Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

I think he’s getting a shitty deal and if the roles were reversed they would be getting slated

She’s hardly whinging. You seem to be all het up over it and it’s odd

If the roles were reversed we're talking about a man who has his kids full time, and then a woman moves in who only has her kids EOW, people would automatically slate the woman for that anyway and think he was amazing for being a full time dad, you already think he's fabulous because he pays maintenance.

People would actually wait and find out just how much the split is and also who does the housework etc before they piled on.

They'd probably also want to know how much she was spending on her car a month if spending an extra £100 on her kids was going to lead to financial ruin and she expected her partner to pay for her kids presents.

You don't even know what the actual deal is, he could be paying £200 more and never raising a finger to cook or clean even when his girls are over, but that doesn't stop you from shitting all over the OP.

You have NO idea if he’s taken on paying for the OP’s children. He could very well himself have wanted a larger house so his children had a room each and if that was the case. The OP is also paying for his children.

I have a real problem with kids being treated differently , if you go with someone with children and live together they should all be treated fairly , I could never leave kids out

One year when mine were Primary school age I had hidden presents in all sorts of nooks and drawers. One Christmas evening after every one had gone I found a couple of presents that I had found about. They loved having a present to open after the chaos of the day. They asked for me to save one every year. It was called “last one present”. It was a great special family tradition. It doesn’t have to be seen as something negative.

It could be considered a bit sneaky but the kids should all have the same amount spent on the under the tree.

At the moment I have 9 under 16 in my house on Christmas Day. Not all, but some do notice who gets what. They are all lovely kids but they can’t help but count.

I asked previously what portion of salary and how much both pay

Just because many don’t pay doesn’t make him any better than he ought to be!

My husband doesn’t hit me - what a great husband!

What an odd jump 🙃 is she any better underpaying her contributions to her own house so her own children benefit more than his , I think not , she has it good and has the audacity to moan would never ever be me where kids are concerned

That’s neither here nor there. And I don’t think it’s an “odd jump”. Someone said he was a great dad because he pays child support and is actively involved with his children. I think the bar for men is very very low.

Well, has he bought your children anything??

This has come up because you have spent more and he now looks tight. What happened last year? He has the hump because you have said no. Good on you. Stick to it for this year and say going forward you are happy to save money together if you are paying the same in to the birthday/ Christmas pot.

But she’s not moaning though. You are clearly triggered by this and making up scenarios in your head.

You might want to relook at how the joint money is spent OP BUT I would suggest not at who funds the presents for your individual children. To start with a canny shopper will hunt down bargains in the run up and purchase for instance £350 of gifts for £250 and what happens then? It’s just too difficult to attempt to make it ‘exactly the same’. I’d add, if you start having to agree exactly the same for every gift will it then be for every club, every item of clothing bought, every savings amount and amounts left in your wills? Both sets of children have two sets of involved parents so there will never be exactly the same overall amount spent and it is alarming your DP is trying to say you should pay the difference and you have made him feel X. No, you haven’t made him feel anything, his feelings are his to manage and he has plenty of time to select and purchase additional gifts.
That said, there is no need to make his children see a disparity. As others have said, you don’t have to give all the gifts in one go. If an advent type thing doesn’t work how about a New Years gift?
It’s more the attitude of your DP that is concerning me. He surely should be thanking you for sorting NYE boxes instead of complaining, trying to force you to buy his children their gifts and blaming you. As to your child support/benefit being thought of as joint money it absolutely is not. I’ll bet you buy most clothes and toiletries, pay for haircuts and the like for your children, and I’ll also bet this is the same for his ex.

Omg story of my life, I've just got rid of one of these! Best decision ever!

OP has said she couldn’t afford where they live without partner, so she definitely financially benefits from him. I assume she would have to spend her CMS rather than save it