Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

He sounds absolutely hideous. He’s moved into your home, pays 1/3 of living expenses, resents your daughter and think he calls the shots.
He’s a control freak bully - honestly it’s better to be single forever than settle for a twat like this.

💯 💯 this.

@Dontknowhowtofeelx I would ask him to leave tonight, he can book himself a hotel. His having nowhere to go isn't your problem. I wouldn't allow him under my same roof as my child a single day longer.

He sounds like the Wicked Stepfather casting her in the role of Cinderella.

The problem is although she’s your child, to him she’s the inconvenient lodger who he’d rather was not there. It might be a different matter if he was her father wanting her to pull her weight and teach lessons, but seeing as parenting her falls 100% to you that’s not what he’s doing, he’s just seeing her as another ‘adult’ in his house that he has to put up with and he expects her to earn the right to be there.

You need to put your DD first and get rid of him.

Oh I missed that bit, I guess he takes up more space & is full of more hot air. He needs to pay half, as his dd is there as often as possible. Get her digging the garden, oh no, only if she wants to plant her stupid PP.

I'm assuming the 3.5 years he's lived with you, is when he moved out from mummy? Or did he move in with the mother of his 7 y/o DD, making this man child 40+?

Either way, he can run back to mummy, or if she's sick of him he can use the pathetic 1/3 of rent/bills he pays you, to get a room in a house share and have to forego his DD staying over, no more Disney. Or he can grow up and pay full, unsubsidised adult rates for a 1/2 bed flat to still have his DD stay over, and really live in the real world as an adult.

Congratulations on the best decision!

I have a friend who moans about everything. It's draining. We don't see each other much nowadays.

I’d like to know how much he does in the house - housework, cooking, laundry, washing up etc?

I fell out with my sister (I should have kept my beak out) because her DP was exactly the same and my niece is an angel compared to most teens.

He thinks she should be doing as much housework as the mum because she is a female.
He has never come out and said it but my sister does a lot more than him around the house and he expects her DD to do more than him too.

Its misogyny.

Your DD is not responsible for washing the sofa covers - if he thinks they need washing, then he can do them.

Yes she should be keeping her room tidy etc but with 2 adults and a housekeeper, there is barely anything to do anyway.

You need to tell him to stop as she is your child and you’ll be in charge of what she’ll be doing.

Sounds like he’s trying to deflect attention from him and how useless he is. I’d have no time for someone whining at me that why can’t someone else do it when I ask them to help with a small task. He sounds like a child himself.

To answer your question, I think the behaviour might stop if he is required to do absolutely nothing in the house and you do everything. As soon as HE is expected to do something, he is going to try to make sure your DD is doing equally as much. I think I would tell him he is clearly not happy how you are parenting your daughter, and to be honest you are not happy how he is parenting his either, so the best thing to do would be he moves out and you are together but living apart until you jointly have no children at home left. Although I notice in your later posts it sounds like it is not the only issue and you are pretty hacked off with him in general and want him gone. So be it. The important thing is your daughter should not have to live with this man.

my first thought too

He is jealous of your relationship with your dd and how well brought up she is while his dd does not live with him and he does not have much say in her upbringing. It’s very unfair on your dd, who seems very well behaved and responsible from what you write here.

OP your DD sounds like a golden child. Mine was causing me mountains of work from waking her up to washing her clothes and cooking all her fav food to clear the path for her to work on her ALevels (which she did with good but not the best outcome coz - hard work was missing a bit). Your DD doesn’t have to do anything more to prove her independence. You know what to do here - good luck!

He’s a cuckoo, kicking your eggs out of the nest because he resents them. Get rid.

(I agree that a 16-year-old should do things around the house, but he doesn’t get to dictate that.)

Honestly I could not be doing with someone being such a misery all the time snd negging like this. He must make the whole atmosphere in your house quite negative. Why on earth do you put up with it if it’s your house?

Does he have any redeeming features? He lives with his parents till he was 33, he spoils his own kid while nagging your Dd (who sounds like she does plenty for a 16yo). He’s giving me the ick and i haven’t met him.

Id have him out.

I couldn't stand the rules for your daughter and rules for his. Your daughter has to do jobs while little princess does f'ck all, kick him to the curb for your poor daughters sake

I hope he goes quietly OP. You are doing the right thing.

So he does absolutely nothing for her other than berate her? I tell my DS to do jobs etc but I’ve earned the right to do so by pouring so much love into our relationship and doing so much for him. I don’t mind it when DH asks DS (not his son) to do a job as he asks him politely, does loads for him, and genuinely wants him to learn and be independent. Your DP is bringing nothing.

I can guarantee that his whiny daughter will not be held to the same standards that he holds your daughter too when she’s her age (and that if he carries on parenting her like he is, neither will she be sitting 4 A levels and being able to explore veterinary medicine).

I am going to tell him it’s over. It’s draining and I can’t be fucked with it at best and at worst, I have taken on the fact that DD doesn’t need this either.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

This is the right decision and excellent news.

You said he doesn’t bully Dd: he does! She is a bright girl. She knows when he is inventing jobs and ‘going on and on at her’.

She heard him this morning - when she was actually busy helping you cook.

Teens hear stuff. They know,

And the worst of it is he half has you gaslighted into wondering whether your wonderful, hard working, responsible Dd should be doing as he says.

Get him out as fast as possible and you and Dd will breathe freely again.

What a pathetic man baby, who is jealous of your DD. Well done on deciding to get rid

Put your daughter first and get rid of him. She didn’t get a say in him moving in did she?

Really glad you’ve decided to get rid OP. My ex husband started being really unpleasant to my daughter and I didn’t act fast enough. He made it sound like he was “helping”. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Your daughter sounds wonderful and I hope you’re very happy together in your new life without this knobhead 💐

Your DD sounds bloody lovely. I can’t believe you’re inflicting this bloke on her.

I'm glad you're ending it Op, he's always going to be looking for a better life when there's nothing wrong with the one he has now, in fact he's been more than fortunate with you. It's hard to be happy with someone whose never happy with their lot

So he isn't just having a pop at your DD, he's also trying to gaslight you by creating a false narrative about how you've discussed it previously.
He sounds like trouble tbh.
And you don't sound like you like him or his 7yo DD very much so I'd just let the whole thing go.