Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

I was thinking of you Lins-I could forsee problems as soon as you touched the picture. Seriously, dittany is right-your problem is not your step daughter, your big problem is your DH. I think it is crunch time and your DH tackles the problem with you or you put your DD first and leave him.

Sorry, it sounds a bit cruel for me to sit at home telling you this when I am not the one dealing with it. There is no kind way of putting it, your DH has to see that it is no life for you, certainly very hard on DD1 and not a good upbringing for DD1. The step DCs are doing OK as they have a housekeeper/nanny that they can be as rude as they want to without any comeback.

What happened Lins?

Dittany and PM the SD is responsible for her own actions and behavior here, she is not a baby. I too believe the DH is at massive fault first and foremost but the SC are a problem too.

Keep posting Lins, I feel so shitty for you x

Lins, the posters above are right...your dsd is not behaving well, but she is a teenager, and teenagers often behave as far out on the bounderies as they are allowed to do! your dh needs to realise that you are his wife, this is your home, and start to stick up for you. he probably wouldn't be too pleased if you decided that your daughter needs some piccies of her dad around and got some nice big (ex)family portraits and hung them on the lounge wall!! because maybe he still feels that this is their house, like his daughter?

but of course, he may well be thinking exactly the same thing as you, but from his own perspective - "i could lose my daughter because of my step-daughter/wife," which makes this very difficult all round, particularly because in his case we are talking about a bereaved child. he doesn't want to alienate her with his strictness (not necessarily wisely), but also he doesn't want it to appear to her that you - his dw - are behind the strictness because he doesn't want her relationship with you to deteriate because he doesn't want to be forced to the point of having to decide if this can work. and probably re the picture(s), for the reasons given above, he doesn't want his dd to feel that you have superceded her mother, taken her place. he probably feels that he is between a rock and a hard place - that he just doesn't know how to fulfill everyones' needs so he is erring on the side of caution - trying to keep his dd happy firstly and foremostly, because his responsibility to her is greater than his responsibility to you, the adult (as is yours to your dd). yet he doesn't want to alienate you either so he says "i'll deal with it later" etc. but he may be forgetting that he loves you, and his happiness is important to his dd, whether she realises it at this stage in her life or not. and he, with you, needs to find a way around this.

maybe some of the previous posters are right...could the two of you (the adults) try some family counselling? ime often this is left till a last resort, but actually getting someone to mediate so you can each express, and listen to, each others concerns can be a lifesaver, and all of a sudden everything can become much clearer when you both actually understand what the problem is - possibly you both have exactly the same fears!

Step daughter is responsible for her own actions, but her behaviour is backed up by her father and has been from the start. Teenagers are very self centred, she hasn't looked at the problem from the point of view of DD2 and no one has made her. According to step daughter they are living in the family home the way they always have and her father has brought in Lins who she is happy to have driving her around, washing and cooking etc but she won't even admit to having a relationship-she is someone her father has married! Lins isn't allowed to discipline her or have any say in what goes on. DD2 isn't seen as a sister, or anything other than a nuisance she has to put up with. Her father has let her get away wth this. The picture should have been moved to a bedroom at the very start. It would have been much better to have moved house but as they didn't there should have been huge changes for Lins to put her stamp on the house.
Since Lins isn't allowed to tell her step daughter any of this and the step daughter knows her father won't back Lins up it is up to DH to set the changes. He is weak IMO-has taken the easy way out and continues to do so. Step children can play off one against the other and the sure thing is that Lins is the loser-every single time.
You have to make changes. My DS1has a picture of his father in his own bedroom-we don't have it over the mantlepiece in the main living room-it wouldn't be fair to DH2 and DS2 and 3.

Welcome Lin. You have had good advice here, I think. You and DH need to talk seriously and see if you can present a united front, as everyone has said. Good luck, change is hard. And maybe your DH doesn't want to change.

I agree with fourkidsmum-your DH feels his responsibility is with his first 2 DCs, especially since he has had to deal with their mother dying, and he is very protective. Unfortunately he is failing to see the harm it is doing to his step daughter and his DD3-not to mention Lins. I think outside counselling might be an idea -for the whole family.

I agree it is worth remembering that teenagers can be dreadful to live with. They are selfish and they say stupid things sometimes.

Your husband may well be frightened of the consequences of dealing with his daughter, and men can often be afraid of change, BUT it is time for change Lins.

Quite simply, life is just too short.

Good luck, stay strong.

stepdaughter sounds like she seriously needs some therapy here, but what great advice from these ladies I really hope you get this sorted out, your dh needs to take his kids in hand and sort them out. I too am a stepmum and a mum and am very thankful that dh is working with me, which is what yours seriously needs to do (but you know this already) {{{Hugs}}} stay strong and get this sorted.

Ok,let me tell you guys what happened.

Yesterday morning me and DD1 went to town to pick up the new furniture set and some picture frames.
We arranged the salon,took the portrait down and hung a nice enlarged family picture,I also out some of DD1's old baby pics around as there were none in the house-just the ones of DSC and DD2.

So hubby came home and really liked it and agreed that it looks much more homey and present family-like.

But when DSD came home she looked calm but smoke was pouring out of her ears. She asked me what made me think I can just go out and replace these things and I told her that I'm the adult,this is my home too that I've been living in for 4 years so thats what gave me the right.
DH stood by me at all times and even told her to go apologize to DD1 for what she pulled the day before.

She went in her room and I though 'Ok,she'll be mad for a while but she'll cool off.'

About an hour later I go into my bedroom and see the portrait hung above my bed!
I go to DSD's room furious and she's smiling sweetly 'You're right,the living room wasn't the right spot for it'.
I go to tell DH and he's also furious and they have a fight in which she called me and DD1 'The Trashy duet'.

When I made dinner that night she didn't come down for it. After dinner my husband left for a business trip for a week.

DSD left the house at around 8 p.m. I asked where she's going and she ignored me and just left the house,there was just no way of stopping her and came back this morning!

I don't know how I'm going to survive this week alone with her!
I dread every second of it and I just want to run away somewhere.

When my husband gets back me and DD1 are going of for a week,we're going to the country to my moms just the two of us because I need a break.

I hope this doesn't sound wrong but I need to be away from her for a while.

It doesn't sound wrong at all! It sounds like some kind of living nightmare.

You could play it two ways this week, either take a massive step back and do not do any parenting at all, (after all her father is quite happy for her to be out till all hours) and wait untill you have had your break before sorting it all out. Or you could try and use the time to build a few bridges with her and be the strong one. For me, personally, I would almost certainly do the first in your situation.

When you go away is there any way you could take dd2 with you as well? If you all left it would give your dh and the sc and idea of what the realities of life without you would be like.

Good luck this week. Please keep posting and fwiw you sound like an amazingly patient woman.

I agree that your husband is weak and confused. He seems to see defending YOU and insisting his children behave in a civilise manner as a betrayal of his late wife.

He needs to be made understand in no uncertain terms that this is utter bullshit. If the step-children's mother were alive I'm sure she'd be sad to see her daughter 1) jeopardising her chance of a new secure family unit 2) being pointlessly nasty to you and your daughter and 3) clearly unhappy herself in a way that hasn't been resolved.

Your husband needs to be on your side, and if he's not, then I think you should leave and take your daughters with you, as it's not fair on YOUR dd1 to be brought up being made to feel like a second class citizen and deliberately excluded at HOME. If she gets this at HOME she won't have the confidence to bravely go out there in the wider world, so to speak.

UNLIKE some of the other posters though, I do think the step daughter is responsible and to blame at least partly for her own nasty behaviour. I'd ask her what she's trying to achieve? Would she like you to wave a magic wand and magic her mother back?? sorry if that's a blunt thing to say to a 15 yr old, but nobody can ever do that and she's wasting years, and ruining lives behaving as though it were in your control.

So ask her, what does she want? for you and your dds to go and leave them to it!?!? That'd be great wouldn't it, her father would be upset and feel torn, she MIGHT even feel guilty and bad about herself as time went by, and there'd STILL be no guarantee that she'd hate the next step-mother any less.

At 15, I believe she is old enough to have a few home truths delivered to her fairly bluntly.

I think this is a family crisis. It is good that he stood up for you but you are now left in an impossible situation. You need to sit down when she gets back in and get things straight with her-i.e she is a child and you are in charge.
I would tell her that you need a working arrangement and both of you write down things that need to be discussed and work through them. Try to reach a compromise. Unfortunately she seems to have the ability to be deeply unpleasant.
Where are the DD3 and step son in all this?

oh, poor poor you

but good things are happening aren't they? you have made a stand, and dh has agreed with you. he liked the new room and the new picture, and he stood up for you and your dd.

it is very unfortunate that he has to be away this week though maybe you can come to an agreement over the phone with him about how you should handle dsd while he is away? whether you should try to check her behaviour or just let her do her thing?

she sounds like a really confused teenager, which doesn't help you to warm to her or deal with her, but if you can see it like that it might help the two of you to have a better relationship when she is older and grows out of it. don't be too upset that she called you and dd names - after all, you knew she felt like that about you. the thing that matters is that dh has put his foot down. and that he continues to do so. hopefully he will see that the way things are at present isn't making his dd happy (as well as not making anyone esle happy!), so it is time to have a go at doing things differently, with new rules - even if it feels a bit counter-intuitive to him at first.

if i may be so bold, as well as escaping to your mom's for a bit and spending some quality time with dd, would it be possible for dd to go to your mom's, and dscs to go to a relative so you and dh can spend some time together and build yourselves up a strong united front? you know, spend some time recalling why you are together, and how good you are together, and how you can overcome anything as long as you overcome it together?

Hello fourkidsmum, how are you? It's nice to 'see' you.

I would go with Liffey's approach and ask what she is hoping to achieve-try to get through the barriers. If she wants you out of her life ask her if it is fair to deprive a 2 yr old of a father?

hi slightlycrumpled

i was just about post to the op "listen to slightlycrumpled - she is always full of wisdom"!

and wanted to say there are some really grounded posts on here from people

dittany you are so right! He is the common ground, and actually the only one that can start to change things. I'm afraid, (and I'm being brave as I've had a gin and tonic!) if it were me I would be insisting that he had stayed at home at such a crisis in your lives. I hope the business reason is extremely serious and that he isn't just escaping.

Real sorry you're going through this. I can't believe that after what's gone on he's left you alone for a week to deal with HIS daughter.

Personally I'd be issuing unltimatums and acting on them

Nothing to add to the plentiful and excellent advice here, except the addendum: please remember that it is not your role to be liked by your children or step-children. Their friends can do that. Only you and dh can be parents to them though.