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Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

228 replies

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 11:36

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

OP posts:
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didnttellasoul · Yesterday 12:09

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

Why was your wish to remain an only child? Most children do not get to choose if this is the case or not.

Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely · Yesterday 12:11

Just wow.

I had dc with a new dh when i had adult dc...i certainly didn't discuss it or ask their permission..

missmoz · Yesterday 12:16

But you're not a child anymore...you're an adult? So perhaps move out and have a different relationship with your mother

OneandFiveOnly · Yesterday 12:17

You’re a grown up. Act like one.

This is none of your business

AralVorkosigan · Yesterday 12:18

I think you need to separate “asking for your opinion” from “asking for your permission”.

Let’s give you an example to help you see what I mean:

Last night I asked my 9 year old where he wants to go on holiday over the winter break.

Today I’m booking a holiday to a completely different place.

I was interested to hear about what he likes the sound of, what he’d like to do on holiday, and what he would be anxious about with a holiday plan. Now I know his thoughts, so when I tell him where we are actually going I can frame it in a way that works for him/avoids any upset or bad feeling.

So for example - he doesn’t want to be by the beach because he learnt about tsunamis in school and is afraid of them, we are actually going to the coast but now I know he has this irrational fear I can tell him that I’ve checked carefully and the place we’re going has no natural disasters and is very safe.

I’d guess in the same way, your mum is inviting a conversation about your feelings, any concerns you might have. But she’s not giving you a veto or even a right to object or make a fuss about her choices.

LostWitch · Yesterday 12:19

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

"my wish was to remain an only child"

Why? Are you worried about sharing her affection? or your inheritance?

You sound like you are not a child any more (maturity aside) so why does it matter?

Ilovelifeverymuch · Yesterday 12:21

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

Girl this is a weird mindset, she has always known your wish is to remain an only child 😂, sorry but what's not your decision to make.

Maybe it's time to move out and stand on your two feet so your mother and her partner can also move on with their lives rather than this weird enmeshment that is going on.

She was telling you so it's not a surprise and while you don't make the decision you can still share how you feel the fact that you think you should be the deciding factor is ridiculous, immature and entitled.

How old exactly are you?

OrigamiOwls · Yesterday 12:25

She's not asking your permission, she is making you aware of what the future might hold for her and her partner. You don't get a say in the reproductive choices of other women, as much as you may disagree with them.

Are you looking to move out? You need to be moving your own life forward.

godmum56 · Yesterday 12:35

OneandFiveOnly · Yesterday 12:17

You’re a grown up. Act like one.

This is none of your business

Edited

This. Kindly meant to OP but get a grip

Happyjoe · Yesterday 12:35

Why are you so adamant about being an only child?

Nottodaty · Yesterday 12:35

My parents had me very young.

In their late 30’s they both met new partners who where both younger than them .

I now have a brother who is younger than my daughter- the decision to have the child was nothing to do with me.

I love my brother to bits even with a 25 year age gap ! He is an only child so has ended up close with my daughter and they have more a brother/sister relationship more than I have with him :)

PinkDaffs · Yesterday 12:36

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

OP, you are way too involved in your mum's personal life.

I'm confused about why you think it is relevant that you always wanted to be an only child and why you think your opinion should not take a back seat? Tbh, whilst it would be nice if you were happy about their decision, your opinion on it should not even have a seat, not even a back one.

If you don't like your mum's choices, then move out (presuming you are an adult?)

How old are you, OP?

MajorProcrastination · Yesterday 12:37

I'm sorry what?

Are you an adult?

But you feel that your mum should take into account your wish to be an only child?

She is an adult. It is her body, her home, her relationship and partner.

Are you planning to live with her and her partner forever?

Why would you want to prevent them from having a child/children together?

You can have all the feelings about it but I really don't think it's your place to dictate whether they have a baby.

This post feels like a storyline in a novel.

Hibiscus27 · Yesterday 12:38

I’d have liked to be an only child, but alas, my parents had my sister first

malefields · Yesterday 12:39

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

I don’t think you are a genuine poster based on the “fait accompli” bit. There was some issue/suspicion with this not long ago in a different post.

Nice try though.

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:41

@AralVorkosigan
@TemporarilyCantDoMyself
@didnttellasoul

To be completely honest, as a child I probably wanted to stay an only child out of a bit of jealousy: I didn't like the idea of sharing my things or the attention. Today, it's a different story. At first, I put up a lot of resistance because seeing my mother build a relationship with another man just a few months after my father passed away was a hard pill to swallow. For a while, they dated outside the house before he started staying over.

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her. Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore.

OP posts:
AutumnOakTree · Yesterday 12:42

I think you’re overthinking this. They’re not asking for permission to have a child, but are letting you know they are considering it, and are gauging your reaction to it.

How old are you all?

Laurmolonlabe · Yesterday 12:42

Just leave, if you are not 18 yet leave as soon as you are.

AutumnOakTree · Yesterday 12:44

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:41

@AralVorkosigan
@TemporarilyCantDoMyself
@didnttellasoul

To be completely honest, as a child I probably wanted to stay an only child out of a bit of jealousy: I didn't like the idea of sharing my things or the attention. Today, it's a different story. At first, I put up a lot of resistance because seeing my mother build a relationship with another man just a few months after my father passed away was a hard pill to swallow. For a while, they dated outside the house before he started staying over.

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her. Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore.

When my ds was in lower school. We had a mum whose youngest child was younger than her grandchildren, and they all went to the same school . She had a second family with a new husband. No one thought anything of it.

Life happens.

SandyCastles · Yesterday 12:46

If you are genuine then I think you may be misunderstanding her intention.

She isn't asking your permission, she is showing you a great deal of consideration by asking your thoughts on the matter as it will affect your future as an adult who lives with them, if you were mature you would understand that without having seek outside guidance.

DeanGaffneysPenisBeaker · Yesterday 12:47

Scrambledomelette · Yesterday 11:57

Do you live at home, op? Are you at risk of having to bunk up with a baby sibling?

it says in the very first sentence that OP lives with them

DelphiniumBlue · Yesterday 12:47

She’s trying to soften it. She knows you won’t like it, but it’s her trying to talk it through with you. Obviously in the end it’s her choice whether to have a baby with her long term partner, not yours, but she’s trying to be gentle about it to you.
Maybe because it was just you and her for a while, she has discussed adult matters with you, but this is really not something on which your views count. She is being courteous, that’s all.
Obviously you will have strong feelings about the choice itself and the fact that although it will impact you, you don’t really have a say. It might feel unfair, but it would also be unfair if your preference led to this man not having his own child, or your mothers relationship being put at risk.
I don’t know how old you are, probably a teenager, but at some point you will be moving out of your mother’s home and forging a life for yourself. At that point, you may well be happy that your mother has a partner and another child, so that she is not too dependent on you.

Taytoface · Yesterday 12:47

Time for you to fly the coop me thinks.

didnttellasoul · Yesterday 12:48

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:41

@AralVorkosigan
@TemporarilyCantDoMyself
@didnttellasoul

To be completely honest, as a child I probably wanted to stay an only child out of a bit of jealousy: I didn't like the idea of sharing my things or the attention. Today, it's a different story. At first, I put up a lot of resistance because seeing my mother build a relationship with another man just a few months after my father passed away was a hard pill to swallow. For a while, they dated outside the house before he started staying over.

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her. Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore.

I think you should move out, tbh.

PinkyFlamingo · Yesterday 12:50

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

This just gets weirder! Noone gets a choice whether they remain an only child or not! How odd and controlling !

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