point of view all the time; something you perhaps have overlooked in the excitement of planning a wedding.

Get some advice/counselling before the wedding. Relate may be able to help you. Good luck.

op i dont think you should get married. you are not mature enough . selfish , self centred and heartless. poor kids.

I actually feel for the OP... I know she sounds 'selfish' but reading between the lines it seems like it is a small, adult only wedding and her first and she wants it to be like any other bride 'HER special day'.

In my experience we sometimes feel that the children share the adult's view of things rather than appreciate their young views and understanding of things. My DD and DS did not attend their father's wedding (they were 8 & 5) and it certainly has not been an issue with them. No big deal was not made of it - although they did have a small intimate celebration with them at a later date which they liked. They only see their Dad every second weekend and his new DW did not have children either - so similar situation.

I also did not go to my Mother's wedding to my stepdad (although I was 23) and I hold no ill feelings about being excluded from that - partly as I was away but I could have come home if need be. I felt it was their day and was happy for them really.

However my DP and I are planning our wedding for late this summer and my 2 dstep children will of course be there, with my DD and DS and our DD (all 5) - but that is because we have over time become a closely bound unit and it feels right.

It does not mean that the OP will be a 'bad stepmum' because in her situation she would like her wedding day to be a commitment between the two of them, without the distraction of the children (and they will be of course). Marriage evolves over time and I personally think it is more important that she is prepared to grow together with her husband and his children (which a commitment like this indicates) than get too hung up on just one day.

Maybe a special child appropriate celebration at a later date?

Zazas think you make some good points.

I do feel that sometimes weddings can be a long-winded nightmare for some children, all that being the centre of attention, and then it can go on and on when everyone is getting a bit tipsy and bored kids can be sitting on the edge of the dancefloor.

I suppose why people got so heated about this was that it sounds like this might be your attitude to the DSCs in general and not just about the day.

Yes, you are allowed to be a bit bridezilla about some things but SPEAK to the children and ask them how they feel??

Regarding the pick up/drop offs, can you soon-to-be parents in law do it?

My ex husband got re-married when my daughter was just 3 and she did not get invited to his wedding as it was 'too inconvenient'. Personally I don't think he was right to exclude her even at that young age as now she is 8 she knows she wasn;t there and doesn't like it.

I re-married 2 years ago and both my daughter and my DH's daughter were actively involved in all the plans, from designing the invites (they drew picture of us), to helping choose their dresses. I guess my situation was different as we had one each but we viewed the marraige as a coming together of the families (sounds a bit twee, sorry).

I completely understand about not wanting the ex there at all though but we had the grannies on board for an overnighter so we could go an honeymoon.

My DSD was 6 when we got married. She was my bridesmaid. Ours was a very small adult only affair too. (Was less than 10 people there). But we couldn't have done it without her there.

I understand were you are coming from in not wanting the ex to ruin your big day. We considered running off and doing it just the 2 of us. But in the end we knew DSD had to be there. She stayed with us the night before the wedding. Then after we'd had our wedding meal (didn't have a reception) BIL took her home.

I think OP is looking at it very naively. They are a part of your family and if you have kids will be there siblings. You need to have a little respect for them.

At 7 & 9 could you send a reputable taxi to pick them up?

Our family is completely blended (yuk, horrible phrase but cant think of a better one) so my mum would have my daughter and my step daughter I expect.

I do have to say that I beleive the children should be there and that I agree with others that you are marrying his children as well has him. There will be loads of occassions that the kids will take the limelight away from you thats just how it is.

I dont agree with them not being there but if you are insistant, a way around it could be to explain to them there will be no children at the wedding at all... I assume there wont be? If others are bringing kids then to me the idea that his wont be there is unfathomable Im afraid.

I hope you have a lovely day, oh I want to get married sooooooo bad!