Im not sure i can cope

[Tricks]

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

Caligula, they may not go to court for many reasons. They may believe that they wont win, they may be scared of what their ex will do to them if they do win, they may be blackmailed that it wouldnt be in the childrens best interests, or they may be just bullied into giving up the children by the ex.

Possible NN, but 90%?

My guess is that there may be some dissatisfied absent parents in there who don't go to court because they don't want to rock the boat, and some dissatisfied resident parents in there who don't deny contact because they don't want to rock the boat. But imo it's straining credulity to believe that the majority are all desperately wishing to go to court and are too scared to. It may be true, but if it is, no-one has so far come out with any evidence of it. And all we can go on reasonably in this as in most areas of life, is evidence.

Caligula,
I feel Im being pushed into a generalisation here, and I dont think thats appropriate, because each case is different. Im not concerned about the exact percentage of unjust cases. Just saying that I think there is room for more than one point of view on the whole divorce/maintenance issue, so GA's posts arent actually that far out.
Im not going to argue about what percentage of cases deserve a particular judgement, if you get my drift.

Fair enough. I agree there's room for more than one point of view. But GA's pov (and his/ her means of expressing it) is one I have absolutely no time for!

You're right Caligula. Such sensationalism and flagrant bating dampen the validity of the debate.

This is so sad. Sorry Tricks that you have received such mixed replies. Whilst I really value honesty, surely we all have a right to support on the relevant board. This board is for step-parents - whilst others are welcome and free to contribute I would hope it would be in a spirit of empathy and understanding. Some of the comments have been highly judgemental and unhelpful. It is a particualarly hard and lonely role to take on - and some of the comments here suggest that this board has been hijacked by people who show little understanding for the emotions we go through. To be honest, I have given up on the step-parenting part of Mumsnet for this reason despite the great contributions of many people. Being a step-mum is really hard - surely we deserve a supportive site???

HEAR HEAR LooptheLoop. Well said.

Notice that Tricks hasn't been back to this thread again, I can't imagine why

Oh please, the hijacking that went on was deliberately done by GA, who came on this board to do his/ her usual thing of slagging off ex-wives and partners, whether that's relevant to the thread or not.

Whether this is a step-parenting board or not, it?s totally unreasonable to expect people in an open forum to read preposterous postings like GA?s and not to respond to them in a combative and challenging manner. No I?m not going to be empathetic and understanding about the idea that men should just be allowed to discard their children whenever they feel like it and that women who make efforts to persuade their exes to continue their relationship with their father, are simply ?stirring it?. Have you actually read GA?s postings? I don?t care what board s/he posts them on, they are absurd and offensive, and I?m not going to let this crass misogyny go unchallenged whatever the original subject matter of the thread. And if that makes me a stupid witch, who cares?

All the hostile postings (I think) were not hostile to step-parenting per se (some of the people who posted are in step-parenting situations themselves), they were hostile to the idea of someone doing it in a self-centred and immature way, such as ascribing adult emotions to a child. (Manipulative and devious FGS.) You can have empathy and understanding for that view, but you can?t pander to it ? no, I don?t think you can expect support for that point of view, it?s wrong and I doubt that there are many people who know anything whatsoever about children, who would say that it?s OK and deserves support.

ah guardianangel is posting - so I don't even have to ask Suzywong's usual question...

will add this to watch list and come back later..

As Tricks hasn't been back, I don't think its fair for anyone to start inferring why. it could be because of one person on here, because of several, because of all of us, because she's busy, because she had all the opinions she wanted and has gone off to use them.....

Unless she comes back and says herself that she took offence at xxxxx then its no-one else's place to comment on her not coming back.

Also want to agree with Caligula - you don't need to know statistics but it is a fact that there are a group of absent fathers who are quite happy being absent fathers and even they have to pay maintenance THEY do consider it a bargain. They're happy just to shove a bit of money the child's way and absolve themselves of guilt. Its not right but it does happen. It doesn't apply to all absent fathers but its wrong to assume all absent fathers are wringing their hands and in terrible distress at being absent.

I think I found GA's real identity. Checkout www.angryharry.com

It's a real hoot!

monkeytrousers
wow great find - Im going to check it out properly later!

But a website that publishes a photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking the hand of Saddam Hussein cant be ALL bad, can it!

Oh, but that's what they want you to think!!!!!

What a great website - it's so wierd!

Shall we discuss it elsewhere - out of respect for Tricks? We could call it GA or AH - you decide!

Yep - thank for the link, just what i needed to read right now. right.

Wobblyknicks, I think I'm perfectly within my rights to 'comment' on the reason Tricks hasn't come back. After all there's been so much 'commenting' and speculating going on already in this thread, it seems a little hypocritical to even say that it's 'no one's place to comment'. You may as well shut down this whole website then . People make comments on this forum every single day, whether they are justified or not.

HappyMumof2 posted somewhere earlier saying that she had decided to keep away from the stepparents board because of the animosity & negativity that seems to appear here - well I feel exactly the same way, and I'm on the opposite side of the fence. I don't feel there is much support here for step-parents at all, just as she seems to feel she's being attacked simply for being an 'ex'.

I tried to express sympathy & understanding towards HMof2's position earlier on in this thread, but have yet to receive a reply regarding my own situation, which has been equally hard and distressing for me at times (as a step-parent and as my dh's second partner). It has not been a bed of roses - in fact it couldn't be further from it - and LooptheLoop's post just said it for me. It seems very likely to ME (speaking on my own behalf) that Tricks may feel she's stirred up enough negativity here without wanting to be on the receiving end of any more completely unhelpful responses.

Just my view. I can't help it if it irritates you Wobblyknicks, but I have the same right to make a comment here as anybody else.

LJsmum - the one good thing from Trick's point of view, is that this thread will make it quite clear to her what a quagmire she's walking into. If virtual strangers on the internet get so het up about it, imagine what it's right in RL.

Hope that hasn't scared you too much Tricks! But forewarned is forearmed.

Sorry what it's like in RL

That's true Caligula... good point. It might prepare her for some very differing attitudes from people regarding her situation.

That's okay HappyHuggy - I'm not as angry as Harry/Harriet

Message withdrawn

I'm not having a go at any individual person. All I know is that I used to find this site supportive and helpful. I no longer do so and personally I find that sad. I find its tone has changed and many more judgemental comments have come in. I have no wish to tell anyone what and where they can post. I am just making a personal reflection that it is extremely difficult being a stepmum and many of us rely on this site for support. Losing that support is hard and hardly in the best interests of step-parents or step-children. This is a step-parenting site and I agree wholeheartedly that it should be open to all. But if the contributions of non step-parents drive off the step-parents who really need it, that doesn't make sense to me. I don't go onto other people's sites and make them feel unwelcome there.

PS having a bad week so this thread may have been the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sorry if that is the case...