Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

She will know even if he doesn't say it to her. She doesn't have much to do with him, but this is someone who lives in her home. So how does that work ? She isnt keen on him and he sounds s hypocritical bully.

Plus, she is destined to get good grades and go to a Russell Group uni. And he has started behaving like this. Jealousy ?

You know this could start to impact her school work, she feel feel the tension . She has someone in her home she seems to avoid, he doesn't appear to show any warmth to her .

Please don't do half week with him living with ypu and half not. He needs to move out before you damage your relationship with your daughter and the atmosphere damages her ability to do well.

Did he ever say well done with results and how well she is doing ?Encourage her, positive things to her ?

He seems mean spirited .

People are saying kick him out ? What are your reasons for keeping him living with you ?

You shouldn't have to lay down the law to not push for your daughter to do stuff, he speaks negatively of her. That should not be necessary, he shouldn't do it in the first place. That speaks to his personality. Does he say anything nice about your daughter ?

Oh god, what a miserable bore he is. Get him to move out and see how much happier your home is.

Get rid, OP.

Red flag. Moaning about your daughter..then lying about something you've said would be enough for me. Id kick him out. Your daughter must hate having him around. I know who id choose and it wouldn't be a man child.

It's really sad that she has to live with a man who she doesn't much like, isn't related to and doesn't have much to do with.

I'm not sure this arrangement is working for anyone, except maybe him. Prioritising her probably means letting him go.

You’re having sex with a fucking misogynist. He expected a mother and daughter to be taking care of all housework - it’s beneath him. He’s an entitled shit. Ask him if this is what he expected, if so he can and should fuck off.

If you’d had a son would he expect them to wait on him too?

Your poor DD. It’s obvious that he doesn’t like her, and doles out made up “tasks” like some bloody Lord of the Manor so he can have something tangible to complain about when she doesn’t do it correctly or quickly enough. The talk of “independence” is because he wants her out the door to Uni and not coming back.

What an absolute hypocrite when he didn’t leave home til his 30s and treats his little girl like a pampered princess. If you stay with him this dynamic won’t change - it will always be him bitching about your girl, while his is indulged at every turn.

I have an 18 year old DD doing A levels. Your DD has a HUGE amount of work on her plate and the added stress of trying to achieve her goals of a top Uni. The kid will already be under stress, so home should be a supportive, calm place - she shouldn’t have to deal with her mom’s cock-lodger boyfriend banging on washing blankets etc.

Where is her dad? Is there any chance she can go and live with him, to escape this atmosphere? That’s the best option as far as I can see, if you don’t get rid of the boyfriend.

You say you really regret moving him in, and I don’t blame you for that.

I do blame you for thinking you shouldn’t be doing anything about it now he’s showing his true colours.

Tell him to pack his bags and get out. Your poor DD.

OP this is a situation of your own making and by no means uncommon
neither is a 16 year old popular, steady, this-is-out-of-character young lady
running away from home, bullying partner/stepfather and a mother who
prevaricates between lover and child

abnegating total responsibility for your child’s well being brought you here

He sounds awful. Are you really so desperate for a man that you'll put up with someone who isn't nice to your child and leeches off you financially? How pathetic. Don't expect to see much of your DD once she's grown and gone - she must be counting down the days.

I wondered this too, because his reaction to being told him and DD might have to move out was to "sulk". Did your partner benefit from nicer accommodation when he moved in with you @Dontknowhowtofeelx ?

I think you need a break from one another. I would ak them to move out whilst you both think about long term compatibility.

It sounds like he is reflecting his poor parenting by commenting on how you parent your DD. Disney dad act would do my head in.

People living together get on each other's nerves. This isn't that, it is targeted and unkind.

Dump his whiny ass and his spoilt dd.

Does your daughter have another parent she can live with till you get this man out of her home? I will never understand why parents make their dc live like this.

Just joining in with the kick him to the curb chorus here.

Life is too short to put up with this shitty man. His dd is a ticking time bomb of preteen and then teen problems too from the sounds of it.

Call it a day op and you and your dd can enjoy a happier home life.

as part of a group or team which a family is, it makes perfect sense for everybody to make a fair contribution - fair meaning that all members are in broad agreement as to the amount of time and effort which needs got be spent by everybody. You will then have a high performing and productive 'team' which should make for a happy and a productive unit, so yes it seems she needs to up her game a little.

This ^

Tell home it's time to find somewhere else to live. This isn't fair on your daughter

Also important to add that your DD's behaviour is in the 'completely normal for a fundamentally great teen' category.

He's literally looking for things to be fucked off about, like a constitutional prick.

What about his parents? He lived with them until he was 33 after all.

He does a lot in the house but he has impossibly high standards, as in he aims for perfection in everything, I had to be really firm about him ‘tidying up’ my garden as I discovered it meant cutting down a load of things!

I think he see’s that everyone should be doing something all the time ‘to better the house’ he is the same with our relationship ‘always trying to better it’ ie. Moaning that we don’t do enough together, have enough sex, latest moan is that he doesn’t initiate enough sex (yes ladies you heard it right, not that we don’t have enough, that he doesn’t initiate enough!).

Like I say, he is a moaner and no one can tell him anything because he is just trying to be ‘better for everyone’.

I am going to tell him it’s over. It’s draining and I can’t be fucked with it at best and at worst, I have taken on the fact that DD doesn’t need this either. I love her so much, she is brilliant. We lived just us for about 2.5 years after her dad moved out and it was awesome. Always vowed I would never live with another man, proving myself right with it now!

Your daughter should be the most important person in your life. Why are you allowing a man to come between you? She won't be living with you for many more years - make the most of your time with her and set this man free to bully someone else.

Imagine when your daughter's left home and you're stuck with him and his daughter? No way would I do that.

Cross posted with you and I'm so happy you reached the same conclusion.

What's your housing situation, OP?

This thread has made me cross. What OP describes is a decent, hardworking, motivated teen (and we've all seen how different it can be just from on here, physical assault, drugs, crime) and she's being picked on and sniped at by someone who is doing and paying the bare minimum to live where he is.

@Dontknowhowtofeelx blokes are plentiful. Your kids, less so.