Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

[HonestIntentions]

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

Your mother is preparing you for the prospect of becoming a big sister.
She knows you find change almost unbearable.

She's giving you time to process your emotions and be adult enough to realise that you have your own life to take charge of now while she makes decisions to suit herself and her partner.

You sound like an absolute joy to have as a son 😵‍💫 no less one still living at home

I’m going to add - you say you are hurt that she is “asking for my opinion when there is no room for my voice”. Here you are making a very common mistake - you think that people are only listening to you if they end up doing what you say. But that’s just not true! She has asked for your thoughts, she has listened to you, she has given you an opportunity to air any concerns. But she is not giving you control here (nor should she).

Reading the thread again, OP you sound like you still have a lot of growing up to do. Focus on building your adult life

Oh dear OP you sound very immature. Within a decade you’ll most likely have your own partner and child. Would you prefer that your DM and her partner don’t ever move on?

You said yourself that your parents had separated before your Dad died. You should be happy that your DM has found happiness after what sounds like years of unhappiness. Why shouldn’t she want a child with the man she loves, who her loves?

She’s found happiness and you’re banging on about wanting to stay as an only child? You’re 20! A grown woman! You need to get on board, and when I say that I mean properly get on board, or move out.

In years to come you’re going to look back on this time and the way you’ve behaved, and cringe. There’s still plenty of time to make things right. So in the nicest way, grow up and support your DM.

@HonestIntentions I think you are getting a very hard time on this thread

However it turns out, I think many 'first family' offspring feel disturbed or insecure to see their parent with new baby, new family. Watching your Mum become Mum to a new baby with a man who is not your dad so will prioritise his new baby - whatever the best intentions.

Many MNers are very blasé about the potential impact of a new baby on 'first family' Dc - I would love to see what a community of TeensNet from blended . first and second families would say.

And of course it's worse if your Mum suggests you should move out!

You are 19, still young, still feeling that you want your Mum as your Mum.

Tough as it is though, the best way of keeping her close will be to be close to the new baby, if she gets pregnant,

Grow up

She was asking how you feel, not for your permission. It's not up to you, nor should it be.

Why are so many asking if the OP still lives at home?It's right there in the first sentence of the OP.

There's quite a lot involved here. OP, you've lost your father (my condolences) and had to adjust to life with your mum and stepdad, who sounds like an amazing role model.

I imagine there's a fair bit of protectiveness there, along with a desire to keep your lovely little household of three safe and secure; perhaps wanting to keep others out.

I think the way you're feeling is completely understandable given the circumstances and when you consider everything you've been through and how much in your life has altered.

I can also see things from your mum's point of view. She wants to prepare you for the possibility that a new little member of the family might come along at some point.

You've been honest with your mum about how you feel, and you can never go wrong with honesty.

You will adjust to life with a new little sibling, I'm sure.

Good luck. x

No children get to decide if their parent has another child - it's just a fact of life. I don't understand people getting twisted up about something they know they have no control over or right to determine. I think she was giving you early warning, not asking your opinion let alone your permission. Maybe she's a bit concerned that she has a failure to launch situation on her hands and is giving you fair warning that life is going to change. I say this as you have assiduously avoided telling us your age which would help us understand the situation further and tailor our advice appropriately. I would approach my framing differently for an 18 year-old compared to someone in their mid-twenties for example.

It was thoughtful of her to make you aware but you don't get a say in how many siblings you have. No one does.

I mean this genuinely, not as an insult or sarcasm, do you have learning difficulties? Because your behaviour and attitude here are really very odd, and almost worrying.

When making a big decision, most people ask family or friends for advice to gain a new perspective. But it’s just to help us make an informed choice - your opinion doesn’t really hope much weight. She can ask what she likes of you just as a discussion, but the decision will be hers.

To say you would lose all respect for her if she chose not to have a child due to her existing child… what? I have two kids. Split from their dad 13 years ago. I have a new partner, long term. We have discussed kids but ultimately, I don’t want a blended family or half siblings and inheritance issues or anything else so I’m not having more kids due to the kids I already have - it’s best for them if I don’t. Am I not worthy of respect?

If I change my mind and decide to have kids, and plan it carefully and protect assets etc, then should my children “feel pain” and be right to demand that I should have given them a day? No. It isn’t their decision. Just like this isn’t your decision.

It is time for you to grow up and start acting your age. You are behaving like a child, which is why I think you have some SEN and maybe the internet isn’t the best place for you to be asking this stuff. Perhaps speak with a counsellor.

My mother had her last baby when I was 16, brother nearly 13. It was fantastic and she gave our rather difficult family a new lease of life and so much joy.

That baby is now approaching 50 and we are close, despite the big age gap. All joking and criticism aside @HonestIntentions what it is like for you will be very much down to you and you should have a real hard think about why being an only child has always been so important to you.

Of course, a lot of us are wondering how old your mother and her partner are as that may affect opinions. Also, we can't say whether it's a good idea for them or not as there's so many factors at play. Whilst your mum has sounded you out ultimately it's their decision not yours.

You've been an only child for all of your life so far and maybe a new (half) sibling will bring lots of love and fun into the household. Obviously there are also drawbacks but you may be moving out in the next few years.

Why is it embarrassing to see your mother pregnant? How old is she?

Why do you keep talking about a new sibling causing you pain? What pain?

A hard time?? Children are meant to grow up and the establish their own lives, with the exception of care needs of parents/children, this young person should be far too busy with building their own life to be so invested in what their mother is doing

You’re an adult.

if you aren’t happy with your current home set up, or a baby in the home, find your own place.

why does your mum having a baby cause you “so much pain”? It’s her decision.

would you remain childless if your mother said you having a baby would cause her pain and she didn’t want you to?

I’m guessing you’re in your 20s and your mum was young when she had you? She’s letting you know it’s happening, she’s not asking your permission, and quite right that if you don’t like it you have the option to move out. If you wanted a baby would you ask her permission or take her feelings into account? You describe yourself as an adult, time to buckle up and be one.

You want to remain an only child. But you're an adult now, or certainly old enough to realise that absolutely no part of your mum's decision to have another child has ANYTHING at all to do with you. You don't get to make anyone else's decisions about their reproductive choices other than your own.

Grow up.

(My half sister is 16 years younger than me. Sure I was pissed off when they told me but she is the most wonderful human being and now adult friend and companion)

Exactly, I honestly despair of the therapy speak path young people are being led down these days. Not all young people thankfully but some do seem to have been caught in this horrible web that encourages them to feel so sorry for themselves and seek a reason for misery in every little aspect of life

You behave like an adult and accept your adult parents choices. You should have no say in whether she has another child or not.

As long as you are not expected to look after it or finance it then it's non of your business.

You were an only child when you were a child. Now you're an adult. It would be best to behave like one.

Your mum wasn’t really asking your opinion or for your permission. She knows you are going to throw your toys out of the pram and is trying to ease you into the idea of a younger sibling.

My ex asked my two adult children this quite a few years ago, before lock down. They were early 20s. He is now 60 and with a (lovely) woman 10 years younger than him who had a history of miscarriages in a previous relationship. She wanted one last shot at children and he asked the DCs what they thought and they said they didn’t want a half sibling. So he told his gf he didn’t want any more children. It still really irritates me that he put such an important decision for them as a couple in the hands of my DC. I can’t help feeling desperately sorry for his partner and I wish they had just made the decision between them based on what was right for them as a couple.