need some wedding/step kids advice please

[MissLaRue]

I'd like some views/advice on whether we should have my partners kids at our wedding. They are 7 & 9. They don't live with us, we have them on weekends.
We're having a small low key wedding. My problem is that if the kids come it means the ex dropping them off and picking them up. There is no way I am having her anywhere near my wedding. There is no one else really who could pick them up.
Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids, its our wedding for gods sake! I think our wedding day should be the only day where we just think about each other. he says he doesn't know if he want's them there or not. There will be no other kids there either.

I'd really appreciate some advise/tips or anything you could offer.

If you are getting married in the Uk / having other guests, then YES they should be there.

My DH and I went through the mill for YEARS over his daughters from a previous relationship.

There is no way on earth their mum would have let them come without causing mayhem (the woman even tried to derail my sisters wedding!) but there was no way we could have a wedding party without them

So, we got married in Vegas. If they couldn't be there, then no one else could be either.

It was the right decision for us and for DH's children. It wasn't exactly the fairytale wedding you dream of as a child, but ho hum, that's life.

DH and his kids come as a package. That's what I signed up for.

I know you want the day to be all about you but the fact of the matter is that family and friends who attend know he is a Dad, know that you are becoming a member of the family by marrying into it and, to be frank, people would look askance of them being such a big yawning absence on the day. It would be the BIG elephant in the room, and make you look like the wicked bridezilla step-mother. Not saying you are, but that's how it would be interpreted.

Much, much nicer would be to have the children involved in some way - perhaps too young to do a reading, but to be ring bearers? Hand out the order of service (if it's that kind of wedding) Get them button holes so look like part of the wedding party? Escort their grandparents? And then afterwards if you do speeches, a thank you to them for welcoming you into the family and being such an important part of the day - with a bag of goodies/gift that keeps them quiet. You are going to have a long-term relationship with the children, and can come out of this looking like a brilliant step-mum.

My father remarried. I felt sick at the thought of him getting married and us (me and my siblings) not being there. We did end up going in the end, but I would have felt horribly excluded if I hadn't. Your stepchildren will be teenagers soon and they may be very resentful if you don't have them there.

"i thought this place was for people to share their feelings and ask for advice when they are scared to voice their opinions anywhere else? oviously i am wrong."

Yep it is. But it's also a place where people give honest answers and not a place where it's all "yes you are right" - that's for you circle of friends to do.

"Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids, its our wedding for gods sake! I think our wedding day should be the only day where we just think about each other. he says he doesn't know if he want's them there or not."

Sorry but this statement says a lot more to me. It says you are not ready to be a step parent, you are going to have a lot more issues down the road. I also wonder if the "doesn't know" part is more of a "yes I want them there, but I know you don't, so I'll just say I don't know to avoid a fallout and hope you will have a small space in your heart to say yes".

Geordiemix may have been blunt. But the sentiment is one I agree with.

PS as a parent, I'd rather my kids didn't actually attend the ex's marriage, but if they had to, or wanted to, then I would swallow my feelings and drop them off. The "don't want the ex anywhere nearby" .... Really I wouldn't want to be anywhere near the ex's wedding or help facilitate it in any small manner.

OP if you can't cope with the fact that when his children are with him they need, want and deserve his attention, you might be in for future problems as a step mother IMO.

I presume they aren't coming on your honeymoon - yes, that can be all about you two.

You shouldn't leave his kids out on the big day. They will remember and they WILL care.

Wildfish - I don't think the OP can honestly stop her feelings about the ex. When I was planning DH's 40th we had the same issue. There is no way we could have a celebration with our closest family and friends and not have DH's kids there (they did come and, I should add, without any incidents from the ex).

But, I was quite paniky that She (the ex) would bombard the evening. She (obviously) knew alot of the people at the party and it would have been shockingly awkward if she's pulled some stunt (she was known for this!)

I kept my feelings to myself (and my group of friends who only ever agree with me and tell me I'm right ) but I did, deepdown, have concerns and I went to great lengths to make sure there wasn't any reason she would be near us that day.

harimosmummy - I do understand the "not wanting the ex nearby", I do would not want my ex nearby either. But I also know that I would have (had) no interest in being near my ex's wedding either

Ah but nearby - I took to mean like outside, dropping them off or something like that --- no no no way inside a party/celeb/ceremony.

"Also i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids"

Thats the sort of statement said by someone who gives stepmothers a bad name and undo's all our hard work. The first thing you have to learn to accept as a stepmum is that your partners attention WILL be split, he has priorities other than you and you better learn fast how to make sense of it all.

The second lesson to learn, and perhaps the most important is that life is so much easier all round if you all get on. The kids are part of a family that YOU came into. They came first. Sort any jealousy and resentment out in your own head because you are the adult.

There is no way I'd be married without my partners children there. They are part of my family now, and excluding them would be an extraordinarily cruel thing to do.

I'd go as far to say that if you feel like this, why on earth did you get together with a man with kids?

Wildfish - But I really didn't even want her to be outside dropping the kids off, IYSWIM.

because if the kids had come in and said 'mummy would like to come in and say Hi to [insert name]' what on earth could I have said?

I would have HAD to say 'Yes, that is fine' as it would have spoilt the party to say 'NO she isn't allowed' because then the kids would have been desperately upset and that would have spoilt the party for DH. But, having her there would have spoilt the party for me.... So I did go to great efforts to ensure that the kids would be with us the night before and would be staying the night after too.

(and, just to give you an idea of his ex: She turned up on the doorstep to our new house demanding that she 'needed to pee' - what could we say only 'come in and use the loo'.... She then spent the next week or so sending shitty e-mails / texts and making phonecalls about all the things we had that she wanted and that we should give her more money so I had very good reason to not want her there!)

harimosmummy - I have to admit, I don't even plan on letting ex know (hardly speak anyway now so).... like you I will plan on a day when there is no need for ex to be around day -1, 0, +1 .... of course this is all a when/if scenario.

But on kid(s) they are to be included. Couldn't imagine it otherwise. My little one already wanted to know why he wasn't at his parents wedding in the first place

Haven't read all the replies but as a step child who wasn't invited to her Dad and Step Mothers wedding - I can categorically say I was very upset. It was 28 years ago (I was 7) and it still pisses me off if I think about it.

Needless to say, my own step daughter was at our wedding (she was a bridesmaid)

How do they normally get to you ? Does your DP pick them up and drop them off ? Why can't he do that as normal and get parents/aunts etc. to help look after them during the day ??

Can I ask what you are pissed off about, TSM?

Was it that you weren't at the ceremony or that they had a party without you?

I only ask because DH and I thought long and hard about this - there is NO WAY DH's ex would have been OK with the kids being bridesmaids. Not for a second.

So, we went the other way - disappeared to Vegas on our own and had no one there. No party afterwards either.

I hope my DSDs realise that we did what we thought was best. They have never been excluded from any aspect of our lives... they have parties here, they come on holiday with us etc., we just felt that our wedding was too contentious.

We didn't get married for 8 years because we went round in circles over 'how to get married and involve the kids but not to the extend that Ex goes ballistic'

It sounds like a very different situation harimosmummy. My dad and sm got married locally with "close" family - pretty low key register office ceremony with a meal/drinks after. It just annoyed me that, as my father's only child, I wasn't classed as "close" family. There wouldn't have been a problem from my mum's point of view

To be honest, it was just the beginning of being excluded. When they went on to have my half brothers, I spent many xmas/b'day watching them open hundreds of pounds worth of presents whilst I got £20 in a card. I went on holiday with them once. I didn't have any toys or belongings at their house. I was made to feel like a visitor - and a pretty unwelcome one at that.

Ironically enough, they spoil my dsd rotten now - almost like they are overcompensating.

Anyway - that turned into a rant. I love my dad to bits. Me and my step mom get on fine now. They are brilliant grandparents to our children but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit bitter about how I was treated. I think it took a very long time for my step mom to not be resentful of me - and it showed.

See, I can see that... That's why we were clear that we couldn't have 'close friends and family' without DSDs being there. They were closer than anyone else!!!

So, the only solution was to not have ANYONE there. I couldn't ever have celebrated with 'close family' and not had my DSDs there.

My DSDs have bedrooms here (we have a 6 bed house just to accomodate them all!!) and they come and go with ease.

Thanks for telling me your story!

No problem You sound like you're doing fine and did the best thing re: your wedding. Its is hard - I want DSD to feel like this is her home and try to treat her the same as my dc's. It is difficult being a step mum - no matter how much I love her, I do feel differently about my own children. I just try hard not to let her know that.

OP - I hope you find a way of sorting it out. Like everyone else says, when you are step mum it is never just about you and your DH - not even on your wedding day.

See I have a slightly different problem. I feel for my partner as we are getting married and his sons mother has done so much damage dss has said if we married he doesnt want to come dp is absolutely gutted and I would do anything to make him feel better about it.

The problem we face is that his mother is not well (she has been off work for eighteen months with serious mental health issues so its not nasty new partner syndrome) so we try most of the time not to rock the boat any more (we came very close to having to get a restraining order in december when my baby was born as she was such a nightmare) and big "events" set her off worse then anything else, in a way that is terrifying and really distressing to watch - more for the kids then anyone else so we are almost in the position of wondering if we shouldnt just not tell anyone we are getting married to avoid the fallout.

The first rule of being a step parent - you cant win.

As a much battered SM it is very difficult to keep a balance.
BUT your relationship is not based on one day in a big white dress with everyone saying 'ah look at the bride' - it is based around your committment to each other and ability to communicate.
If you and DP can't talk openly about this issue (I'd be surprised if he didn't have an opinion - he may not be sharing it because you feel so strongly about it) then you have not much hope of being able to talk about all the issues that will come up in your time together (hopefully long and happy)- including DSC problems.

We had both DSS's at wedding (about same age as yours) - my parents looked after them and had them in an adjoining room in the hotel so we had a proper 'wedding night' - and we did not tell XW where it was - even so she had a dead fish delivered to our home that day - think she thought it would stink up the flat but the concierge took delivery and stuck it in his fridge!!

Wkdsm - sorry, I know it must be no fun for you but I did lol at the dead fish. Really ??! Is that like some equivalent bargain basement horse's head ??

I am so lucky that my dsd's mum is reasonable. I can't imagine how difficult it is when you're faced with the sort of behaviour that some of you describe

sorry havent read other replies, may be repeating others.

I think you should involve them and just deal with the fact that they will be involved.

my DSDs were my bridesmaids (my maid of honour picked them up on the way to the hotel). it was a small wedding and I let them choose their outfits. the more confident one read a poem during the ceremony, it was wonderful. my DSS who was 16 was one of our witnesses (we felt he was too young to be best man). they had a separate hotel room.

it was fantastic having them so involved, please don't leave them out. being a stepmum can be so hard but it's wonderful too. you are joining two families. at our wedding dinner, I was too shy to do a proper speech but I stood up and directly thanked my DSCs for accepting me into their lives.

OMG at the dead fish! I thought DHs exW was bitter but she'd never do that!

Dead fish - I laughed too - by that time I had got used to her and kind of expected something like that to happen - hence why we did not tell her where we were getting married / having reception!
We gave the fish to the concierge and his wife - they said it was trout and it was lovely. Full head and everything. Must have cost her a bit to send it!!

OP - it does sound like you are struggling and will struggle much more in the future with being a step-parent. Really, if you feel like this now, then you genuinely do have a lot of trouble coming your way

I'm not having a go - as a stepmother I still have difficulties to some degree after 7 years, and I can empathise with a lot of what you've said. But tbh I think you should stand back and have a long hard think about whether this is a life you want to have. You are not married yet and there is still time to back out. I'm not being over-dramatic, but I do think that being a step-parent is an extra-ordinarily difficult position to be in, and it really doesn't sound like you are entering that journey on the most positive note or with you eyes wide open

Please think about whether being a step-parent is the right thing for you. It really doesn't sound like it is, and if you make the wrong decision now then there could be a lot of hard times ahead for all 4 of you

fwiw - like I said, I have struggled quite a lot with the SM role, but I would never, ever have contemplated not inviting the DSC's to our wedding

You just want your wedding to be about the two of you. You want to pretend that his inconvenient children don't exist so you can have your fairytale day? His children do exist. You are marrying a man with children. His children are his family, and will be yours too. Why not start off on the right foot by including them, involving them, and being the grown-up?

My DSD was bridesmaid at our wedding, I can't imagine not having her there I just knew from the off that she would be, as others have said she was DH closest family.

MissLR I do understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. When we got married DSS was 5, and lived hundreds of miles away, so just having him at the wedding 'for a bit' wasn't an option. In the end we got married abroad (was better for us for a number of reasons), but had a big party when we got back afterwards, which all the family including DSS came to. Although that wasn't without a fight, as he very nearly didn't due to DH's ex deciding she would try and change the plans and book a holiday when we had specifically asked to have DSS for that week! I guess if you have already made wedding plans, it may be a little difficult to change them now!

Being a step mum is one of the hardest things I have personally experienced - way harder than having your own kids, and sometimes it can be very difficult to please everyone, and yes it also does feel sometimes that your own feelings end up coming last. I wish I could say it gets easier, but unfortunately I can't say that it does, there is always some issue or other coming up - and that's after 9 years!

"..... i don't like the idea of my DP's attention having to be split between me and his kids, its our wedding for gods sake! I think our wedding day should be the only day where we just think about each other"

I find your comments utterly selfish! You are entering into this marriage knowing your partners children are going to be part of your life as well as his - that should also include them being at their fathers wedding! Imagine how you would feel if you weren't included.

As for him not knowing how he feels - do you think this is to please you? - you sound pretty adamant you want it to only be you and him and may be putting unnecessary pressure on him. Of course he'll be giving them attention too - part and parcel of marrying someone with children.

You actually make me feel quite uneasy that you are going to be their stepmum!

Sorry if I sound harsh but I was quite appalled that you would even entertain leaving them out!