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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Losing my daughter because of my stepdaughter *loooooong*

190 replies

Lins75 · 01/01/2009 16:30

Hi everyone,this is my first post here.
I have two daughters,one 13 year old from my previous marriage and one 2 year old from my current one.

My husband was a widower with two kids of his own,15 year old daughter and 17 year old son.

We've been married for 4 years and I just don't think I can take it anymore.

Let me explain:
We are like two different families living under the same roof and the only bondage here is my DD2.
His daughter doesn't like me at all,everyone loves her because she is a pleasant,charming beautiful girl but she either completely ignores me or says things such as 'She's just someone my dad married' out loud to someone which embarrasses me very much.

She and her brother also ignore my DD1 and shut her out totally. The two of them are very close to each other and to their dad and DD1 is so lonely and sad when she sees them fooling around and laughing and acting like she isn't even there. She even mentioned moving to her dad to me because she feels like she isn't fitting in and isn't comfortable living here. It would break my heart

I do so much for DSD,I wash her clothes,her cheerleading,horse riding outfits,coom for them,cover for her when I see her coming home extremely late...
And in the end I can't even get close to her nor her room within 3 feet.

I belive my husband is way too leniant with her,she has everything including private school education and even though she gets straight A's I belive that some things he lets her are waay too much for someone who just turned 15.
But I get no say when it comes to his kids,I mean he never said it but it's pretty obvious and the few times I tried to object he just waved his hand and didn't take it in consideration at all.
And when I see DSD or DSS coming home at a.m. I have to keep my mouth shut because they will hate me with passion.I am actually scared of these two kids thank you very much,I'm ashamed for myself.

I just don't think I can take it anymore,I love them,I really do but I can't feel like a stranger in my house anymore.
There are pics of their deceased mother all over the place (me and DD1 moved in with them when we got married) and while I agree that they should be displayed the huge portrait of the four of them above the mantel (hubby,kids and their mother) is making me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LiffeyAnnaLivia · 04/01/2009 17:19

Yes, make it clear to your sd that you can handle her not liking you. Tell her you've got friends tvm, you want, you DEMAND that she show you respect and civility in your home. Her home too, so up to her, she can choose a rotten atmosphere for her, her brother and half sister to grow up in, or she can grow up ten years overnight and make the best of the life she's got.

Klaw · 04/01/2009 17:20

As a dc whose father chose the other family I would say to make sure that your own dc know that you put them first! You are the parent.

and as a parent whose ds chose to go live with his father at age 8 I know how worried you are about that. But you have to let them go in order to keep them. So I accepted ds going to live with his dad and saw him regularly. Then 5 or so years later ds decided to come back to me. He has always known that his father and I are there for him.

So, IF your dd does decide to go to her dad it's not the end of the world, it IS hard but if you don't resist it you can make it into a very positive thing. I did have huge difficulty at first with all the comments about how other people could never let their dc go to their dads but they were not in my position so I ignored them and kept telling myself i was doing the right thing and that otherwise I would just have alienated ds further.

It's tough, my thoughts are with you

Original poster
Lins75 · 04/01/2009 17:22

Dittany - he needed to go on this business trip,he needs to go on with his career.
Of course he's gonna stay in touch...

Thanks girls, I have literally spent the last hour crying and I get anxiety attacks when I think of the week ahead of me.

Anything my husband says to me over the phone she will not listen. I can't do anything apart from locking her up completely which naturally isn't an option.
She ingores me,she doesn't even look at me....Talking to her and breaking the barrier sounds amazing but she doesn't want to say a word to me.
I don't know how to make her listen,she has now locked her bedroom door.
She has an incredibly calm manner,I can yell at her all I want but she will not budge.

Fourkidsmum - I'll definitely suggest to DH that we go on a trip, it's been ages since it's been ujsut the two of us without family drama and everyday stress...

OP posts:
LiffeyAnnaLivia · 04/01/2009 17:24

Lins75. Play her game, but play it better. Ignore her. Let her fucking laundry pile up. GIve her beans on toast everynight for a week. Don't look at her, don't hear her, don't pay any attention to her.

Sorry if that sounds immature to the rest ofyou, but Linz sounds like she's at the end of her tether and this is a game to her SD.

Linz, look after yourself and your dds this week.

Ex

LiffeyAnnaLivia · 04/01/2009 17:26

Get through this week and then crisis talks with your husband??

Your SD sounds extremely unhappy, but that isn't your fault, and you can't fix it. She's making her life worse not better and she's taking you down with her.

LittleBella · 04/01/2009 17:26

I agree with Dittany unless this trip was a career make or break, he really should have cancelled, this is serious. It's serious because it sounds like the first real step you've taken to move the household to one of being a blended family rather than 2 separate families. It's an enormous challenge to a 15 year old self-righteous and still-grieving teenager - of course she went ballistic, it's exactly what you'd expect with hindsight.

You simply can't deal with this alone - you need him to sort it out and to stand up and say "this is how this domestic unit will work, get used to it". Someone mentioned that the DH might feel it's disloyal to the dead wife to blend the families properly and insist on some respect for you, but this child (unpleasant though her behaviour is) may also be deep-down feeling that she can't "betray" her mother by accepting anyone else - it's not exactly unknown. Her aggressive action in putting the picture in your room is telling you in no uncertain terms, that she is not going to allow you to usurp her mother's place and that that household is going to live with her mother's presence by hell or high water - and that you ahve to accept that. So the way to go is to find out how you can allow her to still live with her mother's presence without having it inappropriately foisted on you or dominating your household (which is what this now is). Sorry bad choice of words but am kind of thinking aloud here. That bloody photo has obviously had some kind of symbolism. (Blimey did it need to go, whatever the reaction from her has been, you really needed to do it, so don't take from it that it has been a disaster, it has just got a lot of shit out into the open that needs to be dealt with that's all, that's not a disaster.)

slightlycrumpled · 04/01/2009 17:28

Lins, maybe don't even try to break down the barriers this week. Your right you can't force her to stay in or abide by the rules. Just ride it out or you will make yourself ill.

A child free trip for you and DH may be great for you.

For this week maybe do not think any further ahead than your dh coming home. Do whatever you need to just to get through the week.

dittany · 04/01/2009 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lins75 · 04/01/2009 17:30

Liffey - I have to say thats what I'm thinking of doing this week. Just letting it go...
I want a calm week,focus on my DDs and don't bother.
I'm sorry,this sounds horrible but I can't put in all this effort and just be emotionally abused by her...

If I get the chance I will try and talk to het but if she still ignores me I'm gonna just play it.

I don't know what to do if she bullies my DD1 again?

OP posts:
slightlycrumpled · 04/01/2009 17:32

If she starts on your DD1 again then just take DD1 out of the situation and make a huge fuss of her.

Have you spoken to her at all about what is going on in the household?

slightlycrumpled · 04/01/2009 17:34

Another thing.... please don't apologise. IMO nothing you have said sounds anything other than a mother/ step mother trying to do your very, very best. The very last thing you sound is horrible.

Original poster
Lins75 · 04/01/2009 17:35

He really had to go,it was a really really important trip and he couldn't have canceled it. It's his career,he's the bread winner and damn good at it.

I wouldn't say DSD is unhappy, she seems a very happy child who has everything but she's horrible to me,and only me.

She always wins,always.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 04/01/2009 17:37

I think this should have been nipped in the bud four years ago when you first moved in
Your DH should have moved the photo then, his children would accept it more coming from him.

I think he needs to start disciplining his daughter and making it clear that things need to improve.
He should arrange for the two of you ( you and stepdaughter) to do something together.
What an awful environment, esp for your dd1.

dittany · 04/01/2009 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lins75 · 04/01/2009 17:38

Thanks slightlycrumpled, DD knows whats going on and I'm gonna tell her that if DSD ever does anything to her or say anything not to be afraid to fight back.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 04/01/2009 17:42

I think you are focusing too much on the daughter, it is your husband who is waving you away when you try to have some input. No wonder she thinks she can treat you like that

piscesmoon · 04/01/2009 17:47

I think your step daughter is a very unhappy DC to behave in such an unpleasant way-she really knows how to press the buttons.
I should play her at her own game-don't do anything for her unless she comes out and asks-and then don't do it without sitting down for a proper talk.

piscesmoon · 04/01/2009 17:49

Any chance of the step son being reasonable?

LittleBella · 04/01/2009 18:10

i really don't think you can talk or think in terms of a 15 year old emotionally abusing an adult.

She is doing what she has been taught and allowed to do. You are the adult here, please remember that, please don't ascribe adult motives or ability to understand consequences to a teenager.

CrushWithEyeliner · 04/01/2009 18:11

PLEASE Don't shout at her that is giving her a massive sense of achievement.

Play her at her own game - be unpredictable, calm - totally different than you have been. Ask her what she thinks she will achieve by being so vile if pushed. Be with your DD - give her ALL your attention and focus until H gets back.

I would be talking make or break with him when he gets back. He is at least trying to back you up here so that is a good start.
Of course he can't just let this trip go, I totally understand his work commitments but on return he needs to be prepared for MAJOR fall out.

I hope you put the portrait away out of sight until tis is resolved for good.

remember your DD, remember your DD she is all that matters right now.

CrushWithEyeliner · 04/01/2009 18:12

Do you have children with your DH?

LiffeyAnnaLivia · 04/01/2009 18:17

Linz, I'd say being horrible to linz is your SD's coping strategy. She sounds confident and assertive definitely. She deals with her unhappyness by compartmentalising it and her VALVE if you like, is being obnoxious to you.

poetmum · 04/01/2009 18:42

Crush is absolutely right. When her behaviour gets you to shout, she wins. That's why you feel she is always winning. Focus on your DD.

Since you are in The States, I had another thought. You and DH could discuss sending her to a theraputic boarding school. She clearly needs to resolve her issues about her mother. One of my daughter's friends was sent to one in Maine. They turned her around nicely. I think it was this one: www.hyde.edu

Maybe, DH could say, "I'm worried about your behaviour. If I don't see some improvement, we will get you the help you need by sending you to this school." And give her the brochure.

poetmum · 04/01/2009 18:46

Here is a link about theraputic boarding schools.

www.nationalyouth.com/therapeuticboardingschool.html

poetmum · 04/01/2009 18:51

The schools actually work with the whole family. They provide counseling at breaks and do workshops. So, it isn't just SD who would get help. Everyone would be involved. My DD's friends mother was very excited how both she and her ExH were able to get help and learn to parent together.

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