Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

I don't know what to do now? Should I lock the doors or not?
I do care and worry about her but I am at my wits end to how to get her to take me seriously!
I would never consider this as an option if it wasn't such a drastic situation.

Sounds like a good idea laughing about the picture but too late now, i took it off. It was seriously creepy.

P.S. Dittany - yes,the money he and only he earns for our family is important to all 6 of us.

I wouldn't lock the doors-I think her safety is more important than an argument about time.
I think you are not going to get very far with her until DH gets home. I would just treat the week as a holding exercise-ignore her and never rise to the bait. Do a lot of smiling and play her at her own game.

Yes,she has a mobile.
Ok,I'll do that. But I just know my husband won't really react to that. She's broken curfew before and nothing major happened as punishment.

I just want to say that SC are not in any way treated badly. If anything they are treated way too good which...
I do care for them no matter how hard my DSD makes it for me.

Lins, regarding locking her out, aside from my concerns that you should only do this with the involvement of your dh, i think that some of the other posters are right - you don't need to tackle this this week, while dh is away. together you have planted the seed of a new regime in dsd's mind, and it doesn't necessarily need ramming home straight away, and the ramming home certainly doesn't need to come from you on your own. i would just be as nice as you can (without appearing to pander to her), and get on with your life as simply as possible. offer her food...carry on as normal, and tackle the big issues with dh by your side when he gets back.
the only other thing i would suggest is tell your dd that you love her more than anything else in the world. every day. i'm sure you do that anyway - you sound lovely and patient and caring

Don't lock her out, unless you think her arrival will be noisy and disruptive to the rest of the family's sleep. You're onto a loser trying to get her to follow your rules as your husband isn't backing you up. Give yourself a break from the tension she's causing you and leave her to her own devices. let her dad deal with her.

Just come back to this. No, I wouldn't lock the doors, tempting though it may be. If it's not something that your DH would do then don't start doing it when he's away - it would just be another red mark against your name. She may even invent some scenario that would make it seem as if she had been in danger - she certainly sounds capable of it, and it might drive a wedge between you and your dh.

Re your dh's business trips. I know his job and the salary is important, but this sounds like a make or break time for all of you. I presume he's fairly senior - could he not put all trips on hold for the next few months until this is all resolved, or reschedule things, or make conference calls? It would be a very vocal and very real indication to the DSC that he does mean business and that he intends to deal with them.

No don't lock her out - that's a battle to be fought and won by her father. There's no need for you to up the ante by locking her out & forcing a confrontation on you when you have enough to cope with alone this week (and painting you in a bad light too possibly, especially following the picture removal) - one step at a time.

But don't go out of your way to do things for her either if she's ignoring you, as that would be rewarding her bad behaviour. She can get herself up, laundry & packed lunches she can take care of herself. Feed her if you want but it's up to her to come to dinner.

And nothing pricks a teenager's pomposity and posturing than they suspecting you find them amusing.

As tempting as it must be I wouldn't lock her out either Lins.

As I said earlier, ride this week out. Be patient, bite your lip, have selective hearing and enjoy the time she is at school. It is just a week and your DH has gone on his trip with clear understanding of what has to change. Maybe the time away will enable him to do some thinking without it all being in his face iyswim. It may enable him to come up with some solutions, be stronger etc.

Ok,so I won't be telling her anything of she comes home later than her curfew I'll just inform DH.
Also won't be making an effort or bothering at all.
I'll just focus on my kids and keep calm.

P.S. No,there was no way of rescheduling his trip. Absolutly no way.

What a brat!

I wouldn't lock her out as that will give her amunition, cos the next thing she'll try and do is get between you and your DH. Play her at her own game, smile sweetly, ensure food is available but don't go out of youe way to make anything special for her, don't driver her around or do her laundry. It's one week, it will be over soon, I imagine her behavious is going to get worse before it gets better. At least your DH seems to be taking things more seriously now and is telling her off - OK she may hate you even more for a while but as others have said, its not your job to be her friend.

I wish you all the best for this week and hope that in time things will improve. Only you know if your DH is worht it but do whatever you can to help your DD.

Remember smile sweetly, don't yell at her - as you've said its not working anyway so try soething new.

Good luck

Sounds like you are doing great Lins!

I wouldn't worry about the advice that he ought to stay home and face this. It's not an option. My DH travels a lot. It's part of his job. It can be really rough on a family. In addition, if your DH stayed home to deal with SD is a way of winning the battle. That's what she wants. Her father's attention.

But, I'd at least write away for brochures about theraputic boarding schools. There is nothing good a child of 15 can be up to at 3 AM. She is a troubled teen. Many look bubbly, happy and outgoing on the outside. (My DD went to a private school and most of her friends were very troubled kids. They were popular, bright kids. A lot of them are in rehab now.)

Thought you might find this funny. Might want to print it for DH. It may make him think.
www.theonion.com/content/news/wealthy_teen_nearly_experiences

Good luck. I will be thinking of you this week.

Jammi is right, there are no easy answers when it comes to step parenting.

Keep strong.

Just a thought-would it be possible for your DH to take a few days off when he gets back and really sort out the problem together?

I hope you're OK this morning LInz.

I agree Pisces - togetherness between you and your dh is what she needs to see right now.

Of course she wants her fahter's attention! It sounds like a massive cry for attention, and it doesn't sound as if she's getting very much of it, sadly, except in the way of material goods. Teenagers need boundaries, just as small children. They may not appear to like it, but it makes them feel secure, they know what is expected of them, and what's more they know that someone cares about them enough to NOT let them out until 3 in the morning.

I know rescheduling this trip was not an option, but what about future trips? Can an alternative be found during this rough time to allow you 2 to put on a united front and show her that the family is what comes first and foremost. This situation will only get worse before it gets better once she starts fighting against the consequences you put in place to deal with her behaviour - then you really WILL need to both be around to support and back each other up!

To reply - She gets loooooooads of attention. She and DSS are the ones who are constantly getting attention from everyone.
Not just in material things but also in everyday life. Trust me on that.

My husband cannot be canceling his trips that often. Traveling is a huge part of his job and maybe he can cancel a couple of trips for emergencies of course but he needs to travel. It's his job,I never once blamed him for it.

Now to update you guys:
She came home last night at around 3.30,went to school this morning without breakfast and came back quite late from school. I didn't ask where she was or anything.
She was in her room talking to a friend and DSS was there so i caled them for lunch,he went down,she said she ate out.
She went for riding later and is now home in the living room with DSS.

I just spent the day with my DDs.

DH called, I told him she was a little late for her curfew but thats something he can deal with when he comes back and he said that we'll all have a talk once he's home.

Only 6 more days!

I find it amazing that anyone thinks 3.30am is alright for a 15yr old on a school night! Are you saying this is the norm among her friends and all the parents allow it? Do you have contact with the friend's parents.
I am just curious, it seems very lax-I am a fairly strict parent (according to my DSs) but even the most liberal of their friend's parents wouldn't have them out until that time on a school night,unless it was a very valid one off experience.
Even if I had my son's friends around at my house I would be turfing them off home at what I consider 'bed time'.

That's a shame he can't scale things down a bit for a time.

Is she really getting her father's attention if she's allowed to stay out til all hours with no retribution, if he waves away your concerns and if he doesn't put real consequences in place whenever she steps out of line or is disrespectful towards you and your DC? Is she getting attention BEFORE she does this, or is this the only way to elicit attention from him?

To echo Pisces - what do her friends' parents think of them all coming home so late?

Fingers crossed that the next 6 days go by quickly for you

Well done, thats one day done!

I actually think this trip will do your DH some good as it sounds as though he is thinking about things. Hopefully he will return with a clear head and be ready for to face it head on.

Good luck.

You did well .

Typical teenage boy that dss is where the food is! Is he nicer than his sibling?