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Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

228 replies

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 11:36

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Eristealviper · Yesterday 13:44

More to the point, does anyone ever think of how the the tiny innocent person feels about being dumped into this peculiar household/family?

FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife · Yesterday 13:44

Beenaroundabit · Yesterday 13:38

You want to remain an only child. But you're an adult now, or certainly old enough to realise that absolutely no part of your mum's decision to have another child has ANYTHING at all to do with you. You don't get to make anyone else's decisions about their reproductive choices other than your own.

Grow up.

(My half sister is 16 years younger than me. Sure I was pissed off when they told me but she is the most wonderful human being and now adult friend and companion)

The OP has implied her mother asked if she would like her to have another child. I don't disagree with what you are saying, but 'asking' the OP is foolish if it's a decision that has already been made.

TheLastSilverSaint · Yesterday 13:45

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

Are you really an adult?!

You sound extremely self-centred and immature. You don’t get to decide if you remain an only child! That really isn’t how it works.

Your mother asked you how you would feel, which is fine. She’s asking because she’d like to know what to expect, not to give you some kind of veto - it’s not up to you and neither should it be.

Livpool · Yesterday 13:45

I think you need counselling OP - you are far too emeshed in this.

Youdoneedtorun · Yesterday 13:45

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ImFckingMattDamon · Yesterday 13:45

Merrybandofpirates · Yesterday 13:29

I mean this genuinely, not as an insult or sarcasm, do you have learning difficulties? Because your behaviour and attitude here are really very odd, and almost worrying.

When making a big decision, most people ask family or friends for advice to gain a new perspective. But it’s just to help us make an informed choice - your opinion doesn’t really hope much weight. She can ask what she likes of you just as a discussion, but the decision will be hers.

To say you would lose all respect for her if she chose not to have a child due to her existing child… what? I have two kids. Split from their dad 13 years ago. I have a new partner, long term. We have discussed kids but ultimately, I don’t want a blended family or half siblings and inheritance issues or anything else so I’m not having more kids due to the kids I already have - it’s best for them if I don’t. Am I not worthy of respect?

If I change my mind and decide to have kids, and plan it carefully and protect assets etc, then should my children “feel pain” and be right to demand that I should have given them a day? No. It isn’t their decision. Just like this isn’t your decision.

It is time for you to grow up and start acting your age. You are behaving like a child, which is why I think you have some SEN and maybe the internet isn’t the best place for you to be asking this stuff. Perhaps speak with a counsellor.

I was wondering if op has learning difficulties or is neurodivergent from the way this is written too?

Hellohelga · Yesterday 13:46

You are actually what I would call a young adult rather than an adult and I’m guessing you are not thinking about moving out just yet. You lost your dad very young and have had to take on board a step dad and now a new baby perhaps. It’s a lot and I can understand you struggling to make sense of it all. Ultimately it’s not your decision though, so you may as well decide to have a positive attitude and go with the flow. As PP said you may love your age gap sibling. Also it may not happen as I guess your mum is in her 40s.

SimpleNovember · Yesterday 13:46

I can understand, reading your replies, why your mum might ask you your opinion. I presume your mum had you very young and therefore is still in a position to have another child. At the end of the day you are now an adult, and I’m sure you would understand if your mum couldn’t give you her full attention after having a baby. You have also had an only child childhood and I understand your worries having gone through so much with your mum but yes sadly for you it isn’t your decision, your mum has obviously just wanted to include you. Change is hard but I think support your mum as much as you can, you may end up loving it!

TheLastSilverSaint · Yesterday 13:48

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:41

@AralVorkosigan
@TemporarilyCantDoMyself
@didnttellasoul

To be completely honest, as a child I probably wanted to stay an only child out of a bit of jealousy: I didn't like the idea of sharing my things or the attention. Today, it's a different story. At first, I put up a lot of resistance because seeing my mother build a relationship with another man just a few months after my father passed away was a hard pill to swallow. For a while, they dated outside the house before he started staying over.

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her. Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore.

You’re almost 20? Then fucking act like it. You sound incredibly self-absorbed and entitled. You’re a grown adult ffs.

LongDarkTeatime · Yesterday 13:48

How old are you @HonestIntentions ?
Basically, are you emotionally an independent adult, or do you still feel like your mum’s child?
It can be difficult fledging, being responsible for your own way forward and feelings. It can also be difficult realising our parents are also independent adults with their own wants and lives apart from us. We’re not always the centre of their worlds (unlike when we were kids).
Can you try and shift your focus onto your way forward, as for you, your mum’s plans and life will be secondary to what you choose to do.

LostWitch · Yesterday 13:48

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:51

That's the same thing my mother told me!
I was really disappointed
😂

I wonder why

If my child told me that my being pregnant was "embarrassing" I would be totally horrified!!

Youdoneedtorun · Yesterday 13:49

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Delphiniumandlupins · Yesterday 13:53

I don't think you should be embarrassed if your mother gets pregnant. Your opinion matters to her because she loves you and if you can explain any concerns you have she can address them with you. There are surely aspects of your life now where she doesn't have a veto, although you might take her thoughts into account. Your life will naturally become more independent of her, probably quite soon, she needs to live her own life too.

Tibirose · Yesterday 13:53

MostlyGhostly · Yesterday 13:42

My ex asked my two adult children this quite a few years ago, before lock down. They were early 20s. He is now 60 and with a (lovely) woman 10 years younger than him who had a history of miscarriages in a previous relationship. She wanted one last shot at children and he asked the DCs what they thought and they said they didn’t want a half sibling. So he told his gf he didn’t want any more children. It still really irritates me that he put such an important decision for them as a couple in the hands of my DC. I can’t help feeling desperately sorry for his partner and I wish they had just made the decision between them based on what was right for them as a couple.

Have to wonder if they were his get out clause, the sad irony is that this poor lady would have probably found she couldn’t have children anyway but would of been slightly kinder to have had the chance to try than him introduce such toxic family dynamics

5128gap · Yesterday 13:54

She isn't asking for your opinion to inform her decision. She's made that.
She's asking your opinion so she can understand how you feel about her decision and what emotions from you that you both will need to navigate.
You need to not see this as an opportunity to persuade her against her choice, but one where you can be honest about your feelings and worries and hopefully together come up with a way to make this as easy as possible for you.
As an adult child, you're very fortunate that your mum is giving you this opportunity as it shows your feelings matter and she wants to support you. She'd be within her rights just to tell you and leave it there, as you're two adult women with your own lives to lead and her days of you as her child to put front and centre of every life choice are behind her, because you should be pursuing your own independent life now.

Youdoneedtorun · Yesterday 13:55

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Overwhelmedandtired · Yesterday 13:56

It definitely shouldn't be phrased as a question when your opinion doesn't matter. In this case, they had obviously decided, which they are completely entitled to do. So you shouldn't have been asked your opinion.

What they have done in a very clumsy way, and what you should have been informed about is that they were planning to have a child so you can then have a little time (at least 9 months notice!) of a potential baby arriving and you can therefore start to make plans to live elsewhere if you would rather not stay in the same house. And I would recommend you do this. If you were to stay, I can see them asking for lots of help, childcare etc. You will also be disturbed through the night, no matter how hard they tried not to. A baby always becomes a higher priority as they need more care and have greater demands than an adult child.

Sorry you were made to feel like your feelings didn't matter. They were absolutely allowed to make the decision without consulting you, but could definitely have presented their decision more compassionately given the impact on your life.

CrapADoodleCupcake · Yesterday 13:56

OP can you explain why you’d find it embarrassing to see your mum pregnant? There’s nothing remotely embarrassing about a woman being pregnant. You sound incredibly immature!

GoodGirlFaith · Yesterday 13:57

Merrybandofpirates · Yesterday 13:29

I mean this genuinely, not as an insult or sarcasm, do you have learning difficulties? Because your behaviour and attitude here are really very odd, and almost worrying.

When making a big decision, most people ask family or friends for advice to gain a new perspective. But it’s just to help us make an informed choice - your opinion doesn’t really hope much weight. She can ask what she likes of you just as a discussion, but the decision will be hers.

To say you would lose all respect for her if she chose not to have a child due to her existing child… what? I have two kids. Split from their dad 13 years ago. I have a new partner, long term. We have discussed kids but ultimately, I don’t want a blended family or half siblings and inheritance issues or anything else so I’m not having more kids due to the kids I already have - it’s best for them if I don’t. Am I not worthy of respect?

If I change my mind and decide to have kids, and plan it carefully and protect assets etc, then should my children “feel pain” and be right to demand that I should have given them a day? No. It isn’t their decision. Just like this isn’t your decision.

It is time for you to grow up and start acting your age. You are behaving like a child, which is why I think you have some SEN and maybe the internet isn’t the best place for you to be asking this stuff. Perhaps speak with a counsellor.

'I mean this genuinely, not as an insult or sarcasm, do you have learning difficulties? Because your behaviour and attitude here are really very odd, and almost worrying.'

It really isn't when you consider that the OP is only 20 years old, has already lost her father and adjusted to life with her mother and stepfather.

The way she feels is perfectly understandable to me.

ilovethehols · Yesterday 13:58

Troll. Surely to god

Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely · Yesterday 13:59

Sadly op you may need to face the fact your dm has had sex more than the time of your conception

Cherrytree86 · Yesterday 14:02

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:51

That's the same thing my mother told me!
I was really disappointed
😂

@HonestIntentions

why though?

maybe you could live with friends or in a house share? It can be a lot of fun!

katzrooldogzdrool · Yesterday 14:05

Why is being an only child so important to you? Do you lack a clear sense of your own identity?

Scout2016 · Yesterday 14:09

You need to start seeing your mother as a person in her own right rather than an extension of you.
She and your father separated years ago. She has been seeing someone else for years. They want a child together.

That's it. She can ask your view but you don't get a vote. Just means she is now going into it knowing your views. How you respond is for you to decide - I suggest you at least try to support her if it happens.

Also, I hate to break it to you but mums have sex too. Sorry if seeing them pregnant reminds you of that fact but you are 19, you need to grow up.

DraigCymraeg · Yesterday 14:10

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 11:36

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

It's not any of your business what Mum and her new boyfriend decide to do.

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