Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

Lins, what did you DH do about the children when he needed to go away on business before he was married to you? Perhaps you could suggest to him that he do that again (hire a baby-sitter, ask a relative to stay) if he has to go away in the future and you and your DDs can perhaps go away with him. This will achieve two things, firstly it will make your DH deal with the consequences of his DD's behaviour and secondly give you some relaxed time with your children and hopefully with your DH too.

I agree with the others that you need to stop reacting to your DSD's behaviour. When you saw that she had hung the picture in the bedroom for instance, you could have just quietly asked your DH if he wanted it there and got him to move it if not. Try to see her as somebody else's tantruming toddler and be non-responsive to everything she does, at most report her behaviour to your DH out of her earshot and let him decide how to deal with it.

She sounds like a spoilt pain in the neck who is afraid that her Dad doesn't love her anymore, and TBH it sounds as though he doesn't care about her as much as he should if he's not taking an interest in her emotional problems.

I should hide the portrait away now. If she asks where it is you can take a leaf out of her book and smile nicely and tell her that you thought she didn't want it since she had put in in your room. I think you have to just have a holding time until he comes back-unless you can get her to talk- so smile and ignore her, don't do the normal mum type things like wake her for school unless she interacts with you. Don't include her in meals unless she comes out of her room and asks. When DH comes back it really is make or break time-don't slide into more of the same.

Some great advice here Lins - you have to take some really deep breaths and put into practice until your DH gets back.
Gosh it must be so bloody hard but you just have to block her out for now.

How is your SS reacting to all of this....it sounds like SHE is the one with the issues and is dominating him.

No more pandering imo.

Chuck portrait in the garage, shed or attic.

Dont drive, cook, clean or do anything for her. Show her the negative ambivalence she is showing you.

Do you have to cook etc. for her. Would your husband be ok with it, if you just left her to her own devices?

I have no experience of this. But can I suggest that the family portrait is just put away in the loft or somewhere out of the way, don't chuck it out or anything. ss is clearly not over the loss of her mother and her dad is the one who should be helping her, he's the one who's at fault here imho, you sound like a lovely person who has put up with far too much.

I would ignore ss, not in a vindictive way just ignore the tantrumming, if she chooses to speak and participate then so be it. As for her laundry, I would seriously just teach her how to use the machine, I don't intend to be doing my kids laundry past the age of ten if they want clean clothes they can run the machine themselves, and I never iron anyway.

As for the re-decorating, I actually think it was a success from your description, apart from ss everyone else liked it.

fuzzywuzzy, how old are your dcs??

i'm just imagining what would happen if i stopped washing clothes for all those who'd had their 10th birthday!!!

it's a lovely idea though

my girls are 5 and 4, but I swear I did the laundry in my house when I hit ten, my sisters and I took turns at laundry, helping with cooking and dusting vacuuming making bedsetc, mum would have gone nuts doing it all alone I definitely remember changing my brother nappies and must have been about 9 then. It's normal (for me) I have no awful childhood memories about this....

I've trained my girls to put all clothes in wash basket and plates in sink after eating so far, and they tidy away all toys before bed....

Am I evil, is this wrong?

no no no...i wasn't judging you at all.

i was amusing myself with the thought of belonging to the grubbiest family in the area!!

our dcs do dusting and tidying etc, and collect washing form the various baskets around the house under instruction, eg "please can you fetch everything red, pink, purple and orange" or "everything white or cream" and they put their own clothes away in their cupboards and drawers...but if they had to actually be responisble for providing themselves with clean clothes they would be very smelly indeed!

Just some things to reply :
I know she lost her mother obviously,she is very protective of her mothers memory (she was 6 when her mom died) but has also come to terms with it in a way.

She is quite the happy child,outgoing,million friends,smart,funny and charming.
But she can be bitchy and she uses it all on me because she dislikes me with a passion.

Her friends were over just now and then they all (including DSD) went out. I told her to be home before 3 a.m. (thats what hubby said on the phone),she just laughed and continued on.

So tonight at 3 I'm locking all the doors,balconies,terrace doors and picking up all the keys.
If she doesn't want to live in this house by my rules than she can sleep outside.

She doesn't have to talk to me or anything like that but she does have to listen to my rules.

Another question someone asked : Yes I have one daughter with DH,she's 2.
And DSS also fairly dislikes me but doesn't go to the extent his sister does. However the two are very close and he'll protect her no matter what.

will she have a safe place to sleep if she is locked out?

if she comes home late and can't get in and something terrible happens to her you will never forgive yourself, and nor will your dh

i think (obviously this is only my opinion) you would be better leaving her able to get in, and next time (tomorrow?) telling her the curfew is whatever time "because that's what your dad says" thus making it clear they are his rules rather than your so it is no skin off your nose if she ignores you. and clear locking her out with him before you do it. share the responsibility!

have to agree with dittany though about a 3am curfew. in my life a fourteen or fifteen year old is safely in by 10pm at the latest! presumably she isn't back to school tomorrow?

keep your chin up, it sounds like you are really biting the bullet. hopefully things will start to feel better...

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. You might find some good ideas in DeMartini's book The Breakthrough Experience, he has exercises that can help you deal with people who really get to you. Might help you feel more powerful in the situation. Practise observing your emotions, noticing where you feel the tension in your body, take a few breaths. You don't have to let your emotions control your actions, it's hard but if you can take the heat out of the exchanges then it might improve things. No point carrying on kicking if nothing to kick out at. One day she will grow up.

I wouldn't have her friends over.

Fark me 3AM is late. Is it a school night?

I'd feel a bit dubious aobut locking her out tbh - I'd advise checking with your DH first, as fourkidsmum says, this isn't a decision you should have to take responsibility for alone - it would be v. easy to paint you as the wicked stepmother if you did this and something bad did happen. Your DH needs to take responsibility for a decision like this (I can't imagine taking the chance of locking my DD out of home at that time, purely on a safety ground, but who knows, when she's an obby teenager I may feel differently!) Also, I don't really see why you should have to stay up until 3AM to lock the doors - do you not go to bed? I try to go at 1030PM

Am loving the idea of making DC's do laundry at 10 FW. 6 months to go!!!

Was wondering what happened. Well done on tackling the hugely significant and symbolic issue of the picture.

Your dsd reaction of sticking the picture right above your bed was very funny - I certainly appreciate you might not have thought so at the time - but imagine how hearty shared laughter with dh would have burst her balloon!

Your dh does need to lay down the law about her curfew - in a way that's probably what dsd has been waiting for, for him to be her Dad and to stop excusing her behaviour because she lost her mother 9 yrs ago but instead challenge her to shape up. When HE returns, HE locks the doors and HE has to be the one to get up to her when she wants in at 3am and then to read her the riot act as any concerned parent would. Don't you do this.

In the meantime, disengage and treat her tantrums as you would any toddler's - ignore, walk away, be somewhat tolerently amused. You have enough on your hands with dss, teenage dd and you little one. Now you've taken the 1st step, plan the next decorating project! Put the contentious picture away for safe keeping when dsd or dss want it.

And yes, you and dh urgently need couselling on the issues between you as a couple and how to parent TOGETHER as a united front, with him dealing with the main discipline issues with his children.

She will have a safe place to stay,she stayed out all night yesterday so she can freely do it today too.

I don't like the idea of a 14/15 year old girl staying out all night but DH set this arrangment,he's clearly fine with it so I'm letting it be.
But she thinks that because her dad is not home right now she can do whatever she likes, not happening.

I'm gonna play her game,ignore her,don't do anything for her but she still needs to follow some rules that I make in my home. Just because the two of us are ignoring each other doesn't mean she can run rampant.

Dittany - my DH had to go on thistrip_.
He isn't ducking responsibility,this was an important business trip that needed to be attended.
It's not like he ran away to party in Vegas. It's his career in question,I don't ever blame my husband when it comes to his job.
He works very hard and brings home a HUGE bacon.

If someone has huge issues it can be helpful sometimes-at least you get the DCs point of view.

I think if you can give her the unexpected reaction it will be more effective-I love Heated's idea of laughing about the picture over the bed!