Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

No, you're not being unreasonable to feel so sad.

But you have to take charge of the situation, as your DH isn't doing this. You are the adult/parent in this relationship and therefore you get to make the rules. It sounds like you're trying to ingratiate yourself with them, but the end result is that they don't respect you.

I would stop worrying about getting them to like you - just get them to start behaving properly.

Talk to your DH first about this, but be very clear that things are going to change and don't let him talk you out of this.

It's outrageous that your own daughter is excluded and so alienated, and your duty has to be to her and not the horrible behaviour of your step children.

You are not being unreasonable to feel so sad at all.

It sounds as though you are living a life whilst walking on egg shells, and it just isn't working.

In my honest opinion I would stop covering for them, straight away. Their father needs to take some control, why do you protect him from their bad behaviour.

I would also talk to your husband first and be very calm but very clear that this situation cannot and will not continue. Maybe suggest a family meeting where some ground rules will be laid down, and then take it slowly.

I would also want the portrait moved, move it to one of the childrens bedrooms. I think that would be fair and certainly have photos of their mum around but not a massive family portrait.

My aunt married a widowers with 3 adopted teenage children a few years after their adoptive mother died. They lived in the family home for 18m but it felt like she was living in someone else's home, and I suppose she was really.

Although not a good climate for it, is there any chance of moving and starting afresh?

Oh, and welcome to MN!

Agree your dh needs to take over the discipline. Why doesn't he notice that they are out to all hours?

And do you do nice things with your dd, just the two of you?

Welcome to MN.

No constructive advice to offer but just wanted to post to say I'm sorry you are going through this.

YANBU-you can't live like that, it isn't fair on you or your DD. It is unfortunate that you have drifted into being the housekeeper without a relationship, as far as your step DCs are concerned. I think that you need to have it out with DH to start with, and make changes. Once you have an agreement with DH you need to sit down together with your step DCs and re negotiate your life together, with some empathy for your DD1 from her step siblings. If he won't listen then I would suggest some outside help. It seems to me that you and your DD1 have come into an established family and while you are bending over backwards to fit in they are doing nothing in return. It all hinges on your DH, he is the one that should have sorted it before your DD2 was born.

You are not being at all unreasonable - it sounds like an awful situation to be living in. I think though that it's not so much the DSC as your DH that needs to change here. They sound pretty obnoxious, but perhaps they are kicking back against losing their mum then having their dad remarry and having another child, and taking it all out on you.

For your DH though to wave his hands and refuse to discuss any of your concerns is far more worrying and I'm sure upsetting for you. I'd echo what some of the other posters have said, and sit down with him and lay it on the line rationally and calmly - that unless he starts working with you and supporting you in building a family unit consisting of the 5 of you then it doesn't seem like there is a future for the 2 of you. The TWO OF YOU should then call a family meeting and set out the rules and boundaries, and the consequences for breaking these. Then you both have to stick to them. The portrait should also be moved.

Good luck. It sounds a like a really sad situation. I hope you can resolve it with your dh.

Thank you for your messages guys,it realy means a lot to me.

About a year ago I sat down and talked to my husband and suggested we all go family counseling.It seemed like a nice idea to me.

His kids laughed at me and she said I was a drama queen as ever and that I can go with MY family if I want to.Indirectly telling me that I'm not her family.
Hubby just shrugged and said that he can't force them (in fact he CAN!).

I really do not want to take on the role of a full parent or their mother but I do want to be treated with more respect than their dog (actually they respect him more than me).
I want to set some of my rules in my home and instead they're the ones setting rules here for me!
I wanted to move out,get another house but again,the kids won't dream of it.
You see instead of me being the grown up and them asking me stuff,I have to ask their permission!

She comes home at 4 a.m. and I told my husband that I don't like it. He said that she works hard in school and like to have her fun,no big deal,he will talk to her.I am never allowed to talk to her about rules and breaking them.
He then 'talks' to her,nothing changes except she hates me even more for spilling the beans.

I can't win no matter what I do.

The Brady Bunch make it look soooo easy! lol

P.S. For someone that asked,I try to do lot of stuff with DD1 but sometimes I just can't find the time between taking care of the house, a two year old and 2 very ingrateful teenagers!

Lins, hope you weren't thinking I was criticising when asking what you did with dd; was just trying to get the full picture as you describe doing awful lot for the dsd.

How feasible would it be just you and dh going to counselling? It sounds as if you really need to talk. Would I be right in saying he doesn't understand how seriously this is affecting you and your marriage?

I am also really surprised that he is so unconcerned by his 15 yr old dd being out til 4am. Is the door bolted so he has to get up to let her in?

I think heated may have a good point about the two of you going to counselling alone first.

It also may not be the right thing to do (I'm not sure) but if it were me I would probably cease to care for the step children apart from the usual, cooking, washing etc. Do not allow them to take you away from your children if they do not even want to spend time with you.

Whether they like it or not, and if not why not, you ARE part of the family, a big part.

Ultimately, tbh it is your dh that needs to sort this out, and quickly. I am step mother to three boys and the times I have found it the hardest are when dh doesn't step in when I feel he should. The rest I think you can deal with, but only with proper support from your partner and their father.

Oh no,I wasn't thinking you were criticising at all,I'm sorry if I made it sound like that with the exclamation mark.

No,my husband doesn't understand the seriousness of this at all. He thinks we all live blissful and happy even though I tried explaining several time that the situation doesn't work for me and my DD1.

I think it would be a good start for just the two of us to go,thanks.

p.s. It doesn't obviously concern him that she comes home so late,bear in mind she just turned 15 a few days ago.
He doesn't have to open the doormshe can go directly to her room from the outside property.

Agree that you need to abandon all thoughts of trying to make them like you - it doesn't sound like that will happen until they're mature adults.

Also bear in mind that presumably you only have a couple of years before the oldest leaves home, which will severely undermine the DSD. This isn't a long-term crisis, you just need to work out how to get through the next few years.

Does your DH have any idea how unhappy you are? You need to spell it out to him - write a letter if that would be easier. And push as hard as you can for a house move. The stepchildren have been through an awful lot if their mother has died, but you also have to balance their security of having the old family home against yours and your DD's happiness.

Lins, this is a really harsh sounding situation. Your SDCs are calling the shots far too loudly and the balance is all wrong in your family.

YOU need to regain control. Until you have some control your sdc's (and by the sounds of things your dh too ) will not respect you.

Your relationship with your dd1 is suffering and she too sounds powerless and out of control. Deeply miserable too, I would imagine.

You cannot carry on in this way, you need to speak to your dh urgently. I would give him an ultimatum, and be prepared to carry it through should he not respond. Wishing you strength.

Keep in touch as I am really interested to know where this will lead. Oh, and welcome to MN .

The problem is not with your stepchildren but between you and your DH: you are not working together as parents and your DSCs are playing him and you off against one another. Please go to Relate and get some counselling to help the two of you learn to be co-parents in a blended family.

I think the problem is that as a step parent you are automatically cast as the villain, this used to really bother me. As long as you know that you have tried your best to be an inclusive, equal family etc then it is fine to start to step back and take charge of the situation in a different way.

I think you are a tiny bit to blame here. I am sorry to be harsh but I also have SC and can relate to a lot of what you say. But you have let things go completely unchecked. Of course they are not going to have any respect for you and your DD if you have never pulled them up on what quite frankly is disgraceful behavior.

I have ALWAYS been able to communicate to my DH when things get out of hand and he will step in and privately ( I don't feel comfortable having a huge confrontation, this works for us) have strong words with them and remind them to respect me, the family and our rules. It is not easy but that comes with being part of Family life.

I think your DH is largely to blame for the way you feel now. Children need to be guided and taught how to behave by responsible adults in a family dynamic like this. The family portrait is just another reminder of your place in this dynamic. I really feel for your DD - she must feel like something on the bottom of their shoe from what you describe. Does she also go to Public school or is it just your SC?

I think you need to take action - what you describe would be make or break time for me...

Stop running around after them. Stop running around after all of them!

HAs the house ever been decorated since you moved in? I think you should tell them you are painting the room where the picture is, that you are choosing the colours but want their input. Tell them, don't ask.