Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

I do not set budgets I just buy what they ask for .If this was me I would get his kids some extra gifts this year with a warning that next years you get gifts for all but he must pay half .
My husband earns considerably less than me so I tend to buy for all kids his and mine but he would never demand that’, white opposite , I do it because I want to . I don’t feel bad in buying more stuff for mine either if I feel like it as mine don’t see their dad and my stepsons have gifts form the mother side . There was never a issue

I'm very surprised that so many posters think this mess is entirely the dad's fault - there are two adults involved.

Of course you aren't obliged to spend money on somebody else's kids .... Unless and until you start telling them that you are "all one family now" and expecting then to live as if they are "all one family now".

If this is being presented to the children as "their family" then obviously they will expect to be treated equally - because that's what families do.

My suggestion is you stop pretending to think of the children as "one family" when you clearly don't.

Don't spend the whole of Xmas together. There is no law that says you have to. You spend the morning with your kids and he spends the morning with his. Come together for an event on Xmas Eve, or for lunch or something, providing the kids all get on well and will enjoy it.

But it's not fair on the children to pretend it's a family when it suits you, and not when it doesn't.

Really it would have been better to sort out these issues before you moved in together. So that everyone would have been well aware of how it works.

As it is, sounds like his kids are going to get a nasty shock on Xmas morning when it turns out that the "one family" thing doesn't extent to presents.

I don't mean to be unkind, I don't suppose you mean to be unkind either. But surely you can see that this isn't his kids fault, and it's not nice to see them feel uncomfortable and embarrassed on Xmas morning, just because it suits the adults to pretend that you are all one big happy family.

It's the responsibility of both adults to sort this out now, so that the children don't suffer. OP slagging off her partner on here for not spending more money on his kids isn't really going to help - nor is him demanding she spend money on his kids she clearly isn't willing to spend (and I do see why).

So sort out how this arrangement works, and be honest with the kids about it, and give them some say in the extent to which they wish to participate in the set up.....

@Ilovelurchers
I presume it’s because a lot of posters comment before reading all op’s posts. If he weren’t subsidising her kids all year round, he’d have plenty to spend on his.

Normally I’d say you buy for your kids & he buys for his. BUT he is already subsidising your DC to the extent that you can save your CMS payments. And then criticise him for not saving enough!

You’re a bit of a sponger. This year evening it up comes out of your pocket. Then have a proper discussion about money etc. It’s also not fair if he spends less on his DC on the years they are not with you for Christmas.

I will say that the actual buying of presents isn’t something that should default to you.

Can you break down the figures

you say he pays more than you. But not massively

what do you both earn and put into joint account

If you’ve always bought for your own kids then that continues. What is he planning on buying your kids, if you now have to buy for his? I’d get them a couple of things as they are going to be there on Christmas morning but it doesn’t all run one way

I don't think you are unreasonable to buy what you want for your children at Christmas, as a general rule.

However, as others have said, it sounds like you do need to sit down together and figure out how to ensure your income and expenses are treated fairly. Are you saying DP earns more than you receive for your salary plus your CMS, after he has deducted his CMS from his salary? Or just that his salary is greater than your salary?

It should definitely be taken into account that your kids live there more, so therefore you need to be paying for their "share" of the bills. To be honest, I'd probably consider how you ensure that you both have a similar amount of money left after bills are paid, for your personal spends/savings and for spending on your own kids and saving for your kids' futures. As you have mentioned that you are saving your CMS for your kids' futures - does your DP have enough left each month to also put aside money for his kids' futures?

Without wishing to sound harsh, I think both of you are being unrealistic to think that you are a family. Your eldest kids are teenagers, they haven't had a childhood with you living as a family. You are a couple who each have children. You have a shared household but, from the kids perspective, they may not see it as a family and it would be quite unfair to expect them to - they didn't choose this set up. If your kids spend alternate weekends with their dad, do the kids even see each other very often?

As a couple, you need to figure out in what ways you will treat your kids equally and in what ways they may be treated differently. E.g. if you are saving for your kids' futures and have money for a car/wedding/uni fees/house deposit, what happens if DP doesn't have the same for his kids? Equally, what happens if the other parents, say, buy a car for one set of kids when they turn 18? There may be disparities in gifts from wider family, and in inheritances from grandparents. If you keep telling each other, and your kids, that everything has to be fair they may get a shock in the future when that suddenly changes. I think it would be good to prepare them for the fact that, financially, they will not always be treated the same.

The ‘normal’ way implies logic that applies to stable, straightforward families. It completely falls apart when you are dealing with unequal custody in a rental setup, the financial burdens become unequal which complicates the situation.

Maybe he thinks you’ve gone over the top and maybe you think he’s underplayed it. Either way I’d find a compromise, what sort of person could enjoy Christmas morning seeing the faces of the kids who woke up to less. Why doesn’t he up his budget a little bit and you downgrade yours a little bit to match up? x

There's a few comments there about him paying more but maybe OP does all of the cooking and cleaning and he's still the one benefiting more from living together.

Do any of the kids still believe in Father Christmas? If not then they’re perfectly capable of understanding you bought for your kids and he bought for his. I do think you should have sat down together as soon as you knew they were all going to be there on Christmas morning and talked about it so he had more chance to save but he could have initiated that conversation too, ultimately YANBU

Spot on!!

I would tell him to piss off tbh

He's watching your pocket too hard.. what has HE contributed to your children? Besides the spirit of Christmas isn't about who gets the most or to what value so he needs to grow up

I was thinking geezzz there are indeed a lot of these posts around at the moment.

This is why I will likely remain single because quite frankly I don’t want to deal with a man with this sort of tomfoolery. If the kids are over 18 then maybe but any younger then no thanks. These men have become so ridiculous and entitled, like the one the other day complaining about the OP not making a separate dinner for his kids all the while he’s just sat on his arse doing nowt when HE could have just made the dinner

That's far too reasonable for Mn.

I am kind of having a similar issue. My two get what they need and yes they do get spoiled at Xmas, birthdays, their favourite foods etc but my partners daughter (she is 16, my daughter is 17 and my son is 15 but lives with his dad most of the time) has moved in and he has started to make comments about how they need to be treated the same but I refuse to change how I treat mine. I have ideas in my mind on how I want to help my daughter - I’ll help her with driving lessons as I see that as a need (because of where we live) and an important life skill as opposed to a want and I will support her getting a weekend job (drop her in, pick her up etc) but he has other ideas and has made comments around how I shouldn’t help her as he won’t be doing that for his daughter.

We have just got back from a 10 day trip in Malaysia leaving the two girls at home. I took them both food shopping before we left and I gave my daughter £150 towards any other food she might need, money she may need for college and just some pocket money as she a) didn’t get the fancy holiday and b) was looking after all of our cats. He gave his daughter £100 and felt it was wrong for me to do £150 even though out of those 10 days his daughter was at her mums for 5 of those and would be fed there whereas as my daughter didnt go to her dads during that time as she was looking after the cats! I paid her extra for her time.

So not the same but on the same wave length of - this is how I have always done it and I refuse to change how I parent my child!

And you are therefore not being unreasonable at all - do not change what you usually do and definitely don’t make up the budget on his behalf!

This - £250 spend on each of your girls seems a bit excessive to me, plus presents they will get from their dad and other members of the family.

Im sorry but why do so many men have sooo much to say??! Its your money you birthed your child!! Its like because they do want to or cant provide certain things for their children its a problem when u do??! I thibk its just disgusting quite frankly.

You were not being unreasonable AT ALL to tell him he should have started to save earlier for presents for Christmas and he knows you’re right. That’s why he got angry. They are his children and it’s his responsibility to make sure he has enough saved
for XMAS

Hmm, the more I’ve read from OP, the more I think YABU. DP is subsidising your children (you pay less into household than him, despite your children living there nearly full time. Then you get maintenance on top and are able to save most of that. Shouldn’t that be going into the household pot to cover the increased bills, food etc?
It doesn’t bode well that you haven’t discussed how to fairly manage family celebrations like this before moving in. When children are involved, everything should be done with them in mind. Of course all 4 children need to have the same experience on Xmas morning. You’re living as a family now, why wouldn’t you be sorting their presents jointly? I can’t think of anything worse than knowing two children are going to feel let down/less worthy on Xmas morning while they look at what your children are opening. You both need to sort it out and grow up. Genuinely cannot wrap my head around these threads - you want to live together, find a way to blend your family properly.

If you take out the bit he pays for maintenance and his car (although do you have a car to pay for)

And then split the costs how would it look?

Perhaps as his kids are with you this Christmas you coukd save some of the presents for birthdays or when his kids aren't around?

Well if your children live with you most of the time and he's paying a larger share of the bills then yes he is subsiding them and it sounds as though he'd be better off spending that money on his own children.

But if the OP stays single she'd have to cover all her children's costs rather than just part of them. If she gets her partner to subsidise her at the expense of his own children then yes, he gets a say.

Me too

Maybe he should keep back the equivalent to the amount OP currently saves from the CMS she receives and instead she contributes that to the household expenses