Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

[HonestIntentions]

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

You're allowed to feel how you feel, and you may need some support with that outside of your relationship with your Mum.

However, your Mum deserves happiness. She can't revolve her life around your wants and needs forever, foregoing her own happiness in favour of yours - it's not healthy.

I'm bias I suppose. I was 21 when my sister was born, and although it's not exactly a traditional sibling relationship, it's wonderful and I love her unconditionally. Wouldn't have it any other way - she's also an adult now, she's the most amazing Aunt.

"my wish was to remain an only child"

No child can dictate to her parents whether they have more children. The fact that you have convinced yourself that you're entitled both to feel that way and to express it is your problem alone.

My father was a widower with a young daughter when he met and married my mother. My half-sister was exactly your age when their youngest child was born, but she was truly an adult - living independently as she finished training as a nurse. Her new baby sister was just an enjoyable addition to the family on her visits home and had absolutely no impact on her life. Perhaps it's time for you to work towards being an independent adult too?

It's effectively a choice between "I want to be an only child" and "I want to be a father". I'd say the latter is more important, as long as your mother wants it too. If you're old enough to post on MN I'm guessing you will go your own way soon and won't have to live in that house much longer.

I was in your shoes - my half brother was born when I was a teenager. Babies are cute. My only issue is that given the age difference, my children are growing up without first cousins of similar age.

You sound a bit like my ex's daughter (except she wasn't an only child.) She hated the idea of me when her dad met me and is unhappy that my DS exists. I don't think it's a coincidence she got pregnant not long after DS was born.

Doesnt sound like she was asking if you wanted it/your permission. She was telling you this is what is happening and she will hold space for whatever feelings you have about it without it changing her mind. Good for her.

Its not your choice and you wanting to be an only child...your not a child anymore. Its between your mum and her partner

I had a friend who's Mum had another baby when we were 19, so almost your age. She wasn't happy about it, but once her baby sister arrived she adored her. We are in our 50's now, the baby mid 30's, a Mum herself and they are so close. It might not be the disaster you think it will be. Either way it's your Mum's choice ultimately.

You are not entitled to any say on whether your mum has another child or not. It’s quite selfish of you to only think about what you want. It doesn’t actually sound like your mum is asking you if you want a sibling as a deciding factor for her, she knows how you feel and is letting you know what she wants.

You both sound incredibly disfunctional (trying to be polite here 😂)

That is exactly what hurts me: asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice. She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father. Putting me in front of a fait accompli only shows that, even though she knows how much pain this causes me, it takes a back seat.

Honestly, you sound like a brat! An adult brat, maybe,but a brat all the same!
It's none of your business if another adult, even if it is one of your parents, has another child. The only thing you would reasonably have a say in is whether or not you help by babysitting this future child or not. Anything beyond that, get over it.

OP, I think you’re getting some harsh responses here. I don’t think many people have noticed how young you are, or have considered how young you must have been when you lost your father. I bet most of the actual fully grown adult women responding to you still have their fathers in their lives, never got pushed out of their homes at 19 and never had a new baby sibling when they were your age.

I’m not saying that means your mum shouldn’t have a baby if that’s what they both want, but I definitely have more sympathy for your feelings here than a lot of posters seem to.

Your mother probably just wants your approval. It's her life and her choice but she cares about you also. You should support her, one day it may be you that needs the support.

You are nearly twenty, you should be building your own life and family rather than still needing this much attention and validation from your mother that you can’t bear the idea of her having a baby. I think some counselling to help you make sense of this dependence would be a good idea.

Grown 'adult' women (mothers) here insulting a 19 year old woman who has lost her father, had to adjust to life with her mother and stepfather, is now contemplating further changes in her life and is simply asking: 'I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave?'

Do those of you asking if the OP has 'learning difficulties', telling her to 'get a grip', telling her that she is 'entitled' etc. not actually even attempt to think?

Mumsnet can be vicious at the best of times, but this makes very unpleasant reading.

Completely agree - definitely feels like people attacking her and not having much empathy - she is entitled to her feelings and sounds like she hasn't maybe processed her Dad's death properly - she is asking for some help here to process and doesn't deserve some of the very unpleasant attacks! Have some empathy MN!

'on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.'

What say???

She not 'asking' you she is telling you. Its so it doesn't blindside you, literally as you say she has said its so you can process your emotions about getting a sibling. She told you you have no say in what she is doing so how did you get to the idea you are being 'asked'?

Other peoples fertility is none of your business, you never have any say in another couple having a baby or not so its really bizarre you jumped to the conclusion that you should have a say or that being told means you get an opinion.

How old are you ?

It's interesting that some people have assumed that OP is a man and others have assumed female when neither is mentioned

OP, am sorry about the loss of your DF. Even though your parents had seperated akready, you were all still in the "family" home, so it must be hard to then have stepfather move in, followed by potential upheaval of a new baby.

It sounds like DM was trying to give you space to talk about your feelings - "I know you wont like this, but its my decision".

So maybe take that opportunity - tell her how you feel whilst being certain to acknowledge that you know you dont have a say in her choices.

Why don't people read the thread? The OP has said they are 19, almost 20

OP - I always wanted a sibling (my parents, although together until my dad passed when I was 13 didn't like each other enough to have more than one)

My mum has now been diagnosed with a terminal illness and believe me I wish I had someone who knows how it feels and will be around to share the load

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her.

Because of this^^ I think you realise this isn't really about being asked and not having a say, that's just a deflection from looking at why you are so hurt by the idea. You've said barely anything here so it's hard to even guess at what's going on that's helped make you feel this way, but it's likely to do with feelings about your childhood. It might be worth trying to access some counseling, or even just using an AI bot to work through why you're feeling this way and what you can do to get yourself to a more secure place and not let it control your life or make it less happy.

I think you will be surprised how quickly you adapt to having a baby sibling, and you are likely to regard him/her as a joyous addition to your life, plus seeing your mum and stepdad happy will be lovely.

So just move out and go and be an adult somewhere else where you’re not going to have to deal with the signs your mother has sex?

Few things stay the same over time. Letting people (your mum in this case) be themselves and looking for the current and new connections between you and close family is important as time passes and things change, you’ll obviously retain the history too. Try to make this a win win. Eventually you will start your own life separately. Will your mum get input into how many children you decide to have?

Not everyone here is an adult, or a woman, or a mother.

OP is 19 - she may be young, but she is an adult. Even at that age,you should be aware that you cannot dictate your parents lives. Seriously "embarassed" by her mother being pregnant??

The way I see it she’s raised you as an only child whilst you were young. You’re an adult now so legally you could move out and have your own children. It’s up to her if she wants another baby not you. I think you need to get over it really