Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

I'm sorry, but, what? Why is your partner telling your DD what to do? Washing sofa blankets? Wtaf! "How do I make it stop"? Tell him, he has no bloody right that's what. Your DD doesn't deserve this. He sounds, like a petty man baby. Get rid.

You are only in the middle because that is where you've chosen to be, you live with a emotional and fun vampire, if he wasn't there anymore then you would feel so much happier, he's a boring two faced bully,

Him being homeless is not a basis for a relationship. Especially if he thinks he can create a buy one get one free skivvy deal!

You're BOTH being bullied by him.
Made uncomfortable in your own home daily.

She IS hearing him sometimes and she is being pushed to do pointless jobs (sofa blankets) so that he can demonstrate his power over her. You said he went on about it all day.

He LIES to your face about the content of your conversations to make you compliant.

I do take the points made by PPs about stepdads finding things tricky, making changes and then things improved but this is different isn't it?

You're already down that track and he hasn't made changes.

Your DD says she's indifferent to him but also that he's a moaner. You are having to (try to to) shield her from him. What's the point? He is a negative to the household.

I'm in a similar position as OP. My DH has been moaning about my DD and I feel there is a lot of resentment and jealousy.

I've asked him to move out temporarily, as I'm not able to cope with the atmosphere in the home. He's staying half the week with his mum and 3 or so nights with us.

Also, what does HE do around the house? He's low key, bullying your daughter, and you're allowing it.

He works. Great, that means he can leave and get his own place. House, flat, spare room.com. Anywhere that's not your home. He can book a travellodge tonight.

Quite frankly I don't know what is good about him, why does having him your life improvs it? Is he good in bed or makes you laugh until you cry? You haven't said anything positive about him yet.

Your DD though, she sounds a respectful, well rounded young adult.

It sounds like he is resentful of her for some reason and doesn't want her there.

I would tell him to pack his stuff and go home to mummy. Or anywhere, not your problem.

You might decide you want to continue dating him, but I suspect he will be off searching for another woman to leech off of.

Send him back to mummy and daddy.

Today.

You have made your DD live with a man she isn't keen on and actively avoids.

Make this right for her. Today!

Seriously, I just read this over again.

You need to get this man out of your lives forever

Her job is to go to school, and then do her homework.

Move him out. Your DD is doing 4 A levels and an EPQ. She wants to be a vet. For now, that is her job. Yes she should be doing her own laundry, keeping her room tidy, and cooking the occasional meal, but really, with her schedule and the work needed to get the sort of grades she’ll need to get into an RG to do veterinary science, she’s doing plenty. Prioritise her - let her live in a calm, safe, house with someone who’ll fully support her.

He’s trying to put you off her, trying to assert his dominance, and trying to isolate you by sowing the seeds of discord so your DD will leave the home asap and he’ll have you to himself.

Ok this girl has exams coming up, so should prioritise that. Never mind about his random chores. Its a power game, to get her to over him even if its through you. Appropriate chores for dd are, cleaning her room, doing her own laundry, she should be using the machine by now! Some cooking and Assisting with washing up. Dog walking. Basically looking after her own needs, not to be a skivvy for him as he is sexist and its similar to grooming her.

@Dontknowhowtofeelx it seems like he expected you not to ask him. Does he do his share round the house, ignoring what DD does?

Thanks for replying, OP, and confirming there's nothing to stop him leaving as he has money and can presumably go to his mother's.

I agree with everyone saying he thinks that as a girl, it's her job to wait on him and work so he can sit around doing nothing. I also wonder, with his remarks about increasing her independence, if his plan is to ensure she leaves at 18 to avoid him, leaving him with a house, sex, and a room for his DD. He is openly bullying her and it seems that nothing firm is being done about it - I don't count a few conversations in which you ask him to stop and he doesn't.

The replies are pretty unanimous - get him out of the house for her sake.

I’d kick him out, I imagine your daughter is constantly walking on eggshells around him. He sounds like he is chipping away at her , there’s zero chance I’d tolerate a man doing that to my child .

I would not take kindly to my DP interfering with my parenting. How long have you lived together, and how long has DP been in your daughter's life? How does she feel about him?

I KNEW it would be this set up. So I take it he is saving a fortune in rent by living with you, and doesn’t contribute apart from food/bills? Or doesn’t he even do that?

I hate that he lives in YOUR DD’s house, rent free, and bosses her around like this. I was that stepchild and it drove a massive wedge between me and my parent.

Sounds like he expects your DD to be his maid

OP, please get him to back off or make him move him out.

You only have a few more years of living with your daughter, and this could ruin your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life.

If you prioritise this man now, it'll send a strong signal to your daughter. She won't feel welcome to come home from uni during the vacations and soon, your relationship will become more and more distant.

Please also consider the possibility that this man is trying to alienate you from your daughter. He wants to push her out so he can take over the nest and get all your attention and resources. He's a human cuckoo. Don't let him push your daughter out of the nest you build for the two of you, to make space for him and his daughter.

“I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter,”

Then use that anger to get rid of him. No more dictating to your daughter then!

Sorry if I missed this but haven’t RTFT - Re him having nowhere to go when you kick him out, what happened to the wealthy family where he presumably stayed until he was 33? Where and how long did he live alone for after split from his DD’s mum?

Him having 'nowhere to go' is a problem for him to figure out.

The only reason to ever move an unrelated male into your daughters home is if it's in her absolute best possible interests. Is this the case with this boyfriend?

I speak as the daughter made to endure my mother's various boyfriends in my home as a child, you need to remove him as soon as possible if you stand any chance at repairing the damage he's caused her and your relationship with her.

This isn’t about DD ‘being more independent’ this is about him slowly establishing ‘his’ place in YOUR house by asserting his dominance over DD.

When a step parent moves in, they resent they’re not instantly above the ‘kids’ in the pecking order; and speed this up by acting like a tyrant.

Honestly I would get rid of him. Living at home until 33, whining about your DD, and very likely not financially contributing while living in YOUR house. It’s a no from me.

Prioritise your Daughter, and kick him out. Your are doing so much harm to her by having this absolute gobshite in her life.