Page 12 | Fed up with DP going on about my DD

Dontknowhowtofeelx · 2026-11-01T13:36:44+00:00

Need to vent / ask for support? DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week. I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all. He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping. I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing. He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now. For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’ I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

Original poster

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 17:00

NotTheMrMenAgain · Yesterday 16:41

Your poor DD. It’s obvious that he doesn’t like her, and doles out made up “tasks” like some bloody Lord of the Manor so he can have something tangible to complain about when she doesn’t do it correctly or quickly enough. The talk of “independence” is because he wants her out the door to Uni and not coming back.

What an absolute hypocrite when he didn’t leave home til his 30s and treats his little girl like a pampered princess. If you stay with him this dynamic won’t change - it will always be him bitching about your girl, while his is indulged at every turn.

I have an 18 year old DD doing A levels. Your DD has a HUGE amount of work on her plate and the added stress of trying to achieve her goals of a top Uni. The kid will already be under stress, so home should be a supportive, calm place - she shouldn’t have to deal with her mom’s cock-lodger boyfriend banging on washing blankets etc.

Where is her dad? Is there any chance she can go and live with him, to escape this atmosphere? That’s the best option as far as I can see, if you don’t get rid of the boyfriend.

Her dad is not an option. She has never been to his flat, she see’s him for days out or dinner. Another whole story with that weirdo unfortunately

OP posts:

Madamefroufrou · Yesterday 17:01

@Inertia - great post, especially the last sentence - “never appease a tyrant”
as any sort of compliance gives them the green light to be more demanding controlling, unreasonable

OP could have said, cutting across the unreasonable demand quoted :
“the sofa covers do not need washing, but my car does, John, thanks”
(for example)

OP’s daughter is a young woman at 16 - no wonder there is an odd dynamic
in the house

MerryAquaKoala · Yesterday 17:01

AshCullen1894 · Yesterday 13:43

He sounds jealous and immature. Not quite sure how this man improves your life or why you continue living with him. Your poor kid.

Agreed 100%

thestudio · Yesterday 17:02

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 16:57

He does a lot in the house but he has impossibly high standards, as in he aims for perfection in everything, I had to be really firm about him ‘tidying up’ my garden as I discovered it meant cutting down a load of things!

I think he see’s that everyone should be doing something all the time ‘to better the house’ he is the same with our relationship ‘always trying to better it’ ie. Moaning that we don’t do enough together, have enough sex, latest moan is that he doesn’t initiate enough sex (yes ladies you heard it right, not that we don’t have enough, that he doesn’t initiate enough!).

Like I say, he is a moaner and no one can tell him anything because he is just trying to be ‘better for everyone’.

I am going to tell him it’s over. It’s draining and I can’t be fucked with it at best and at worst, I have taken on the fact that DD doesn’t need this either. I love her so much, she is brilliant. We lived just us for about 2.5 years after her dad moved out and it was awesome. Always vowed I would never live with another man, proving myself right with it now!

Good.

Take this very seriously though OP and don't be swayed by the promises he will make to change once he's seen you're serious - or you won't have a relationship to speak of with DD in 5 years time.

She'll be long gone, and it won't be possible to truly mend things then.

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 17:04

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 14:43

She does keep her room tidy, she does do washing (mostly her own but will throw extra bits in too), she can cook several dinners and if I give her notice she will cook dinner for us all, she also cooks for herself if we are both working. She will walk the dogs if I ask. Do anything I ask really. Always clears up after herself.

DD is studying 4 Alevels with EPQ, aspirations to attend a Russel group university to be a vet. So I do cut her some slack as she is working hard at school, trying to have a social life (no bf) but lovely friends, she also does a bit of work ok the side pet sitting for people in our village so she is by far from a lazy messy teenager.

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Sounds like she does plenty to me -especially for a 16 year old. The making up jobs thing he does is very odd. Is it that thing where some people hate it when women / girls sit down?

I can see why you want him to go, it doesn’t sound like he is the nicest person to live with. Plus his Disney Dad behaviour would give me the ick. I bet when his daughter gets older he will have little expectations of her 🙄

ThisHeartySloth · Yesterday 17:05

If you don’t move him out, I would definitely tell him he isn’t to ask your daughter to do any chores etc. You’ve said you provide everything for her, he doesn’t get to order her around. It gets him too involved in what he thinks she should be doing

CatSquirrelDuck · Yesterday 17:06

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 14:43

She does keep her room tidy, she does do washing (mostly her own but will throw extra bits in too), she can cook several dinners and if I give her notice she will cook dinner for us all, she also cooks for herself if we are both working. She will walk the dogs if I ask. Do anything I ask really. Always clears up after herself.

DD is studying 4 Alevels with EPQ, aspirations to attend a Russel group university to be a vet. So I do cut her some slack as she is working hard at school, trying to have a social life (no bf) but lovely friends, she also does a bit of work ok the side pet sitting for people in our village so she is by far from a lazy messy teenager.

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She sounds lovely. And ambitious. And like a great 16 year old who does her share ... and in return has to put up with her mum's moaning boyfriend who doesn't make her feel welcome in her own home.

And I'd ask him to move out, tbh. He will make it hard for her to come 'home' when she leaves for Uni ... you know that right?

Futurehappiness · Yesterday 17:06

So he's a cocklodger of the worst kind: an abusive cocklodger. I think his treatment of your DD does amount to being abusive.

I have no advice other than - get rid of him. You write that you regret moving him in; so, how about you reverse that decision and get him gone.

If you don't, don't be surprised if your DD leaves home as soon as she can and never comes back. Your DD should be focusing on her future and her studies, and her home should be her safe space. You are letting her down by allowing him to continue to treat her like this, subject her to his negativity and impinge on her life.

MerryAquaKoala · Yesterday 17:06

Just seen your post about getting rid of him OP - great decision. You'll soon wonder what took you so long! x

Hopefulsalmon · Yesterday 17:07

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 16:57

He does a lot in the house but he has impossibly high standards, as in he aims for perfection in everything, I had to be really firm about him ‘tidying up’ my garden as I discovered it meant cutting down a load of things!

I think he see’s that everyone should be doing something all the time ‘to better the house’ he is the same with our relationship ‘always trying to better it’ ie. Moaning that we don’t do enough together, have enough sex, latest moan is that he doesn’t initiate enough sex (yes ladies you heard it right, not that we don’t have enough, that he doesn’t initiate enough!).

Like I say, he is a moaner and no one can tell him anything because he is just trying to be ‘better for everyone’.

I am going to tell him it’s over. It’s draining and I can’t be fucked with it at best and at worst, I have taken on the fact that DD doesn’t need this either. I love her so much, she is brilliant. We lived just us for about 2.5 years after her dad moved out and it was awesome. Always vowed I would never live with another man, proving myself right with it now!

Good for you. Your daughter sounds great.

Earheads · Yesterday 17:09

She does do plenty, particularly for the exam years when they are wanting to be high achieving.

The additional stress this must put her under is dreadful.
She keeps her room tidy which means she is doing very well at that age.

Hasn't she suffered enough with a "weirdo" for a father?

nidvideouioui · Yesterday 17:10

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 16:57

He does a lot in the house but he has impossibly high standards, as in he aims for perfection in everything, I had to be really firm about him ‘tidying up’ my garden as I discovered it meant cutting down a load of things!

I think he see’s that everyone should be doing something all the time ‘to better the house’ he is the same with our relationship ‘always trying to better it’ ie. Moaning that we don’t do enough together, have enough sex, latest moan is that he doesn’t initiate enough sex (yes ladies you heard it right, not that we don’t have enough, that he doesn’t initiate enough!).

Like I say, he is a moaner and no one can tell him anything because he is just trying to be ‘better for everyone’.

I am going to tell him it’s over. It’s draining and I can’t be fucked with it at best and at worst, I have taken on the fact that DD doesn’t need this either. I love her so much, she is brilliant. We lived just us for about 2.5 years after her dad moved out and it was awesome. Always vowed I would never live with another man, proving myself right with it now!

He does sound awful, OP. I would imagine that because he lived with his parents so long, he’s used to having everything ready for him and being a bit babied. There’s nothing worse than a moaner.

CharlieEffie · Yesterday 17:11

So he does nothing to help etc with your DD does the same rule apply to his DD? He does everything for her when shes at yours. Youve set your boundary now stick to it. If he doesnt stop he leaves. Its her home

Madamefroufrou · Yesterday 17:14

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 16:57

He does a lot in the house but he has impossibly high standards, as in he aims for perfection in everything, I had to be really firm about him ‘tidying up’ my garden as I discovered it meant cutting down a load of things!

I think he see’s that everyone should be doing something all the time ‘to better the house’ he is the same with our relationship ‘always trying to better it’ ie. Moaning that we don’t do enough together, have enough sex, latest moan is that he doesn’t initiate enough sex (yes ladies you heard it right, not that we don’t have enough, that he doesn’t initiate enough!).

Like I say, he is a moaner and no one can tell him anything because he is just trying to be ‘better for everyone’.

I am going to tell him it’s over. It’s draining and I can’t be fucked with it at best and at worst, I have taken on the fact that DD doesn’t need this either. I love her so much, she is brilliant. We lived just us for about 2.5 years after her dad moved out and it was awesome. Always vowed I would never live with another man, proving myself right with it now!

well if this isn’t yet another virgo, I’ll eat my hat - now tell us the sex is formulaic

Cakeandcardio · Yesterday 17:15

She is not his servant. Or his daughter. You can ask favours of your DD or expect her to do chores. He cannot. End of. If he keeps treating her like this (unreasonably) then she might step away from you both in a few short years.

OffTheMap · Yesterday 17:15

He resents the cuckoo in his nest: another man’s child who takes up the attention of you.

He is a bully. This is a horrible environment for your Dd.

SUPerSaver721 · Yesterday 17:18

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 14:39

She isn’t keen on him tbh, but doesn’t have much to do with him.

She just thinks he is a moaner which he is tbh.

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She isnt keen on him? Why did you move him in and make your daughter put up with him? Honestly kick him out now and repair your relationship with your daughter before she moves out and hardly comes to visit you when shes older. Do you need his contribution to the house? Is that why you put up with him?

Mangelwurzelfortea · Yesterday 17:20

Get rid of him. He wants shot of your daughter. This is exactly what happened to me - my stepdad wanted shot of me, I couldn't do anything right and was constantly accused of being selfish, and was booted out to university and that was it, I never went home. He on the other hand lived at home until he married my mum aged 33 and obviously expected my mother to take over the role of looking after him and putting him first that his mum had always played.

Anywayyyyy my flashbacks aside, just get rid of him if you value your relationship with your daughter.

MissMoneyFairy · Yesterday 17:23

Good decision to end it, hes a control freak, I hope he goes quietly.

Quitelikeit · Yesterday 17:24

This man is jealous of your daughter I’m afraid

And I’m quite surprised at the amount she does - especially the fact she does all her own laundry and cooks for you all!

Anyway this guy is being unreasonable, unrealistic, pathetic (his child’s breakfast was dreadful!) he has no clue about parenting it seems!

Ask him to move out - frame it as temporary and see how things play out!

Im not sure I could handle a man this childish as I think his view/jealousy is unlikely to change.

Holding on until your daughter moves out would be selfish - set her a better example

smooththecat · Yesterday 17:24

He’s trying to impose his ‘authority’ as a ‘man’, likely without developing any meaningful connection with her. I suffered this.

Apotofrealcoffee · Yesterday 17:28

Dontknowhowtofeelx · Yesterday 15:58

He gives me a set amount of money each month, it’s a third of total bills/ rent etc as he see’s that he should pay his third and I pay 2 thirds as I earn more and my DD lives here full time

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Good grief what the actual fuck?

I’m willing to bet he eats more than your DD, and scrimping to pay a third rather than a half when you’re putting a free roof over his head is actually INSANE

Dreww · Yesterday 17:29

Well isn't he just a joy and a delight.

Currymaker · Yesterday 17:30

Unless you make him leave you're complicit in your child being bullied, because that's what this is.

OneCalmEagle · Yesterday 17:31

I think so