Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

It sounds as if your DD is doing just fine and I wouldn't expect her to do any more chores around the house than she's already doing, especially as she's studying A Levels.

Presumably, she'll be out of the house at university in two years, so the dynamic should change by then. If you feel that this man is worth keeping in your life, then rather than kick your DP out of the house over this, I'd read him a riot act about it. That he's to say nothing to you or our DD in terms of how she's spending her time (unless for some reason it is genuinely adversely affecting him or his DD). And if he does, then you're going to ask him to find alternative accomodation until your DD goes off to university. And tell him that that decision is not up for negotiation -- that you will act on it should he not keep to his end of the bargain. That puts the onus on him to change his behaviour without you having to psychoanalyse why he's doing it or have daily confrontations with him over it. But it also means that you really have to be prepared to act on it should he not be able to stop his criticism of your DD. As for him having nowhere else to live, tough shit. He's an adult earning a wage and can find somewhere nearby for 2 years for him to live. If he's contributing to household expenses and/or mortgage, let him stop it for this period. You can continue your relationship in any way you feel is appropriate, but keeping your house for you and your DD until she is successfully launched at university.

She will absolutely feel his antipathy even if she doesn't articulate it to you (or even herself).

He's a prick OP - no need to examine why, or how you can intervene to stop him being one, because that will never change his fundamental prickness.

Just kick him out now for the sake of your relationship with your DD. Because I can absolutely guarantee that as she matures she will start being able to articulate to herself 'my mum let a man who wished me ill live in my home. She didn't protect me - she put him before me.'

@Dontknowhowtofeelx

i was the mum like you, what I didn’t realise was that he was also basically being a bully to my sons. The eldest was more of his target. However I was told this after he left.
Everyhing in your first post struck me as my life 15 years ago he would also complain calling them lazy etc. They did well at school homework always done attendance 100%

If you do not get shot of this “man” you will regret it, he is going to push your daughter away/out. Like a cuckoo pushes the other young out for their own.

Your daughter at the moment is probably unhappy, but I hope she isn’t. She may not want to tell you how she feels because she may think it will upset you make you unhappy. I know you think that’s silly but it can sometimes be the reality.

I suspect that others in your friends family have witnessed his behaviour maybe they have said something or they are just waiting.

Get rid of this fucking loser. Let’s see how he copes on his own having to look after himself. Disney dad says everything about his personality I’m afraid.

You’re whining and wringing your hands as if the fates have bestowed some kind of unendurable, unending dilemma upon you.

You chose this.

You continue to choose this.

Your daughter sees you allowing this man to bully her - and it is bullying, because he’s forcing her to do unnecessary work simply because she is in his presence and he seems to think women are his skivvies.

You moved this man into your daughter’s home- a house you own - and you’ve let him become the boss of both of you even though you don’t even seem to like him.

Nobody is saying teenagers shouldn’t contribute to the household by doing their fair share of chores. That doesn’t mean that Charlie Big Potatoes gets to make up jobs for her just so he gets to be in charge. If he wants sofa covers washing, penis ownership does not prevent him from operating the washing machine himself.

On the plus side, it sounds like your daughter is intelligent and ambitious, and I hope she is able to make her way independently in life despite having wet lettuce behaviour modelled to her. It’s very sad that she has already picked up on the need to appease controlling men by doing as she’s told.

There is no compromise, you don't need to house this boyfriend and it's damaging your child, please take in the previous replies.
Many of us have been the daughter in this situation, my mother doesn't exist to me, now I get to choose who is allowed in my life.

He gives me a set amount of money each month, it’s a third of total bills/ rent etc as he see’s that he should pay his third and I pay 2 thirds as I earn more and my DD lives here full time

OP, I think your daughter is doing quite enough anyway. She is getting near her important exams. Te best thing she can do ( and the best thing you can do for her) is to let her have time to study as much as possible.
FWIIW: my children didn’t have to do tasks at home, like most people on MN seem to think they should. The hours they spent studying were excessive already. Guess what they got brilliant exam results and have good jobs and can afford cleaners. Yes they do know household chores but they don’t need to practice all the time.
Really you need to have a serious discussion with your partner in the next few days. He needs to stop thinking that he can control what your daughter does. She was there before him. Personally I think you partner is jealous of your daughter for many reasons. Certainly he is jealous of your relationship because he won’t have the same close relationship with his daughter.
PUT YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST!

I feel for you, OP.

My DD never warmed up to DP and it made for things to be very tense at home because I was always in the middle of it since none of them would complain directly to each other. I felt absolutely drained.

The big difference though, my DD is a young adult and to be fair on DP many of his complaints were valid and things that I struggled to settle with her myself.

She ended up choosing to move out (she had been on the fence about it for a while) but if my DD was still a minor I can honestly tell you 100% that he’d be the one moving out. He’s picking on a teenager for no reason, tread carefully.

Irrelevant. He's a prick who wishes your daughter ill.

Lapines like your poor DD is feeling pushed out by this man-child and his tantrums. Get rid!

This is so sad. I hope you can look at your role in this in the future and apologise to her. It will likely take her a few yearst to realise how badly you let her down.

Sounds like he resents your daughter. Hes less than a part time dad. I'd tell him to move out.

I don't think I could live with this. I mean, he does little to contribute in your daughters life (yours?) and seems to just be fixated on her in a negative manner. Listen to him because this is him. Do you want your daughter growing up with his influence going forward? I think he may do some damage tbh, to her confidence.

Am all for kids helping, it is good for them but harping on and on and only asking one child to help out of the two is no good.

I have only really read your responses @Dontknowhowtofeelx from what you say your daughter is a fantastic young person. She doesn’t deserve this treatment and neither do you. My ExH was at times physically abusive to me. However strange as it sounds it was his constant moaning and complaining that eventually ground me down the most. Please don’t let this man continue to live with you OP.

Excuse me? Like I said my DD is a young adult and our issues were issues that were here long before DP moved in. I didn’t say in my post what the issues were.

My role was staying single until my daughter became an adult and then supporting her as best as I could into adulthood while I also started rebuilding a life for myself, which I am fully entitled to have after more than a decade focused solely on raising my child, thank you.

No way in my 20s I would feel entitled to decide for my mother what she could or couldn’t do with her personal life.

And DD is 100% entitled to come back whenever she wants.

But she won't.

Good you came here for advice OP. Clearly many posters have experienced this and have strong feelings about how wrong this is for your DD.

of course you didn’t know he was going to be like this…moaning sulking bossing around like it’s his castle being difficult and so very inconsistent with how he treats your dc bs his dc. He hid this side of himself.

sounds like it’s your house your child and your money. Wonderful. You lucky girl have the upper hand in all aspects.

I want to echo previous posters @Screamingabdabz and @cinnamonbunnies that your dd only job right now is her education. School work is very difficult and will get increasingly difficult in vet science. I lived this mantra while single and then remarried… I have no expectations of my dc except getting up and going to school and doing well. Literally generating their own ambition and initiative. It worked too because my dd is masters educated and my DS is training as a surgeon.

I keep a very tidy home as does my sister and brother. No one made me do chores but a clean organized house with meals and clean laundry was modeled for me. My DD house is spotless my DS not so much but he keeps up well enough considering his grueling schedule. No one washed sofa blankets or had an adult male giving them chores. Little tasks..shoes and backpacks away /hang up towels /beds made dishes in the dishwasher/ clothes in the hamper/ maintaining existing organizational systems put in place are steps into maintaining a home and a life as an adult.

i was around a 9 y.o who drank a sprite recently…yowza!

can he change? Will he change? Sulkers are very controlling. They tend to make you always worried about what will launch the next sulk session. Unfortunately my DH despite many good traits is a sulker. I think his emotional development was affected by hardships in his teen years. I have really had to work on having zero tolerance for sulking and yet it still waxes and wanes. Sometimes ok but sometimes he slips back into this old
coping mechanism. Your DP will regress despite hard frank talks and repercussions. For this reason I too agree…ask him to move out.

He does not sound like a catch. Why haven’t you left him? (Ie: kicked him out?)

When she grows up and leaves home, she won’t come round much if he’s there.

That’s fine as well, I wouldn’t want to waste my 20s living with my mother either. Now jog on.

Did he think moving in with a woman and teenage girl would give him a live in housekeeper and maid?

Please prioritise your dd op and protect her from this toxic arsehole.

It sounds like he expects to have to do very little in terms of chores around the house - after all he has you, the cleaner and your DD to do it all.
That attitude would wind me up. Unless he's working incredibly long hours or in a very tiring manual job that would justify him taking it easier than the other adult in the house, he should be pulling his weight equally to you.
Your 16 year old should be keeping her own space clean, great if she's doing her own laundry and some household chores when she's asked and she has free time.
It sounds as though he's sulking when you're trying to re-establish the boundaries.
Not sure I'd be able to tolerate that.

What you're 'entitled' to do and what you should do if you want your daughter to have a strong sense of security, and a deep bond with you, can be quite different things.

I will jog on - but I hope you'll think on.

It sounds like he is resentful of your DD because she lives in the house full-time, and his DD doesn’t. It really sounds like he is taking his feelings out on your DD, and I would move him out pronto as being caught in the middle must be absolutely miserable for you. He can go back to Mummy and Daddy and demonstrate how independent he is!

And what about all the things the cleaner doesn't do.
Shopping, cooking, washing up/wiping down the kitchen, laundry, tidying and sorting bits, garden, not to mention all the planning and thought behind running a house, like checking what is in the fridge, binning out of date stuff, and making a shopping list with a meal plan in mind.

Does he do anything like remotely half of this?
No, thought not.

Get him gone.