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Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

228 replies

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 11:36

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Username7258 · Yesterday 11:40

Sounds like a bit of a weird relationship where neither of you can decide if you're an adult or a child.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · Yesterday 11:42

How old are you alll?
seeking your views and taking them into consideration isn’t the same as giving you the final say on decision making btw.

Needmorelego · Yesterday 11:42

Why would her having another child cause you pain?

Gingerbreadseasoniscoming · Yesterday 11:42

It's not your choice, in the same way it's never (or should never be) a sibling's choice whether they have younger siblings. So you shouldn't try and persuade her not to, it's not your body and you don't have that right. She's letting you know they are planning on having a child (which may or may not happen). You are then in charge of your own emotions.

IronEverything · Yesterday 11:43

Sounds like she's having a baby just to please a man. Recipe for disaster and extremely unfair on any child brought into the world for that reason.

Scrambledomelette · Yesterday 11:43

Why does she feel that she needs to placate you before she moves on with this?

rainbowstardrops · Yesterday 11:45

How old are you and your mum? It all sounds a bit odd to me.

NorwegianForest · Yesterday 11:46

OP, this decision is between your mum and her partner. It's not reasonable for you to expect a say in the matter. That doesn't mean you have to be delighted about it, but you shouldn't expect them to change their minds based on your reaction.

ThatLoudCat · Yesterday 11:48

Weird. Did she actually ask you? It doesn't say in your main post.

You shouldn't expect a say in your mum's reproductive choices though.

Blogswife · Yesterday 11:49

I don’t understand why you both feel that she should ask you for your opinion ? . Of course she should be telling you once she’s visibly pregnant but not consulting you about the decision to have a child !

IncompleteSenten · Yesterday 11:50

If your mum has asked you this question you should tell her that it's not your decision to make, it's between her and her partner.

didnttellasoul · Yesterday 11:53

Parents don’t usually ask children if they want a sibling; they don’t need their approval

Won’t you be moving out at some point in the near future if you’re an adult?

MercurialMagda · Yesterday 11:55

Feel however you want to about it but you don’t get to decide whether a woman chooses to have a child or not

AralVorkosigan · Yesterday 11:57

Well it might make sense to let you know that she’s planning to have another child, especially if you still live with her, as obviously a baby in the household will make for a very different environment.

So I can see why she wanted to have a conversation about it, let you know, and give you a chance to air any thoughts or feelings you might have.

But of course you don’t get any kind of say or veto over this. Bluntly it’s her life, her body and her decision.

So you’ve asked how you should behave. You should thank her for letting you know her plans, start making decisions about your future work/study/living arrangements based on the possibility of there being a baby in the household, and then you should be supportive of your mother.

Scrambledomelette · Yesterday 11:57

Do you live at home, op? Are you at risk of having to bunk up with a baby sibling?

Livpool · Yesterday 12:01

Well it should only ever be the decision of the 2 would be parents. Your view doesn’t really matter.

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

OP posts:
Scrambledomelette · Yesterday 12:03

What pain?

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:04

...

OP posts:
HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:05

AralVorkosigan · Yesterday 11:57

Well it might make sense to let you know that she’s planning to have another child, especially if you still live with her, as obviously a baby in the household will make for a very different environment.

So I can see why she wanted to have a conversation about it, let you know, and give you a chance to air any thoughts or feelings you might have.

But of course you don’t get any kind of say or veto over this. Bluntly it’s her life, her body and her decision.

So you’ve asked how you should behave. You should thank her for letting you know her plans, start making decisions about your future work/study/living arrangements based on the possibility of there being a baby in the household, and then you should be supportive of your mother.

Yes, maybe so ; Thanks

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · Yesterday 12:06

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

I think you sound quite entitled. There’s no reason it should cause you pain unless you have some issues to resolve in therapy.

I think your mum wants to know how you feel so she can carefully manage the situation, not so you can decide what she as an adult does with her Body.

it might not even happen at her age.

Savvysix1984 · Yesterday 12:06

I think women (and men) are mad to have children again when they have adult dc. Sounds like if she never wanted another with your dad then maybe she was done and she’s doing it now for the new man.

it was wrong of her to ask your opinion when she already had her mind made up. She should’ve just said this is what we’re doing.

how old are you all?

shellyleppard · Yesterday 12:07

Op if you are an adult you might be moving out at some point?

ThatLoudCat · Yesterday 12:07

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:02

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

You are already an adult so you have been an only child for your entire childhood.

TemporarilyCantDoMyself · Yesterday 12:07

How old are you @HonestIntentions ?

Do you have any insight into why you've always been wedded to the idea of staying as an only child?

What are your adult plans?

Wishing you all the best. You might find you fall in love with your baby sibling!