Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

Exactly this. The loyalty test always rears its ugly head eventually. Next it’ll be ‘DD is unreasonable to want to come home from uni at weekends because she needs to be independent’ and then ‘DD can’t stay in our house when she graduates because she needs to be independent and find a flat share’ etc

What is stopping you from asking him to leave? Because it’s not your problem that he has nowhere to go.

Op, I’m not sure what is the hold he has over you, but you need to do this for yourself as well as your daughter. Can you imagine if this shit takes the time away from her she needs and she doesn’t get in to vet school. That, im afraid, will be your fault. Because the root of him being there is because you won’t kick him out. If I was your daughter, im not sure I’d forgive this. I’m saying this to get you to wake the fuck up, and put your dd first.

As the old adage goes - no one falls in love as quick as a man who wants a roof over his head.

It’s your home - does he contribute his fair share financially?

Absolutely - this is a problem for him to solve after you kick his whiny, bullying arse out of your daughter's home.

She will remember that you picked him over her if you don't. That's not a paranting legacy you want.

You are fortunate that it’s your house so you can undo your biggest regret by telling him to move out. No ifs our buts, just get him out. Your daughter doesn’t need this and by the sounds of it he’s not bringing much happiness to your life. Your home and life will be a happier place without him in it.

What in gods name are you doing?
Do you really not get just how toxic and damaging this is to your child?
You have moved in a whiner who has soured your childs home.

You don't need his money and you have allowed him to become a complete bully.

Your daughter will likely not tell you the full truth, but she knows that you have put this bloody awful arse ahead of her.

Absolutely 100% unforgivable.

If you have an ounce of sense or even the smallest regard for your daughter, you will put her first finally and tell him you want him out.

No discussion whatsoever.
You have shamefully put up with him and his disgusting attitude for far too long.

Apologies if this is too harsh but I think it is so shocking when parents move in total arses who then dominate their childrens home.

How fxxking dare he complain about your daughter in her home.

Oh and just to be clear, daughters like yours go no contact with mothers like you every single day.
They grow up, move out and realise that their mothers put some loser first ahead of them.
They decide that they too will put themselves first and live their lives and only see and contact their mother on their terms.
You could find yourself a very lonely old woman because of your choices.

NO MAN IS EVER WORTH SACRIFICING YOUR CHILD FOR.

Rip off the plaster and get rid. Even without the situation with your daughter he's not adding any happiness or joy to your life.
Many people are stuck with each other due to housing and finances....you're not. And it's not your problem that he doesn't have anywhere to go either.

Tell him that he either stops commenting on your DD immediately or you'll break up with him (and mean it). She deserves a calm, happy home where she feels comfortable... not living with a moany man child that bitches about her in earshot.

No relationship is worth that.

@Dontknowhowtofeelx
He goes your DD gets to stay
Am willing to bet his DD sees herself superior to yours in every way because of daddys preferential treatment
If you can both see and know it just
Think to yourself
How your DD must be feeling about all this
And she's more important than he'll ever be

Your daughter will be very aware of what's going on and if you keep this man in her life you will not have a relationship with her when she is an adult.

How can you have him in the same house as your child and he’s knocking her self esteem and self worth - fucking get rid of him.

This. He's going to totally wreck your relationship with her while indulging and pussyfooting around his own child.

Your daughter is 16 and clearly a bright kid, believe me she will be spotting and weighing up the inequalities even if she doesn't say anything.

He works, his housing issues are not your problem. Perhaps he can move back in with his parents if he was so happy there until the age of 33. Your DD has nowhere else to go but that won't be the situation for ever.

She will not talk to you when she’s older and it’s because you prioritised this dickhead.

I have a DC in the same school year as yours, also doing an EPQ but certainly not 4 A Levels as well!! Your DD will have a LOT of school work, and frankly is doing a little more than my DC around the house (mine never cooks a family meal, will only cook if no one is home to feed her!)

Your partner absolutely needs to stop nagging her. I don’t really understand why he thinks you even need more help - you’ve got the one independent and self sufficient DC and his 7 year old only two days. I’d be issuing an ultimatum that he shuts up before he makes your DD uncomfortable in her own home. At that stage, I would be shipping him out!

I had a poor marriage. We had two DDs. Once they reached teenage years my H decided that they were of age to become mini servants (the way he treated me). If I ever asked him to do something he'd offload it onto the girls. He'd rudely tell them to do things, rather than ask politely. I put up with it longer than I should have when he was treating me bad, but I wasn't having him treating our DDs like hired help, so I left. I was all for them doing some chores around the house, but not being treated like that. In his mind, being female meant there to do all jobs and serve men.

You need to get him to move out op. If you allow it to continue it will drive a wedge between you and your dd, trust me, this happened to BIL and MIL, he very rarely sees her now.
Even though you say he doesn’t say these things to dd, she will be fully aware of his resentment of her and the stark difference between how he treats his dd and your dd. Don’t let this cause irreparable damage to the relationship between you and your DD.

He sounds a real prize 🙄

Well done for making him do the caring for his DC Op, too many women fall into the trap of doing the parenting. He's a Disney dad, he doesn't want to be a proper DF to his DD and make her behave, he thinks if he doesn't let her have her own way she'll stop coming to visit, he can't see her flaws but he sees every little thing your DD does because she's not his.
If you broke up he has a lot more to lose than you Op so don't be afraid to speak your mind, I'd make it quite clear that your DD comes first for you and if he can't cope with that he needs to go and live somewhere else

It’s really not fair to expect her to live with someone she doesn’t like.

So have you only just told him that he can leave if he doesn’t stop moaning? I suppose the proof will be in the pudding! From all your messages though it doesn’t sound like you like him much. Do you actually want to be with him?

So he was not helping with dinner and then when he was asked to helped immediately said your daughter should help!

sounds like this man thinks women exist ti do things for him. Why is he so fixated on her helping out? He moved into her house, not the other way around.

I am glad you told him to get out if he continues and just hope you follow through when he inevitably acts like a twat again

Your daughter sounds brilliant OP, and him and his daughter both sound like a pain in the arse. A spoilt 7 year old will become an awful tween and teen before you know it, and yours and you DDs lives will be much nicer if you get rid of her terrible dad before that stage hits.

Imagine your Dd coming home from uni to see you, and there’s still this man who doesn’t like her and an obnoxious teenager in her house doing all the things she was made to feel bad about doing herself.

When people move in with another man or woman, who has a child, that child comes with the partner.
This idea they are not ‘family’, or somehow can be separate is unhelpful to everyone. Even on a practical basis.
For some reason he resents her. Maybe even what she means to you. If so, it is very immature and childish.
Tell him to grow up. Talk to him and ask him how he sees his role in the blended family. Does he realise all he does is moan at her, give her tasks and jobs.
Take it from there.

This sounds like a good compromise!