Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

[HonestIntentions]

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

Oh, don’t be silly. The OP is being ridiculously self-dramatising and is aggrieved her mother didn’t hand over permission to decide what to do with her fertility. She’s almost 20. Time to move out and build her own independent life.

Would you rather that she'd decided to just spring it on you out of the blue when it happens. Like "hey, guess what? I'm pregnant with your baby sibling!"?

As multiple people have said, she did not ask for permission, she asked how you'd feel. She just wants to know what she's dealing with and how to handle things.

My mum had me when she was 15, I have a brother 2 years younger than me,mum went on to get remarried and started having more children when I turned 15. There's 26 years difference between me and my youngest sister. I am now in my 50s and she is in her early 30s we have always been exceptionally close.

'Not everyone here is an adult.'

Indeed.

'Seriously "embarassed" by her mother being pregnant??'

I imagine the OP felt that they could admit this on an anonymous internet forum. I overlooked this comment because I understood the many adjustments the OP has already faced at a young age.

I think by making it clear you have no part in the decision making process, your mother is being extraordinarily kind.

Imagine if you (or anyone in that situation) gave an opinion and then later saw the consequences and regretted it. The pain and guilt would be awful.

Your mum is saying you don’t have to carry that burden.

Im assuming your Mum is early 40’s given your age and her wish for another child.
I know lots of people who have gone on to have more children with a new partner when their other children are late teens/early 20’s.
You used to want to be an only child as you didn’t want to share, surely that no longer counts because at 20 you’re thinking of your own life and what you want to do with it?
As long as she’s not expecting you to help look after a tiny sibling etc I’m not sure what the issue is now you are fully grown yourself.

No you don't ask Children if they want a sibling. Ever. Adult or child. It's absolutely none of their business. You inform them once said sibling is on the way at a time you feel comfortable.

You are a 20 year old adult! She doesn’t need to ask your permission! Maybe it is time for you to move out?!

Speaking as the eldest of 6, I don't think your wish 'to remain an only child' is reasonable. It's not your choice, it's your mother's.

It's great having siblings!

You are acting a bit like a kid though! Why on Earth would it be embarrassing to see your mother pregnant? I've got friends where the age gap is 19/20 years between them and their half siblings from their mums second relationship. I don't get your reaction at all.

I assumed male and possibly ND judging by the tone of the posts.

Have to be honest I would've found it a bit cringe if my mum got pregnant when I was that age. However I would've kept out of it and realised it was none of my business.

Shee moved on and remarried and hopes to have a child that’s normal. That’s very very normal when people meet a new partner. You’ve been warned in advance things are changing. So I would start planning on what you want from your life and where you want to live OP.

(I have much younger half siblings same age as my DC)

Seems quite likely.

Wow people are being so harsh!!! It's totally natural at the age of 20 that OP would potentially find it difficult that her mother is starting over again with a new baby and new family. It must be bringing up all kinds of stuff for her- especially since her father has passed. OP is only 20 and just beginning life as a young adult, there's still so much learning and growing to do. She's still living at home! (Which is not at all unusual these days, lots of kids haven't yet finished uni). I can't believe how obtuse people are being.

OP you are allowed to feel how ever you feel and that's ok. You can't control your mum's choices, and she's fully entitled to make them, regardless of how you feel. At the same time, your feelings are valid and you are allowed to feel them.

Give yourself grace and time. You may come to love your little sibling and reach a point where you can't imagine your world without them xx

I still dont understand how this would "cause you pain" ...?

I understand that you have a special relationship with your mom as an only child, so it is natural to have some feelings of jealousy. But, as you have said, you are not a kid. You need to realise that beyond being your mother, she is also a woman, with her own choice on whether or not she wants more kids. As a child that is sometimes hard to process, especially when the child will have a different father to yours. But as an adult, you can understand the complexity and delicacy of the situation better. It doesn't mean that your jealousy will go away, you just manage it better and support your mother.
Tbh I was somewhat sympathetic till you said you would be embarrassed by your mother's pregnancy. That is shameful. Why? Presumably your mother provided you a loving and warm childhood, so why treat her with such apathy?

Doesnt matter that your wish was to be an only child. Its up to her not you.

Although having a baby just because a new partner wants one isnt ideal. 🤷‍♀️

How old are you all ?

Since you seem to be struggling with a fairly basic exercise in empathy and perspective taking, I asked chat gpt to help you.

"I think there are some quite profound psychological reasons why this might be painful, particularly given that the 20-year-old has always been an only child and their father has died.

The important thing is that the arrival of a new baby might not simply feel like gaining a sibling. It might feel like a fundamental reorganisation of the family they have known all their life.
Several things could be happening simultaneously.

1. The loss of an exclusive relationship with their surviving parent
For 20 years, they have been their parent's only child. That relationship may be particularly important following the death of their father.

The arrival of a baby means that the surviving parent's attention, emotional investment and identity as a parent will now be shared.
Intellectually, the young adult might understand that parental love isn't finite. Emotionally, however, they might experience something closer to displacement.

And because they're 20, they might feel ashamed of experiencing what seems like childish jealousy.

2. The baby represents a new family that doesn't include their father
I think this could be particularly significant.
The original family consisted of three people. One has died. The surviving parent is now creating another family with somebody else.
That can produce a painful sense that the original family is being replaced rather than simply expanded.

The new baby will have two living parents, while the 20-year-old has lost one of theirs.
They may also feel that their surviving parent is moving into a new chapter of life while they themselves are still grieving the previous one.
This isn't necessarily resentment towards the baby or the new partner. It can be grief about the family that no longer exists.

3. A sense of being left behind
There is something potentially very painful about watching a parent start again.
The parent may be experiencing renewed excitement, intimacy and hope for the future. Their adult child may feel that they belong to an earlier, sadder chapter of that parent's life.
The baby represents the future, while the older child may feel associated with the past.
Of course, that doesn't mean the parent actually sees things this way. But it might be how the situation is experienced.

4. The difference between having a sibling and becoming a sibling at 20
For someone who has grown up with siblings, sharing a parent's attention has always been part of the family structure.
For an only child of 20, that structure has never existed.

They have an established understanding of who they are within the family, and suddenly that position changes.

And unlike a younger child, they won't necessarily grow up alongside their sibling. By the time the baby is 10, they'll be 30.
They may feel less like a sibling and more like someone watching a different family develop.

5. The painful asymmetry of parental loss
This strikes me as particularly poignant.
The new baby gets to experience the surviving parent from the very beginning, alongside another parent.

The 20-year-old has lost their father, but now has to watch another child enjoy the intact two-parent family that they themselves can no longer have.

That could reawaken grief, even if the father's death was several years ago.
It may also provoke feelings of unfairness that are difficult to articulate without sounding as though they begrudge an innocent baby its happiness.

6. Feeling that they ought to be happy
At 20, they may feel enormous pressure to respond maturely and generously.
They might genuinely love their parent, want them to be happy, and recognise that the baby is something wonderful.
But simultaneously feel devastated.
Those emotions aren't contradictory. You can be happy for somebody and still grieve what their happiness seems to mean for you.

What interests me most psychologically is that the arrival of this baby could reactivate two different losses: the actual loss of their father, and the symbolic loss of the family identity that survived his death.
And the second loss might be quite unexpected, because the young adult may have assumed that, whatever else changed, they would always remain their surviving parent's only child.

I agree that you should move out. It's your time to be independent and break away from the nuclear family, especially as you are so resistant to the new family that has been formed.

Well you sound like a stereotypical only child to me - entitled and selfish and thinks the whole world revolves around you

I think she’s not asking for your permission/approval, but deep down wanting your blessing…..

if you always wanted to be an only child, then congratulations, your wish was granted. You were an only child for the whole of your childhood. But you need to recognise that you are no longer a child. You no longer need nurturing from your mum.

It would perhaps be a lot better for you to be fully concentrating on your own future happiness and totally involved in building your way towards whatever path you have chosen. Your own life is in front of you and you must steer your own way forward in your own way.

Your mum must be young enough to be considering another pregnancy and everything that goes with bringing up a child. None of that decision making or planning is your concern.

Centre yourself and busy yourself in planning your own life OP and I think you will feel much happier. Good luck !

It’s no wonder people are turning to AI to talk through their problems when it seems to be so much more understanding than most of the supposed humans on this thread.

That's such an odd dynamic that I think you need a bit of distance between you.

If you’re an adult, I struggle to see why you should have a say? Yes youre entitled to feel how you want but by the time you’re an adult you should understand that the world doesn’t revolve round you and this is a decision between your mum & partner.
personally I’d keep any negative thoughts to myself as it’s not your place to sway them

Do you have siblings, because if you do they didn't help make you a nice person