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Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

228 replies

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 11:36

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

OP posts:
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Tibirose · Yesterday 19:37

Ilikeyoga · Yesterday 19:19

So they worked full time 16-19 (no education then) and there’s 2 of them to make that 5% deposit. Far easier when it’s 2 people and 5% is low which means a high mortgage. Somehow got into uni despite no A levels? Unless they did A Levels after 19. How does someone do full time work with uni? Unless uni was part time.

Regardless, OP is 19 and at university so can’t work full time, just part time. And doesn’t have a partner to split costs with. Have some compassion as the poor boy has lost his dad!

They worked full time, one of them doing an apprenticeship which led to a degree and the other studying to acheive the entry requirements for uni while also working full time then continuing to work full time hours nights and weekends while at uni full time. Their mortgage is no more than the rent they paid previously. One of my other adult DC is single so just having to save for a deposit for a bit longer and will then buy a cheaper house/possibly shared ownership. The OP can live in halls/room in a shared house just like one of my other DC did

gardenflowergirl · Yesterday 19:38

You said you are an adult, so adult children don't get a say in whether your mother has more children or not. Your opinion on this is irrelevant to your mother. You both have your own lives to live.

Billy47 · Yesterday 19:42

@HonestIntentions I'm sorry that your dad passed away. It must have been really hard to see your mum move on so quickly after his death but their relationship was already over. She had already ended the relationship despite them still living in the same house.

Don't really understand why your mum asked your opinion on her having a baby. How did she word it? Are you sure she was asking what you thought rather than giving you information? Maybe she wanted you to be happy for her.

Realistically, its her life. You are a big man and you'll be off going about your business. If you're hurt about something then address that in therapy.

I dont know, you're young and you've been through a lot, but you're also coming across as very self-centred and selfish. Your mum deserves a life outside of you. You don't need to agree with her choices.

godmum56 · Yesterday 19:52

Billy47 · Yesterday 19:42

@HonestIntentions I'm sorry that your dad passed away. It must have been really hard to see your mum move on so quickly after his death but their relationship was already over. She had already ended the relationship despite them still living in the same house.

Don't really understand why your mum asked your opinion on her having a baby. How did she word it? Are you sure she was asking what you thought rather than giving you information? Maybe she wanted you to be happy for her.

Realistically, its her life. You are a big man and you'll be off going about your business. If you're hurt about something then address that in therapy.

I dont know, you're young and you've been through a lot, but you're also coming across as very self-centred and selfish. Your mum deserves a life outside of you. You don't need to agree with her choices.

yes I did wonder if it was a somewhat clumsy attempt to open up the subject rather than actually asking for an opinion.

Uricon2 · Yesterday 19:53

A bit less pomposity and a bit more understanding that other people have lives too would serve you well @HonestIntentions .

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 19:53

Tibirose · Yesterday 19:30

I absolutely have sympathy regarding losing a parent but I understand your parents had separated prior to the dad loss of your father?
Your mother is entitled to live her own life and have some happiness, and it sounds like she has been supportive enough to continue you living in her home as an adult. We have 25 years+ between my eldest and youngest, they adore their big siblings and vice versa, just as it should be

Edited

I don’t believe you kicked your children out of the house just to have more. Honestly, beyond all the gossip and unprompted advice handed out so carelessly on these platforms, I believe very few mothers are horrible enough to actually kick a son out just to have another one with a new partner (or at least I hope so).

So, I really don't see why I should move out.

OP posts:
Tibirose · Yesterday 19:58

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 19:53

I don’t believe you kicked your children out of the house just to have more. Honestly, beyond all the gossip and unprompted advice handed out so carelessly on these platforms, I believe very few mothers are horrible enough to actually kick a son out just to have another one with a new partner (or at least I hope so).

So, I really don't see why I should move out.

No we certainly didn’t, still have an adult DC living at home with us and more than happy to be able to do that for him so he can save for a deposit. If there was significant friction in our relationship with an adult DC due to our choices or any other reasons then probably best for them to get there own place

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 20:02

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 19:53

I don’t believe you kicked your children out of the house just to have more. Honestly, beyond all the gossip and unprompted advice handed out so carelessly on these platforms, I believe very few mothers are horrible enough to actually kick a son out just to have another one with a new partner (or at least I hope so).

So, I really don't see why I should move out.

Well, if you're hostile to the decision that your DM and her new partner have made, then you really should consider whether or not you should remain there. That's not being "kicked out"; it's recognising that you will be creating tension in the household and possibly (as you said) causing yourself to feel "pain".

Are you currently helping your DM pay the mortgage or other household costs? If so, you can use this opportunity to launch yourself into adulthood and use that money to fund your own living accomodation. If you're not contributing financially to the household, then you really have even less of a justification to complain about your DM's choices.

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 20:02

Tibirose · Yesterday 19:58

No we certainly didn’t, still have an adult DC living at home with us and more than happy to be able to do that for him so he can save for a deposit. If there was significant friction in our relationship with an adult DC due to our choices or any other reasons then probably best for them to get there own place

That sounds fantastic: the famous 'conditional hospitality'! Basically, the message here is: 'We'll keep you at home as long as you don't have an opinion, put your emotions aside, passively agree with all our choices, and while you're at it, act as a full-time babysitter for us.' In short, rather than a son living at home, it sounds more like the job description for an all-rounder employee—just without a salary and with the obligation to keep smiling. Truly an impeccable level of democracy! 😂

OP posts:
didnttellasoul · Yesterday 20:03

No wonder your mum brought it up, she knew you were going to be a nightmare about it.

Peoplesfrontofjudea2000 · Yesterday 20:04

is the issue you feel the loss of your mother and pushed out of the new family?
did your mother reassure you that she will remain your mother or did she ask you to leave home.
maybe she didn’t want your opinion on having another child but maybe she wanted to check in with you about how you felt given your previous feelings, and maybe reassure you. It sounds as though you are ambivalent and that is probably realistic. You may feel differently when you sibling becomes real and bond but tbh it won’t be a usual sibling or half sibling relationship because of the age difference, so don’t expect one. I would live your own life becoming more independent as that is the stage of life you are at.

Chunkybabythighs · Yesterday 20:07

You're a grown ass man, move tf out. Embarrassing

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 20:09

didnttellasoul · Yesterday 20:03

No wonder your mum brought it up, she knew you were going to be a nightmare about it.

Oh, sure! Because trying to process a sudden loss and deal with a massive change like this at barely 20 years old automatically makes you a 'nightmare,' right? Impeccable logic.

Apparently, asking for a bare minimum of respect and empathy during such a delicate time turns you straight into some kind of evil monster. I'll make a note of it for next time: no having feelings or grieving allowed, otherwise it ruins the scenery!

That being said, I'll leave you to it and wish you a good evening: I'm off to watch a good movie and enjoy a nice pizza made by my mom—as long as I'm still staying here at home, I might as well make the most of the service. 😛

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · Yesterday 20:18

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 19:53

I don’t believe you kicked your children out of the house just to have more. Honestly, beyond all the gossip and unprompted advice handed out so carelessly on these platforms, I believe very few mothers are horrible enough to actually kick a son out just to have another one with a new partner (or at least I hope so).

So, I really don't see why I should move out.

If you already had had younger siblings yes this definitely happens. I was asked to leave the family home before I even turned 18, I was given two days to go. So my younger siblings could have a nicer life. When they all reached mid 20s they still didn’t have to move out. They each in turn saved up for a deposit for a house before leaving then got married etc whereas I didn’t get to even buy a house until my late 40s.

as for my father he had a second secret family. Go figure. (My family are toxic).

It’s how the eldest child is treated, you’ve had 20years without it so far. I’m estranged from my family nowadays. That’s why I said save up make your own plans and go.

PollyPocket80 · Yesterday 20:19

Why I am hearing the voice of Rick from the Young Ones when I read OP's posts 😂

LAMPS1 · Yesterday 20:19

You have secure, adequate private accommodation in the home of your mum’s partner so can continue your studies presumably without too much student debt. That’s good.

You like your mum’s new partner and get on with him. That’s very positive too.

Whilst you always wanted a childhood as an only child, you are now, as a young adult, maybe not that opposed to the idea of a baby sibling as the experience might not be entirely negative, apart from the embarrassment of your mum’s pregnancy.
This thinking strikes me as rather immature and a bit mixed up, as if your attachment to your mum is that of a much younger child. Maybe you are a bit over-protective of her even though she has been able to move on after her relationship with your father which broke down several years ago before his death.

Your father died several years ago and it seems from your posts that you are still deep in grief ( and rather angry) over your bereavement. That’s very sad OP, if you haven’t managed to move on a bit from the trauma of that awful childhood experience.

So apart from suggesting bereavement counselling, it’s a struggle to understand what you see as the problem, other than your mum asked how you felt about the idea of her having a baby with her partner and then implied that your opinion wouldn’t change her mind, -which you state you wouldn't want it to do anyway.

Would you rather she hadn’t let you know that a half sibling was a possibility?
Most young men would not have a problem articulating their thoughts and would probably just get on with their own busy student lives and tell her they simply want her to be happy and it’s up to her and her partner. That would be a healthy response as I see it.

I hope you can get the help you need and deserve for your unhappy situation.

Billy47 · Yesterday 20:20

Your mum is going to do what she wants. It's her life. It's her body, and it's her choice. You have choices. You can be happy for her or not. You can choose to live in her home or not. In this relationship, you are the child. When you are the parent, you can decide what is and isn't acceptable and how much you are going to allow your child to dictate your life choices. Realistically, your life will move on. As an independent adult, you can choose if you do or don't want a relationship with her. You can also choose how much involvement you want with your siblings if your mum manages to have more children at her age.

seahorsessky · Yesterday 20:23

People do ask things in weird ways sometimes, my dad announced I was on the way by asking my mum's parents if they'd like another grandchild. First, it's not up to them, and what was he going to do if they said no.
Maybe in your case, it's more like asking how involved you want to be.

gardenflowergirl · Yesterday 20:37

Family life isn't a democracy though. Parents decide what they're going to do in their lives and in their homes..
Adult children have to go along with it, if you don't like those decisions, or want to do something that the parents disagree with, can always move out and get their own place.

CravingSolitude · Yesterday 21:02

This is a strange thread. I have adult children at home and am still capable of having another baby (probably). I wouldn't even discuss my child bearing choices with my children. It's my choice to make and I'd just inform them of my pregnancy when the time came. They don't have to like my choices for myself, my body and my home. They are welcome to live at home but, if my choices don't suit them, they can go live in their own home and call the shots there.

HappyMummaOfOne · Yesterday 21:21

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CravingSolitude · Yesterday 21:21

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 20:02

That sounds fantastic: the famous 'conditional hospitality'! Basically, the message here is: 'We'll keep you at home as long as you don't have an opinion, put your emotions aside, passively agree with all our choices, and while you're at it, act as a full-time babysitter for us.' In short, rather than a son living at home, it sounds more like the job description for an all-rounder employee—just without a salary and with the obligation to keep smiling. Truly an impeccable level of democracy! 😂

My home is not a democracy. I am respectful of my adult children and ask for their opinions where it is reasonable. They are welcome to stay at home and at this time it is working for everyone. However, my children don't get a say in my life and choices. I'm not going to change my life or restrict my choices because they are living in my home. The home I pay for. Let's be honest, the presence of adult children in the home costs parents money and time and prevents us from making our lives easier by preventing us from being able to downsize. If I want to build an extension or put in a new kitchen, I will - and I will choose that kitchen. If I want to get a dog or cat, I will get a dog or cat and I won't ask the adult child's permission. If I want a guest to stay, they are informed the guest is coming. They have to ask if they want to invite a guest. If I want to have a baby, I will have a baby and they will be told that I am pregnant. Not asked if they want a sibling. They don't get a say in that.

If they want a truly equal say, they can pay truly equal expenses. Or they can get their own place where they make the rules and make the choices - and I don't get a say in those.

Uricon2 · Yesterday 21:25

Oh God @HonestIntentions after your last couple of posts, all I can say is just grow up. You are embarrassing yourself.

Ethelspagetti · Yesterday 22:02

So you’re a twenty year old man who wants his mum not to have anymore children?! Women are constantly oppressed by men. Do you really think we would care about a man’s feelings over a woman’s reproductive rights?! You sound very controlling of your mum. Mind your own business and start saving up to move out.

Scout2016 · Yesterday 22:29

You will probably take offence at this but maybe think about whether you would benefit from some counselling.

People are sympathetic to your loss but that will wane when you make comments such asthat you are embarrassed about your mum being pregnant or whether you will still respect her if you think she makes decisions for reasons YOU don't agree with. Honestly OP, not many on here are going to think kindly of a 20 year old male being so judgemental of their mother while living in her boyfriend's attic and having her cook for him. Not many women move in with their partner and take their adult son with them - you have some nerve to then be so judgemental!

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