Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

[Lins75]

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

Fizzy- you mean like giving him a deadline? That is a good idea but if I'm gonna be totally honest with you I am scared of a divorce.
I've been through it and I don't want again.

I divorced DD1s dad when she was 3 and was raising her all by myself and it was just hard for me. I am scared that if I walk out I won't be back because thats what happened the first time.

Lin75 - My father always said, "Your serenity is in the hands of the next fool who makes you angry." He meant refusing to allow other folks to get under your skin. That when you allow someone to take your happiness that you have given them power. It is important to hold onto some sense of inner calm and act from a place of strength.

You don't have to "tell anyone anything." Don't tell SC you'll no longer cook for them or do their laundry. Just stop doing it. They'll figure it out soon enough. Make dinner for your H, your DD and you. Set the table for 3. Don't announce dinner is ready. Go get your DD and sit down and eat. If DH asks why you haven't got his kids - smile sweetly and say, "Oh, do you you think they are ready to be part of a family?" or "Oh, they only listen to you. Better go get them." And get to eating.

Your SD obviously knows how this game is played. She's been playing it on you the whole four years. Smiling sweetly, staying calm and saying some wretched thing that is hard to pin down later.

As to H, he hasn't gotten it and he won't get it until you start to change yourself. Stop asking for permission to do things. I take it you are a SAHM. After the lot are off to school one day, get yourself to a Home Depot, buy some paint and have at that living room. Take the damn pictures and painting off the walls; box them up; push the furniture to the middle of the room and start rolling away on those walls. I don't know how your finances work - but surely you could afford a couple of gallons of paint?

If anyone has anything to say about it, just smile sweetly and say, "Just trying to make it cozy and wonderful for all of us. Isn't it great?" Better yet, keep DD home from school and paint it together.

You don't have to get angry or cry. You just have to decide that you've had enough of paralyzing negative emotions. Hold on to the dream you want to become real. And get busy with making it happen. I wish you luck.

BTW - I'm now in the US also.

Thanks Mrs Jammiloves. I learned how to practice it better from DH. My DD was terrible to him when we first got together. All of her awful behaviour got absolutely zero energy in return. She could be screaming and throwing things and he'd just sit typing away on his computer. (He and my Dad are very similar.) The message he sent was "I'm choosing to make a family with you. If you don't want it, then you don't have to have it."

For some reason, it always works. (DD is now 22 and working through some issues) When she tried being awful over the summer, we just shut her off. No phone calls, no money, nothing. (And luckily, I got my folks in on the behaviour modification scene this time also.) She straightened herself right up and got herself back on track. Took about 2 months.

Long story short - sometimes no energy is the best energy you can give someone.

And may I suggest one other change Lin75? Next time SD does something awful, stay with DD, be with her, or offer to do something together. Don't confront SD, you're giving energy (rewarding) bad behaviour and taking energy away (punishing) good behaviour. Same with H, give him lots and lots of good energy right now. Help him remember why he married you. Show him why you are the one he needs to be focused on. Invest your time and energy in the people you really get something good out of having a relationship with.

wow poet mum u r so right thank you so much .
Sorry for crashing Lin75 we r both here right now my H and DSD have till the end of Jan to change but like poet mum says only you can make you happy if they dont want to join in then dont sweat it they are the ones missing out .Right~? keep your chin up move house TAKE THE PICTURES DOWN.{TRUST ME ON THIS PUT THEM IN DSC ROOMS} We had funarel anouncements in frame wedding pics the lot .keep ure chin up hun and hugs to you .

I agree Dittany, that ultimately H needs to face up to reality. I'm just saying, she's tried that. He can't or won't see it. So, now it's time for her to get focused on the relationships which will be most meaningful in the long term. DD will always be part of her life. Hopefully, H will be also. But, likely not if the SC keep her racing around emotionally.

The SC will be on their way in 3 or so years. After university, she is under no obligation whatsoever to have them back. So, why waste energy. I'm not saying be abusive or mean. I'm just saying, be done. they are old enough to cook their own meals, do their own laundry and get themselves from one place to another. She's devoted 4 years to this Cinderella story. Time to choose a different character.

And that character's name is Lin75.

Why don't you take your daughter and leave?

i agree with dittany - its all about him.

thing is - you don't have to make the decision to leave ...then leave the smart thing is to plan for it and this can be done simltanious to trying to get your dh's arse in gear

so whilst working on marriage and relationships in the house

be financially aware - squirral stuff away - whats the law over there if you divorce - how much would you get - if you don't know - find out.

make sure you have access to his money - plan the right time to go - maybe give it to the summer break when dd wouldnt have to be upset in school.

seriously girl get those dollars where you can - extra at shopping or just buy a new dress - then take it back - draw some out here and there - for running the house - that you know you could do well without.

do you work? if not use the time to upskill using the money while you have it - get qualifications now whilst you are in a position to do so.

i'd take the picture down - like now.

I'm not sure it's a v. good idea to split the family either. I wouldn't do the laundry etc., for them, but then again, I wouldn't do the laundry for my own teenager either. I wouldn't exclude them from family activities like dinner though, that strikes me as very petty and confrontational and I'm not sure fighting fire with fire is the grown up thing to do in any family situation, step or otherwise. I agree with Dittany, it's not the SC's you should be blaming and getting angry with, it's your DH. They are taking their cues from him, he is giving them permission to treat you with no respect and I also agree with Custy, you're coming across as a bit of a wuss. I think maybe at the core of this is your insecurity about your DH - if you're scared of divorcing him, or scared about his commitment to you, then you are going to come across as needy and insecure and that is an invitation to be treated like a doormat. You need to be far more assertive about your right to be in your home and have the respect due to you as the other equal adult in the house. I'm not sure that can be acheived by stooping to the level of the children.

Sorry, bit rambling.

nkf - because I don't want to leave. I don't want to get a divorce,I don't want to hide money,I don't want to give up.Not yet.

I want separation to be the last option on the list.

I'm taking the darned portrait off tomorrow and replacing it while they're out of the house,I'm also gonna take DD and go buy some new furniture and house bits I like.And I'm only gonna consult to DH,not the kids.

The I'll see their reaction and how to move on from there.

Lins75, I have no useful advice to give but read your thread and couldn't not post - these ladies are all giving you excellent advice. Good luck!
xxx

Lins I want you to make your H and SC realise this is make or break.

Have you talked this out with your DD? How does she truly feel inside about being treated like something on the bottom of your SC shoes? What is it doing to her self esteem?

She must be totally messed up - I feel for her so much.....

Oh btw moving in a downturn is fine as long as you are not downshifting. If you are buying a house of the same value or higher, it won't make any difference to how much it will cost you long term. The only difference it makes is in terms of availability of credit and/ or supply of houses. But I agree that moving would be a Good Thing - symbolic and actual - you would not be an interloper in their space, this would be YOUR home, with no memories of their mother.

Have you read Other People's Children by Joanna Trollope? As soon as I read your post, I thought of that book - I think you'd nod in recognition if you read it. Not much help to you, but at least it's a good read.

I can see a lot of sense in what poetmum says but I don't think that I would treat step children like that, if your ultimate aim is to stay and be a happy family. In a way it isn't their fault, their father has let them get away with the behaviour for 4 years, possibly compensating for the death of the mother.
The DH is the one who needs to be tackled because he is the one who can change things. I would actually write down all the things that you are unhappy with, and make him sit down and resolve them. It was possible to have 2 families under one roof, but not once you had the joint DD, it now means that you have 4 DCs with equal rights.
My DH asked me to attach one of my photos to his email today, I idly read it and it said I am sending a photo of my 3 sons x,y and z-it didn't say I am sending a photo of my 2 sons and my step son. Your DH should realise he now has one son and three daughters.
If you get him to take notice then I would have a meeting with the eldest two and make it quite plain that there are to be changes. The first is that you are not 'someone their father married'-how rude! If they can't bring themselves to say step mother they are to introduce you as Lins. Your DD1 is their step sister, part of their family and not to be referred to as your daughter. I would go through anything else you want to bring up but it is essential that your DH backs you up.

Oh Lins, what a nightmare for you.

Whilst it is ultimately up to your husband to sort things out with the children you simply cannot go on being this miserable or so badly treated. They are old enough to understand the emotional consequences their behaviour is having on you.

Obviously seperation is the last resort, but don't leave it untill your love for your dh has been killed by his ability to ignore what is going on. Sometimes ime a short sharp shock is in order.

It is true that in a few years they will be out of the house and off to university etc, but they will never be out of your lives, and this really needs resolving.

I really, really hope this gets sorted out for all of your sakes.

I've just come back to this - so sorry to hear you had that run in with Tallulah and I hope things are a bit better now. I'd echo the other posts and say that you now need even more to sit down with your dh, lay your cards on the table and ask him if he wants you to stay or whether he wants you to go.

If he wants you to stay, then you need to present him with a list of things that have to change, and the 2 of you need to decide how you will achieve them. Then you need to call a family meeting and tell the children what you've both decided, and that it is non-negotiable.

I'd suggest that you really need to do something now. I hate to say it, but they might NOT go to University and they might not leave in a few years. It sounds as if you have a very affluent and comfortable lifestyle - what is there to leave from their point of view?

Whilst a separation must be the last thing you want, I really wonder what it is you prefer to your previous life? Is it the lifestyle? The security? The status? You're being treated appallingly here and it is up to you to say enough is enough - one way or another.

you are putting your dh before your dd
that is not right.
you have a responsilbilty to not let this happen to her, and if your dh cannot change then you need to leave.

I just want to be clear. I'm not advocating that Lin75 be mean or cruel to the SC. I'm advocating a withdrawal of active energy. It's very hard to explain and make sense on a computer. It is an inner balance sort of thing.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck tomorrow Lin75. Sounds like you are committed to working things through. I trust you'll find your way.

Good luck-do let us know how you get on today.

Lins75 hi

I feel so bad for you and wanted to say so, even though i may not be able to offer any constructive advice.

the two rather diverse thoughts i have are these...firstly it seems a shame to have to parent the family as two seperate ones - it's sad that you aren't able to have a situation where, because you respect each other and each others'opinions, you can both say "i am a better parent with you than i am alone" ie when we combine our wisdom we do it better!!" i wonder if you could maybe say something like that to dh? you know, not "i think you are doing it wrong" but "two heads are better than one...i know i value your opinions on the parenting of dd!! presumably you also value mine on the parenting of dsc?"

secondly, and i am sorry for this because it might sound harsh i grew up for my teenage years in a house in which i felt like the outsider living in someone else's home - and my step siblings didn't even live there full time! the story is long and boring, but the main point of it is that my mother in effect chose my step father over me - not for unpleasant reasons...she valued the security, didn't want to be divorced again, and in fact didn't even like him much herself really! i mean i was unhappy, and selfish as it sounds, i thought she should have left him because neither of us was happy and i should have been her priority. then i went off the rails a little (remembered with a little horror and some glee!!).
now i am a step-mum, and i am lucky - obviusly we have hiccups, but we all get on well and are all happy. BUT, if my dcs were in the situation i was in as a child, i would leave if i couldn't mend it, even though it would break my heart because i love dp to absolute bits. because i still think my mother should have protected me. i think she did a bad job of parenting pretty much based on that one aspect of my life. and over two decades later i can't forgive her. mostly you only get one (long) chance at being a good mum!

oh, and a third thing, i think the picture goes up to one of the dsc's rooms!

sorry, i re-read that and it sounds a bit rough what i meant was, you entitled your post "Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter" and all i really wanted to say was that my mother did lose me, and therefore to some extent, when they came along, her grandchildren and someone to care for her as she gets older, for similar reasons. i sort of wish it wasn't that way, but there is no going back...no way to make up for those years

I can't handle her anymore...seriously,is there a stepchildren's exchange program somewhere?
Cause I really can't do this anymore.

The remodeling was a disaster,the removal of the picture was a disaster and I seriously had enough of her now.

Sorry,guys I'm being a little criptic now...