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Does it make sense to ask an adult child if they want a little brother or sister, if the decision has already been made and they have no say in the matter?

228 replies

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 11:36

Good morning, I live with my mother and her partner. My father died a few years ago, even though my parents were already separated under the same roof, and shortly after, my mother met this man and fell in love with him. I have a great relationship with him; I consider him a second father. I accepted him also because my mother and I went through difficult times together, and he was the only one who was always there. However, the point now is that he is younger than my mother, has no children, and they want a child of their own.

My mother said she accepts any emotion, even initial anger, but she is sure that there is no way I could convince her to give up having a child just to spare me pain. In short, she knows I never wanted this; on one hand she talked to me about it, but on the other hand, she closed off any possibility for me to have a say.

Honestly, I am confused: on one hand I wouldn't want it, but on the other hand, maybe I would like to go through this experience too. I think it's an experience that you ultimately get through. I was wondering if your older children accepted the birth of a little brother or sister right away, and how I should behave.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Dollymylove · Yesterday 12:51

Its time for you to grow up. You dont say how old you are but obviously young enough to have a mother who is still able to conceive. Your mum and stepdad dont need your permission. You might even grow to love your age gap sibling ( if it happens)

ThatLoudCat · Yesterday 12:51

So weird to say that you'd lose respect for your mother. I think you should start looking at moving out.

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:51

didnttellasoul · Yesterday 12:48

I think you should move out, tbh.

That's the same thing my mother told me!
I was really disappointed
😂

OP posts:
OhTheCowsInTheMeadowGoMoo · Yesterday 12:52

Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore

What? That's ridiculous.
What with saying you want to remain an only child (not your choice) and you're embarrassed at seeing your mum pregnant, you sound pretty immature.

didnttellasoul · Yesterday 12:52

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:51

That's the same thing my mother told me!
I was really disappointed
😂

Why? Are you stuck in some childlike state?

Sounds like they realise you’re going to be hard work about this.

IncompleteSenten · Yesterday 12:52

Are you saying you would prefer to see your mother alone and lonely for the rest of her life and not find romantic love or happiness so that you are the only person she has?

Uricon2 · Yesterday 12:53

The problem isn't your DM and the stepfather you think a lot of having a baby. The problem is your attitude which comes over as selfcentred, precious and immature.

squarecrow · Yesterday 12:54

didnttellasoul · Yesterday 12:48

I think you should move out, tbh.

19/20 is quite young to be forced out tbh.

eta plenty of people move out around this time, I did and some of my friends were living alone younger than this. But all of us had dysfunctional families. The fact OP has already mentioned having had issues with her DM that her SD smoothed over makes me think there is more to all of this.

The only thing I’d say OP, is that although it seemed a short time to you after your dad died before your mum was dating you also said they were separated so she wasn’t moving on from a loving relationship, she was moving on from something that was already over.

BaobhanSith · Yesterday 12:54

You are nearly 20 @HonestIntentions, start looking for your own home and move out before there is a baby. Your reason of wanting to be an only child is ridiculous, not wanting to have your sleep disturbed or be an additional parent to a baby sibling is reasonable. This probably won't be the only baby, another will follow in a couple of years so they aren't an only child.

Be an adult. Leave home.

koffielepeltje · Yesterday 12:56

OP has said their age is 20 but not said how old their mother and stepfather are.

I don't know why he/she would find the mother's potential pregnancy "embarrassing".

Besidemyselfwithworry · Yesterday 12:57

@HonestIntentions

at 20 years old I lived on my own and had my own life and If this was my mum and it made HER happy let them crack on

you’re not trying to be an “only child” as you’re a bloody adult!

BillieWiper · Yesterday 12:58

Well would you rather she just did it without telling you or having any interest in your feelings?

Of course she shouldn't not have another kid because you, her adult child, doesn't approve. It's her body and her choice. But she cares about you and probably wants you to get on board. She's certainly not asking your permission, nor should she.

Neither of you can control what the other does with their womb.

Itsthewoluff · Yesterday 13:01

Well you can choose to move out and by telling you the plan, it’s giving you time to decide what you would like to do in the future
but
bloody hell! What is she thinking, starting over with a baby when life has just got easier with a twenty year old. Fool 🤣

JoSFry · Yesterday 13:01

Hello are you still living at home? I know it’s more challenging nowadays to move out, are you in full time education?

Perhaps it’s time to build a life of your own that isn’t so intertwined with your mother’s these are her choices not your’s. You are not a child anymore.

What are your interests? Do you work?

crazymommaclub · Yesterday 13:02

I am the step parent to my husbands two adult children (same age as you) and they now have a 3 year old brother. At first they were very upset to learn that we were having a baby, but I made sure they felt very involved in the process and now they both absolutely adore him and it has brought us all much closer. Try not to fret about change

2boyzNosleep · Yesterday 13:05

Its understansble to not be happy about a parent having a sibling if you are an adult yourself, but you sound very immature about the reasons why. Depending on your mother's age, I would be more concerned about the impact of pregnancy/birth on her health.

Gottodosomething2026 · Yesterday 13:06

Absolutely her decision. You need to accept it if you want any relationship with your mum and step dad. You sound like you just want everything to go your way. Welcome to the real world.

Tibirose · Yesterday 13:08

It’s completely her choice if she would like to have a child (if it is even possible given her age??) what on earth has it got to do with you, even less so with you being an adult?? Seems very strange and comes across as sense of extreme entitlement on your part. I would assume it had been a rhetorical question

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · Yesterday 13:08

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:41

@AralVorkosigan
@TemporarilyCantDoMyself
@didnttellasoul

To be completely honest, as a child I probably wanted to stay an only child out of a bit of jealousy: I didn't like the idea of sharing my things or the attention. Today, it's a different story. At first, I put up a lot of resistance because seeing my mother build a relationship with another man just a few months after my father passed away was a hard pill to swallow. For a while, they dated outside the house before he started staying over.

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her. Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore.

I think it might be sensible for you to get professional help to help unpick this - counselling or other psychological help

Lougle · Yesterday 13:08

As you get older, you'll decide what kind of life you want. By the time you're doing your own thing, occasionally checking in with your DM/SD, it will be too late for them to have a baby. She needs to decide what to do. You don't want her to have another child because you want to be her sole focus, but before long she won't be your sole focus. It's not fair to tell her that she shouldn't have another child.

Ponderingwindow · Yesterday 13:09

You are allowed to feel any way you want on the matter of your parent having another child. There is also a difference between the theoretical and an actual baby. How you feel now and how you feel about an actual sibling will likely be different.

ThereIsSomethingWrongWithTheLeftFilange · Yesterday 13:11

HonestIntentions · Yesterday 12:41

@AralVorkosigan
@TemporarilyCantDoMyself
@didnttellasoul

To be completely honest, as a child I probably wanted to stay an only child out of a bit of jealousy: I didn't like the idea of sharing my things or the attention. Today, it's a different story. At first, I put up a lot of resistance because seeing my mother build a relationship with another man just a few months after my father passed away was a hard pill to swallow. For a while, they dated outside the house before he started staying over.

I know very well that this isn't my decision to make. In fact, if my mother were to give up on having a child just because of me, I would end up losing respect for her. Still, it remains a complex situation and quite embarrassing for me to see my mother pregnant, especially since I'm turning twenty soon and I'm not a kid anymore.

So poor Mum doesn't win either way? Has another child she causes you 'pain', doesn't have a child to save you from this pain and you lose your respect for her.

Kindly, get a grip, and grow up!

Happyflower12345 · Yesterday 13:11

You're absolutely entitled to your feelings, opinions and preferences. However, your mum doesn't need your permission to make decisions about her life. It sounds like she wanted you to be part of the discussion. your expectations that your view would trump hers and her happiness in life is unreasonable.

Uricon2 · Yesterday 13:12

I rather wonder if the DM (who is telling not asking) is giving fair warning now to try to preempt this sort of nonsense if/when she is pregnant.

feathermucker · Yesterday 13:12

You can be pissed off or upset if that’s how you choose to react.

You do sound entitled with your wish to remain an only child. She doesn’t require your permission or approval to go ahead with this though.

How you choose to react could dictate your future relationship.

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