Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

Yes,I have contact with their parents here and there, they apparently also seem fine with their kids coming home so late...
They don't really get into serious trouble though. I mean,I'm not ok with this but since her dad allows it.
He trusts her very very much.

Paolosgirl - yes she gets attention all the time,even whe she isn't rude towards me. Her dad spoils her very much.

Heated - yes, DS is a bit nicer but he's still quite close to his sister and very protective of her...

Dittany - my husband isn't an absent father. He adores his kids and is quite close to them. He's not perfect of course, his parenting is sometimes too leniant but never because he doesn't care for his kids.
I don't understand why are you so harsh on him.
I appreciate alot all the replies,every single one and I'm very thankful,this site has helped me a lot,but I can't seem to find one post by you in which you weren't slating my husband?

Sounds like you're doing great Lins!

Dittany - Just as sort of a cultural bridge, Lins75 is posting from America. The work culture is extremely different here. When we lived in London, my husband was sent home for coughing too much. (He had a really bad cold.) DH was forcibly put on holiday because he felt too busy to take one. I was sent home from work one day because I fell over. (I had pneumonia and was having a miscarriage.) Then they had the nerve to give me sick pay. I was very surprised.

It's really different here. If you value your job, you show up with pneumonia, family problems, a miscarriage. It is the only way to succeed. And in this market, if you don't want it, someone is all ready to take it from you.

Keep up the good work Lins. Keep us all posted.

Glad you got thru' the first night ok. How old were te step children when you first lived with them? Did they accept you more then?

I've been lurking on your thread because I really have nothing helpful to say that hasn't been said by everyone else, but just want to tell you you're doing great and ((HUGS)) and support from a stranger in Canada.
I also have to say that reading your thread has made me to think what I put my stepfather through. Nothing like what our SD is doing!!! But still... I really disliked him for years and treated him in a way that could be called "silent insolence". Poor man. I'm amazed he put up with me.
Just want to add that I eventually pulled my head out of my ass and began to value him, and eventually grew to love him - even more so since DS's birth, he is the most lovely grandfather.
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Thinking of you!!

I'm glad to hear so Mrsjammi , I got a lot of support from everyone on here and it's noce to know that not everyone else have that Brady Bunch perfection.

Jacksmama - thank you so much for the new perspective, hopefully one day when she's older my DSD will begin to appreciate me more too...

I would leave - I wouldn't put my child through that - how low is her self-esteem going to be. You only get one crack at childhood.

I agree vev, how completely awful for your 13 yr old. She must hate waking up. You're feeling the guilt for a reason, you know it's not fair on your DD1.

Just one question Lins, how's your DD1 doing in all this. I've read the thread and not much further mention of her. If that was my DD I'd put her happiness before my own and certainly before a step daughter that is not only lacking manners but seemingly a heart and empathy, too. You say separation is the last card you'll deal, that's all very understandable, but when will that breaking point come? How long does your DD have to put up with living under such an emotional strain before you put her well-being before your coziness of being married. I'm not slating you, I understand you also have a dd with your current dh. I'm just wondering.

I really hope your dh can get this sorted, I wouldn't wish your situation on my worst enemy. Really for you.

Hope things are better now that DH back.

No, my daughter does not hate waking up in the morning. Yes,it's a difficult situation for me and her but in no way do we hate our lives.
And I am thinking of her well-being,not just my coziness of being married.

When DH was back from his trip he sat down with DSD and talked to her (later I joined them).
The talk was really long, it even stretched to two days and to cut all short, all the decisions and permissions need to go through me too.
She didn't like it at first at all.
However she asked DH to have her belly button pierced and he said that I need to agree to it along with him so she realized that I have the adult power card.
She was allowed to do that after some careful consideration.

She still is still pretty much ignoring my DD1 and continues to live her happy life. However DD and I have been doing some things together, DH took her to a football match and they had fun.
I stopped being the kids maid and DSD now completely banned me from entering her room at all but now she has to clean it out and put her clothes to be washed. So maybe it's not an improvement in our relationship but it is for my life.

She doesn't disrespect me anymore, but is still ignoring me and it can be quite hurtful when she chats and laughs and goofs around with DH and DSS and I feel left out but me and DH are working on this, he often tries to stir the convo to me and include me in.

DH and I are planning on taking a nice trip soon too.
And also one for the entire family soon, where there are no other people,just the 6 of us and hopefully we'll al bond more(or kill each other but I'm an optimist)

DH is out of town this week again and I have to deal with DSDs problem in school. She was caught in the schoold suply room with her boyfriend. Since it's a strict private school she now faces suspension.
DH is in on it,told him over the phone.

The drama never ends here...

Lins, I have only just seen your update, I'm glad that things are at least a bit calmer for you. It sounds as though your DH is trying really hard to make things right for everybody. Well done you for sticking with it.

Good luck sorting out her latest drama. I think she is very lucky to have you as you sound as though you quite genuinely want the best for her.

At least life isn't dull......

Hi
I have just seen your update. Glad some things are sorted-there was never going to be a quick solution, but at least you have the first steps. Good luck.

I have been wondering how you've been getting on. Glad that taking some steps is paying off for you. Wishing strength & happiness.