Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

[HonestIntentions]

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

Agree and it’s absolutely not your business.

She has always known that my wish was to remain an only child, even in the past with my father.

This is by the OP. I don't think all this is about the sad death of his/her father or feeling supplanted but something else that the OP needs to examine for themselves. She/he is not a child and while children can be understood for struggling with a change in family dynamics that they don't really 'get' , OP is old enough to recognise that their parent has a life too.

I actually feel they need outside help to unpick why they feel as they do.

You’re only 19 so it’s horrible your mum is prioritising her toy boy boyfriend and not you. Most teens/early 20s do not move out permanently nowadays. If my mum had done this (asking me to move out so she could have another baby) our relationship would never recover.

Also if she actually wanted another child she would’ve done so years ago when you were a young child. Sounds like she is desperate to keep her toy boy and so she prioritises him.

You are 20 so basically still a young adult. But you are being petulant and selfish by wanting to be an only child.

Your mother I hope is simply floating the idea so that you are used to the fact this could happen when it does.

@Ilikeyoga

you love the phrase “toy boy” don’t you!

very misogynistic.

Do you think OP’s mother shouldn’t end her relationship then to appease her son/daughter?

Hilarious, some of us were married with our own kids by 19, my DD had been working full time for 3 years and owned her own house by 19

I don't think the propensity to treat late teenagers as if they're 2 is doing them any favours. With the rights (voting, marrying who you want, driving, etc) come responsibilities, including those of cognition, and unless there is some definite reason like a learning disability that makes this unfeasible, expecting a nearly 20 year old to behave at least a bit like an adult is not unreasonable.

Couldn’t agree more, my parents absolutely there for when I needed them and same with my DC, we don’t mind helping out if can and like to treat them to meal out etc once in a while but by 20s it was very much mutual, DC in their 20s will babysit if needed (just as a favour not for payment) just as I’ll make Sunday lunch for us all

No, it doesn’t make any sense and would be inviting unnecessary trouble.

Why would having a younger sibling cause you pain? It wouldn’t mean that your mother loves you any less or that you’d be kicked out of the family.

You don't get to decide if your mother has another child. You don't get to decide if you remain her only child or not.
It's entirely your mother and her partner's decision. End of.

It’s a term for a much younger bf. Not sure if theres a term for a younger gf. Relationship is fine but not if it involves her mum prioritising her bf over her own daughter. She only wants another child to appease her bf and that would involve kicking her daughter out!

Most people don’t own their own home at 19 unless they have family money. Most teens don’t have babies. Unless this was 50 years ago? I went to college and then university as most teens do so it’s rare nowadays for a 16 year old to work full time. Regardless I don’t think it’s nice for a mum to kick her very young adult dd out the house.

I want to reply to all of you, even though reading certain things has truly left me stunned. If I decided to write on this forum, it was because I was willing to question myself, hoping to find a civil discussion and talk with mature people; instead, I only found a total lack of empathy and heavy judgments, taken personally right away without knowing anything about my story.

First of all, let me remind you where we're starting from: my father passed away, and just a few months later my mother had already brought this man into our house. Talking with such coldness about the discomfort of a guy who is almost 20, studies at university, and is still trying to process a bereavement and such a massive family change is absurd. And it's even worse to read adults acting almost smug about saying that doors should be shut in children's faces.

Certain comments then almost bordered on sadism when I was reminded, in an out-of-line tone, that 'parents have sex.' Thank you for the information, I could figure that out perfectly on my own, but dealing with those thoughts and seeing a pregnancy or a baby bump so soon after my father's death just rubs that intimacy in my face during a painful moment. Anyway, since we've now moved into her partner's house, the place is big and my mom told me I can take the whole attic floor for myself: I'll definitely do that, also to have more privacy, since it bothers me too—while I'm studying or working on the computer in my room—knowing they are locking themselves in their bedroom.

As for the topic of couple choices, I was the one who said I would have little respect for a woman who gives up having a child just because her child forbids it, because I think certain decisions should belong only to the couple; but it's also true that we should stop and think about the enormous practical and emotional difficulties that are created at home when bringing children into the world with such an exaggerated age gap.

In the end, I feel much more mature than many of you and I'm at peace—too much to let myself be affected by such misplaced comments and attacks that have nothing to do with a parenting community. I wish you all the best and I truly hope your children never find themselves in the position of having to justify their own pain in front of people who only know how to point fingers.

Have you.. looked around at the world recently?? Can you imagine that her just moving out might be quite difficult to do?

No this was through her own and her partner’s hard solid work from the age of 16, working in public facing roles through the pandemic. They saved up the 5% deposit and fees themselves. They are both now degree educated professionals, having done uni alongside full time work and paying a mortgage. I was a mother at 18 as was my mother before me and we’ve both got degrees. It didn’t sound like her mother was chucking her out, but if an adult DC is going to behave like a petulant teen then is it any wonder she has suggested it better for her to get her own place.

I presumed you were female - sorry! Ignore the bitter people on this thread. They probably bought houses when they were £5000 or rent was £100 a month and food and bills were cheap. You’re grieving and very young and your mum is rushing with ideas of babies. You sound more mature than a lot of people on this website.

@HonestIntentions

why not move into university halls of residence or share a house with your pals? Then you could have more distance between your mum and her partner?

Clearly not female-far too self indulgent

Sounds like the perfect solution

So they worked full time 16-19 (no education then) and there’s 2 of them to make that 5% deposit. Far easier when it’s 2 people and 5% is low which means a high mortgage. Somehow got into uni despite no A levels? Unless they did A Levels after 19. How does someone do full time work with uni? Unless uni was part time.

Regardless, OP is 19 and at university so can’t work full time, just part time. And doesn’t have a partner to split costs with. Have some compassion as the poor boy has lost his dad!

@Ilikeyoga

he can move into uni halls of residence or into a house/flat with mates though?

I absolutely have sympathy regarding losing a parent but I understand your parents had separated prior to the dad loss of your father?
Your mother is entitled to live her own life and have some happiness, and it sounds like she has been supportive enough to continue you living in her home as an adult. We have 25 years+ between my eldest and youngest, they adore their big siblings and vice versa, just as it should be

PP might like to keep in mind the massively high cost of living, halls of residence, flat shares and student loans. Much easier said than done to "just move out."

What curious characters! And what would these signs be?