Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

If you have a joint account then you need a joint Christmas account. Decide on a budget per child then times if by 4. Then divide by 12. Then divide by 2. Put that amount away each, each month in a regular saver account starting October pay this year then next year will be a non issue as it has been built into both of your budgets, each child gets the same and no arguments and the money is available at the start of November for both of you to shop with. Eg if it's £250 per child, you both need £1000 over the course of the year. That's about £84 a month or £42 each a month. Far easier than trying to Scrabble money at Christmas although it doesn't solve this year's issue. It does however sound like you are operating as flat mates financially rather than a house hold and you might want to look at how you budget going forward as a unit.

Does he own the house that you and your two children live in?

So does he buy presents for your children or not? I don't understand why he's expecting you to buy things for his kids if he doesn't buy things for yours?
No way would I give my children less gifts because of this.

No we are both on the tenancy agreement, its rented not his house.

Hes being unreasonable. You buy for your kids and he buys for his. Its up to him if he ups what he gets his kids but thats his issue not yours.
Also you've bought them Christmas eve boxes. What's he bought for your kids.
He is in the wrong here not you.

Blended family here. Our first Xmas living together was our first arguement. His son wasn’t at ours that Xmas day. Mine are always at mine for Xmas (dad’s choice). My now husband assumed that mine wouldn’t have Xmas day on Xmas day because his son wasn’t there and having Xmas day with his mum. Which I felt highly unfair and wasn’t prepared to accept that I was the arsehole even though I think 5 years later he still thinks I was 🤷🏻‍♀️. We kept a few gifts from my kids piles a side and we had a second Xmas eve and day with us altogether but that wasn’t good enough but hey ho we got over it. But what was clear was because we didn’t actually sit down and work out these occasions that’s where our problem lay.

Personally, I’ve always spend roughly the same for all my children including my step son. I wouldn’t have it look any different but I certainly wouldn’t be expected to top it up every year. Think you need to sit down and work out a budget for each child that’s fair not what he usually spends and not what you usually spend something in the middle. Blending families is hard, despite these big things cropping up periodically it does get easier. One thing I wish I had done as a step mum in a blended family is not figuring out my boundaries sooner. My advice is decide on your boundaries and stick to them and good luck. For the right man it definitely is worth it and I have found that weekend dads (and I don’t mean that horribly) have their own dad guilt and it’s often next level and we often get the brunt of it but it’s not personal xx

Do you get child maintenance for your children and if so does that go to you or into the joint account?

No he just pays for most of it.

OP trousers the excess he is paying for her kids that she should be, then calls it "money I've saved for my kids presents, and not his"

He's paying for OPs kids presents.

Yes I get maintenance for both of mine but it varies a bit re hoe much I get. I do pay a set amount into the joint account each month from it, the rest goes into savings for the DC and their futures really.

Not wishing to be rude, it's fucking October! And you two are already arguing over Christmas. Spend it apart.

This is the obvious question.

You both have children who will get gifts elsewhere as well so that they get gifts from their mother is moot.

Personally if you aren’t going to actually be a family and decide how to spend money together I don’t get the point of moving in together and blending finances.

I don’t think you should be responsible for buying their gifts but I’d expect a conversation about how best to split resources.

Wow he subsidises you all year round. You openly admit he gives your dc a better quality of life every single day. And now he is upset you now aren’t able to find a couple of hundred to equalise presents for his kids. I’d be royally pissed off with you in his shoes. You’re supposed to be a family unit and you’re acting like what’s his is yours and what’s yours is yours.

Another thread where a man expects his new partner to make up for his short comings.

Given he pays more household income when there’s one of him, and 3 of you, I do think you should consider buying some more gifts for his kids. It’s not going to be nice for them on Christmas morning if your kids get noticeably more, and they both get gifts from another parent so moot point they get gifts from their mum. I’d say its his responsibility but he seems to be shouldering more of the household costs and supporting your kids day to day, so spending a bit on them for Christmas is fair.

And to top it off, the few hundred she pretends is "my money I put aside for my kids" is actually her pocketing what he spends on her kids living expenses instead of paying for her own kids.

She's double poncing!

I don’t really understand this. Surely you spend what you want to on your kids, he spends what he wants to on his kids, and you both buy something from each of you to each of the others kids. Isn’t that the normal way?

Agree. Not a great example of a blended family where you take on each other's kids and love them as your own, or at least try to.

Strange to have a divided household and have bot sets of kids be uncomfortable in the day.

Kids with more will either show off or be embarrassed.

You but what you want for your children and he buys what he wants. He does not dominate what you can or can’t spend.

wow. I’m afraid you are hugely unreasonable.

So what happens when your children get older and the money you’ve saved up for them turns into an argument between you and partner who says you can’t give it to them because he hasn’t saved? He is dictating to you how much you are allowed to give to your children for gifts now and it will get worse in the future @LadyShade

Would you be able to save the CMS if your partner didn’t contribute as much to household expenses?

Does your partner pay more towards your DC than their dad (and you)?

You need to work something out so all the kids get equal gifts on Christmas Day.
There's no use saying "I buy for my kids and his kids are up to him", you are a blended family, the kids are all together Christmas morning, your finances are pooled and he is subsidising you and your kids all year round. There's three of you and one of him yet he's paying the majority of housing and bills. He's also paying into his kids other household are you are receiving extra for yours. Meanwhile he's funding the car- which presumably you all benefit from too? No wonder you have been able to save. There's no excuse for making his kids feel second best on Christmas Day. If there's no money for extra and you don't want to take anything back, at the very least you'll need to hold back some presents until after they are gone.

Just spend Christmas separately. Sorted.

I was having exactly the same thought...