Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

Beg pardon?
You mean HE reaps what he sows... he needs to put his hand in his pocket.

As someone who's been in this position as a child, I wouldn't hold back presents if they're used having a certain amount, it may cause resentment and the last thing you want to do is start your new life together off on a bad foot with all the kids. Gor the sake of peace and moving your life forward in a positive way, can you up his girls budget? And agree on a budget for next year? If this is a new living situation I would honestly try to keep everything as harmonious as possible for the kids.

Of course you would favour your own children. They're yours! His children aren't yours. They're his, and it's up to him to choose presents for them and pay for them! What's difficult about that?

No way would I left a man tell me what I can buy my children.
He should up his budget if he's that worried.
How dare he complain about what you buy when he can also buy stuff for his own kids.

Unless he is putting money towards the presents you have bought your children, then why should you be buying them anything??

I think of you can afford to, then I would buy a couple of bits. But to be honest I’d be thinking if this relationship is worth it.

Yes he has in effect paid for her kids presents.

While she "saves" the CMS from their actual dad.

It's beyond a piss take.

The kids will feel the difference. My kids alternate Xmas with me and their dad each year. He also has another child who alternates with her mum as they are also separated. So the 3 kids do the same years as dad’s. They either do Xmas day or Boxing Day but there’s always a set of presents at his house. My children’s other sister is 4 years younger than my youngest.

What was noticed last year was quantity over probably quality. I’m not sure if he spent the same on all 3 but the younger sibling received a lot more presents to open than my 2. I did try to explain that mine are older and they want more expensive items (vinyl records, Lego) and that their younger sibling is still playing with children’s toys that are cheaper. But, there’s 3 years between my 2 and when this happened I made sure that there was a similar number of parcels to open. It’s currently less of an issue with my eldest teen who is autistic and actually gets bored of opening presents after a while as it’s overwhelming for her. My youngest is a dopamine seeker though and tears through her presents quickly and does start counting things.

In the OP’s situation I would be too soft and I would buy some bits extra once I knew how much he has bought and spent. But just cheap things that would get used in the home such as sweets, toiletries and clothing basics likes socks and underwear sets or PJs.

When I was a teen my boyfriend stayed one Xmas and he brought his presents to open from home but also my mum made sure he had a little pile to open. She does the same when my sister stays with her husband and child.

Op and partner split the costs between them, he is happy paying the amount he does. I’m sure he has money of his own after all his payments and has a choice to save or spend it how he wants. Op chose to save hers for her children’s future, birthdays and Christmas, it’s called personal choice! It’s only when partner saw some of the gifts she has bought already that he asked the amount she spends per child and realised he doesn’t spend the same amount on his that this problem has arisen. He hasn’t bought them gifts yet as he obviously waits nearer the time and nothing is stopping him from buying them more to even it out on Christmas morning. He wants Op to bridge the gap or her children get less because she has always spent more at Christmas on her dc than he has. I agree it won’t be nice for his children on Christmas Day but they might get £250 worth presents from their own mum whilst OP’s ex buys £100 per child so it’s not clear cut. could be even. Maybe partner’s ex spends £250 per child and OP’s ex buys them £100 gift each.
Simply pointing out that they get more from mum on both sides and less from the dads would explain the differences but partner is concerned it makes him look ‘mean’

I'd be extremely suprised if he is happy paying the amount he does after this.
More than op for the household that ops dc live in all the time, compared to his eow.
Money is tighter for him than op, she's openly said that.
Meanwhile op pockets her maintenance for her kids savings and then saves money for Christmas because she is paying less into the house than he is.
Then op begrudges sharing some of her Xmas savings, that she's only got because she isn't having to financially contribute to the household equally.
If I was in this piss take situation, I wouldn't even be happy with 50/ 50 at this point. Maybe 60/40 with op paying 60.

Yes, after she's had the audacity to pretend she's saved up money, when actually he's funding her under contribution to her kids household expenses, I hope he redresses the balance.

I'd probably have been fine with the imbalance, up to now. Yes I'm paying for her kids, but I do earn a bit more and we're supposed to be partners.

To then be told she's pocketed the amount I volunteer for her kids upbringing, called it "her savings" and declared that it is solely for getting her kids presents, excluding mine?? Jog the fuck on thank you.

I think it would be where she suggests maybe I should have saved some of my own money for my children, that my eye would have started twitching.

OP didn't mention a figure. She said he does pay more but not massively more. She also said that she pays for some things for the house herself that don't come out of the joint account.

she also said she couldn’t afford the house without his contributions so he is supporting her kids daily she’s, she then moans he can’t save and get his kids presents she’s got a bloody cheek if I were him I’d split 50/50 and spend the rest on my own kids

She also said that he couldn't afford that house living on his own either.

For all we know this situation is like the many we see on here also where the OP does all the cooking and cleaning and he does nothing and would instead rather contribute a bit more financially, so perhaps overall he has the sweeter deal.

And also for all we know he could save but maybe he's not great with money, or maybe he took out a ridiculous car loan for a type of car that he didn't need, I can never get over the amount of people driving around in brand new and huge cars and then going on about how tight money is!

You’ve got a real problem with the op. Its bizarre

She also said he couldn’t afford the house without her contribution either

Maybe he wouldn’t need a house like they are in if he wasn’t with her ? He has his kids every other weekend , hers live there permanently with his wage paying more he Also pays child maintenance he sounds like a decent dad and she is getting the better end of the deal than him and his kids are

“Also pays child maintenance“

This is the absolute bare minimum for a parent.

You don’t know that

Neither do you , regardless 50/50 is fair , she’s the one whinging he can’t save and over a few quid for his kids

And likewise maybe she wouldn't need a house like that if she wasn't with him, Maybe they need extra rooms for his kids?

As I said maybe she does all the housework and cooking, so him paying more could still mean he has a far sweeter deal.

Paying child maintenance is mandatory so that's irrelevant as to whether he's a decent dad or not, all we know is that he only has the kids EOW and some of the holidays and he seemed to expect the OP to buy his kids their main presents, so from just that bit of information all we know is that he does the bare minimum.

many don’t pay he’s active in his kids lives , he’s fighting for what’s fair and has took on payments for kids who arnt even his so yes I stand by what I said

Eh cos he was the one whinging at her!

Yes many don't pay, that doesn't mean that he's great for paying.

She never said main presents she said an extra 50 or so each which is fair some people are just man haters and woman can do no wrong, she shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone if she can’t treat the kids the same

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it.

He got funny about it when OP said she wasn't buying their main presents.

And you're licking a random mans arse on the internet to shit all over a woman. She hasn't done anything wrong.