Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

just to add my 2nd paragraph which didn't come across very well due to extreme tiredness!

DH took control over nipping situations in the but with SC in the early days when we were all getting to know each other. Simple stuff like clearing plates, making an effort with conversation etc. After a while it came naturally that they would always be respectful even if were would never be best buddy pals. I would have loved to bond like a Mother figure to them but distance prevented us from getting really close.
However respect is the key here and your DH has massively let you down on this level...

You seem to have had some really good advice since I posted. Insisting on a house move would be a great first step but unfortunately it is probably not the time to do it in the present economic climate. Your DH is the one at fault, I would suggest writing a letter to him as a start. If he won't do counselling you could start with you and DD. It strikes me that your DD1 is the person getting the worst of it and you owe it to her to sort it out. The big portrait needs to go to a step DC's bedroom.At the age they are I would stop washing, cooking etc for step DCs unless they treat you with respect and as a member of the family.

Thank you everyone!
I have been running the Nice policy for 4 years know ( even more) because I wanted them to like me.

I just felt like stepping to their territoty because they acted that way and maybe it's true.
But it's my home now too and I think I'm done with playing nice.

They treat me like worse than they treat their dog honestly.
But I need to talk to DH before it as they think they can do anything to em as long as they have their dad wrapped around their finger.

P.S. Again,I don't know who asked but my daughter goes to public school and his kids go to a private one,but thats more because we didn't want DD1 to change schools after we were married.

Good luck. Your nice policy hasn't worked so it is time for a change.

Lins, are you in the States? Because in the UK, private education is referred to as independent/private/public and what the US calls 'public' is called State education.

Just thought I'd ask because if you are based in the US, you are saying your step children are the only ones at private school?

Sorry if I'm being confusing here

Lins75, you've had a lot of great advice here. The two which click best for me are to seek counseling with DH and to stop doing for them. At their age, the kitchen could be stocked with inexpensive things they can make for themselves, sandwich meat, bread, peanut butter, jam, fruit, baby carrots and celery. (Not expensive freezer convienance or prepared foods!)

And they can get themselves up, off to school and activities without your help. You brought you DD into this world. She is your first priority. It would be nice if they had all decided to pull together, but, they are to self-involved with their pain to see what a resource they have in you. So, let them begin to understand that.

MY DD rallied against my DH for the first two years. We simply didn't allow it. A few years ago, she said DH was "the best father in the world and she was so grateful that he stayed with her and forgave her and loved her." It can work out.

I don't have much advice re teenagers, but I do know that if my teenage daughter wanted to stroll in at 4am, she would find the doors locked!

For the safety of the whole family, I would tell her that the doors would be locked at x o'clock & that if she wants to be in the house that night, she will be home before that!

Just thought I'd post as someone who had to be in a step-daughterish position at that age. They weren't married, but did live together; we were there for the holidays. I was an absolute nightmare when it came to any discipline that wasn't from my dad. My dad also supported me completely and said we came first. Bearing in mind this was a long term relationship, but not a marriage, and there were no further children, only the ones they brought from the marriages, I appreciate there are differences.. but... I would say that nothing the lady did would have changed my behaviour; only a change in my dad's attitude towards us would have made a difference and he wasn't prepared to do that.

My sympathies as its a horrible position to be in. Teenage girls can be really, really horrid so if I were you I wouldn't try too hard as its unlikely to make a difference and they are going to try and hurt you as much as they can, I'm afraid. May not be your fault but its not easy seeing your dad with someone else (in our case she/their relationship had split up the marriage to my mum).

Forgeot to add...

Where is she until 4am?
How does she get home?
Isn't her school work suffering?

If a parent [her father] can go to bed while his 15 yr old is out to all hours, I am sorry but it doesn't sound like he cares v much! Boundaries aren't just about discipline, but about protecting your children from harm. What would he do if she doesn't come home at all?

Sounds like she is calling out to be pulled into line if you ask me!

I think he sounds too soft, even if he doesn't support you, he should be worried about a 15 yr old being out until 4am. It is unfortunate that the whole thing hinges on him and yet he doesn't think there is a problem. He needs help from outside the family.

you dh is clearly a tosser , who doesn't care for you in the lsightest.

you are comming across as a weak hard done to spineless wimp. are you?

if you are, lady you need to change.

in your situation quite frankyl i would be saying either we do x

or i'm leaving.

i couldn't see one of my children being treated that way.

i would suggest the non negotiation of

a) moving to neutral ground, your house.
b) schooling - your dd goes private when she moves up a school
c) you make rules, he backs you up, as the main care giver you make the rules, he backs you up. he should know you better than to ever suspect that you would be unfair.

he doens't value you or respect you by treating you like this.

the children ae horrid

whilst councelling might be one option do not let it be the option

the only option is to move - no arguments, for the sake of your marriage - do it despite the market - its house money or marriage.

if you let yourself be walked on - you will be.

i look forward to hearing how you are tackling things.

I think that Custardo is speaking a lot of sense-it is a new year and time for change. It is a pity that you didn't resolve it all before you moved in but I wouldn't drift on for more of the same. The older ones will be leaving home before too long but they will be around for a long time. Your DD1 is getting a very raw deal and needs protecting. She is the only one that is not the biological DD of your DH, but he must treat her the same; you can't have 4 DCs in the house and one of them is some sort of poor relation (almost like the Cinderella story!!).
I would lay down what you want to happen and make your DH make changes-or leave.Maybe your DH just needs to be shocked out of his complacency.

I have to say my first instinct would be
This changes or I'm outta here.
Intact given he's poo pooed attempts thus far I think you'll need to shock the living shit out of them to be honest.
Behave like a doormat and they'll wipe their feet on you.
We are a step family and ds1 (my son) is 14 and DP and I have to be as one or it's divide and conquer. Being firm and fair goes miles.
Toughen up chick x x

oh my god where do u live we should meet up we r so in the same boat and have no paddles
hugs to you huni

If you and your dh can agree on some things, then maybe you could try holding house/family meetings. All the kinds (except little dd) are old enough to discuss and agree rules (and forfeits etc.). Then at least things can be aired, and people feel listened to and respected (including you!).

I have been a sd - and there's no easy life I'm afraid. But we children did get on pretty well together (17, 15, 13 and 12). I think it's because we used to discuss things as a group - sometimes with parents, sometimes not.

It may have helped that there were 2 children from each family. Maybe if all the children did more stuff together they'd form a better relationship? That would then make your life easier if you didn't have to referee everything?

Oh maybe the other thing that helped is that our parents told us to draw up a housework rota for washing up, drying, hoovering etc. Strangely, they were not to be on it.....

But it did get us to negotiate with each other

Well said Custy - Spot on

OP what are you going to do now?

DSD had two of her friends over last night.
The three of them and DSS were on DSD's bedroom balcony laughing and goofing around,my DD was downstairs on the patio alone as per usual and I was in the house.
DD suddenly runs inside crying and goes upstairs in her bedroom.
I just KNOW they did/said something to her.

I go to DSDs room and ask 'K what happened to R?' She said 'How should I know,your daughter is your business' and smiles 'sweetly'.

I flipped out completely! I waited till her friends were gone and then barged inside with the the entire load of her clothes that needed to be washed and threw it on to her bed.I told her that apparently I'm not her family and I don't get paid for what I do so I'm not a maid and slavery was banned long time ago.
DSD (completely calm,not even looking at me): and what,you'll pretend you have something clever to do with your life?

My husband found me crying when he came from work and I told him he better have his kids straighten their act or me and my kids are leaving. I did it once before and never came back (former marriage).

He seemed really understanding and sweet about it but then said 'She'll definitely be told off for this incident' For pete's sake it's not about this incident,it's about their whole behavior!!!
And I don't want him to tell her off I want it to be both of us!

I told him that and he said we'll work on it later!
I'm sooo mad right now,I can't even look at any of them.I didn't join them at breakfast and I didn't see my husband to work,I only saw DD to school.

P.S. Again,don't know who asked,sorry,but she stays out till all hours,she goes to parties or maybe clubs or such things and is usually usually brought home by some of her friends with car or her boyfriend.
I do NOT agree with this at all!
Also,another thing someone asked,I live in US.

Lins75, I feel awful for you and completely understand because I too have unpleasant SC. However, you MUST take responsibility for your actions. Don't just get mad and cry. Take action. You are letting them walk all over you (and your DD1). Just stop doing for them. And stop worrying about whether they stay out all night. Not your problem. You should set rules and boundaries for your dd's and make it clear to them that just because the others are behaving differently doesn't mean they will be allowed to. Tell your dd1 and your sc that your dd1 is no longer allowed to play with them (ignore that fact that they never let her do so in the first place) because you don't approve of their lifestyle. I suspect that if they are told they aren't good enough for your dd, they might just change their attitude.
And most of all, if you can't find a happy place for yourself in this home, then go. You must take charge of your ability to do something about your situation. You have made more than enough attempts to communicate with your dh and at some point it's not fair to either you or your dd's to stay. Your daughters will end up growing up believing that it's ok to let other people treat them that way, which is a horrible thing to teach a girl. And they will know that you could have left but didn't. My dh grew up in a violent alcoholic household where his dad beat his mum and all the children. This was the NE of England in the 60's and there was no way for his mum to leave and no place for her to go, but dh still blames her for not protecting them.
Good luck. I'm sure it's not easy.

I'm sorry,this is probably nothing but meaningless ranting to you guys now.But all the hopes I had reading everyones posts and all the plans I made with the help of your advice just went completely down the drain.

I have never been treated in such a way,let alone from someone who I share a life with...and I am totally lost now on what to do to knock some sense into my hubby and that arrogant little....

Jesus Lins she is vile!

I am so on your behalf. I honestly don't know what to say except I would run a mile if I were you. You poor thing.

and your poor DD - this must be messing her up big time. She will have huge self esteem issues if this continues...

Thank you Sofia. It's like your worst nightmare coming true. My daughter is unhappy and I feel guilty every day more and more...

Lins75, could you tell your husband that you need to make changes as a couple and now or if by such a date things have not improved you are walking?

Also carry thro the not doing anything for your SC, see how long their bravado lasts, and see how much your husband puts up with when he is the one who is actually doing the parenting.

I know CrushWithEyeliner! This is a totally bad envionment for my poor DD.

Ironic,isn't it? She had it better in a one parent household with a mom who is struggling than she has it in a HUGE house with a stepdad who can afford anything for her...