Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

I actually agree with him. He pays more bills yet your kids are there nearly full time. You got paid more so bought more for yours and added a bit extra to the joint account. If you cared for those girls, you wouldn't want yours to have more, you'd want it to be more equal. I couldn't do this personally, it doesn't sit well

Realistically you should include what you get in maintenance and exclude what he pays in maintenance before calculating who puts what in the pot. You can argue that the money is for the kids but he is also paying out for his kids and yours (food, housing, utilities etc) whereas you only pay towards yours and for the few days a month his stay over. It doesnt sound like a fair set up for his kids at Christmas when you admit he would struggle to save more due to maintenance.

I think this is less about monetary value and more about the fact that he wants you to take on the responsibility of all Christmas presents (and birthdays too I expect) because he thinks that's your job now.

Yep, it’s endemic. It massively gives me the ick. I just can’t take men like this seriously as a partner or a father. Or at life in general really

Why should your children or you be penalized for his poor planning and organisation? That’s on him. He knows when Christmas is for a whole year

The number of people not reading the thread and realising it's HIS money she's trousering, then telling him it's not going on his kids, all on hers.

Now this I think changes things a bit. He is paying child maintenance and towards your children (albeit indirectly) presumably leaving him shorter on spending money, while you are receiving child maintenance that allows you to save for your childrens future. Personally I think you do need to even things up a bit this year, and next year decide on a budget for both Christmas and birthdays that you are both happy with and save jointly to cover it.
I am rather assuming he doesn't have any major additional costs like a 40 a day smoking habit that skews things in the other direction......

I would not take back presents you have bought for your children because your partner wants to play the whiny, lazy victim card.

His children are his responsibility. You should have not to give your children less to make up for his shortcomings. He could have planned ahead, saved, and just been a general adult. Even his way of handling this is very immature.

This is his problem and he is trying to make it yours.

You should have not to give your children less to make up for his shortcomings.

😂😂😂 Oh the irony

Isn’t this a sign that you should be moving him right back out again?

You have done nothing wrong, he should adapt around what you've done for his kids if he wants to. And if you buy for his kids he should buy for yours.

But he is having to make OP’s children his responsibility as he pays more towards them everyday

Should the OP start weighing the amount her two kids eat at every meal and try to serve them food proportionate to the amount she pays toward the household expenses? Because that's the logic there.

Me too. This exact thread!

The maintenance he pays goes toward his own children.

The maintenance the OP receives goes toward hers.

He knew his financial situation before he got involved with the OP. He knew hers too. They had an agreement wrt finances.

He is trying to dictate a new arrangement without consultation.

He is also, essentially, trying to drive a wedge between the OP and her children. He's telling her to choose parenting her children as she sees fit, or him and his way of parenting her children. He's setting himself up as the boss of the household.

She must not let that happen. The parenting of her own children as she sees fit needs to be her priority here or this man will keep on chipping away at her autonomy and demanding more and more proof that shes willing to throw her children under the bus in the interests of the relationship (his ego)..

He's showing his true colours here.

U knew him a year and a half before moving him in with Ur kids ? 18 months ? Gosh ppl move fast 😲

Of course you spent more money on your kids. The expectation would be that his kids get their main presents from their mum and dad. They actually would do better in theory as they would get presents from their parents and whatever you give them is extra. If he can’t manage his money to buy Christmas presents for his kids that really isn’t your issue. He clearly isn’t very bright if he can’t get his head around this, guilting you into buying stuff for his kids that he should be buying would be major ick for me.

so when you were working out contributions your income didn’t include the cm you receive from ex. Did you count his income before or after he paid cm to his ex? I’d think it fair to consider income after both cm are paid so your income including received cm and his minus paid cm. Then adjust for the fact that there are three of you and one of him. For Christmas there’s no right way to do it but my expectation would have been separately sorting out the big presents as previous years but discussing and budgeting together for the day including smaller gifts. If there’s a big disparity in what the kids are receiving at your place then yes changing when yours get some gifts is appropriate. They’re old enough to cope.

Yeah that's the only way to solve that he pays way more every day towards her full-time resident kids.

Weigh their cereal.

Fuck me, any more excuses why we should ignore OP is sponging off him. The amount of cocklodger threads, but apparently if you're a ....hmmm....titlodger? That's all fine 😅😅

You have posted this before.

Why are you posting AGAIN??

These are the same dads who take huge offence at their partner of 6-12mths not loving their kids as much as they do and becoming their FT parent, despite them having a mother AND father - but they expect to outsource this role to them presumably bc they have tits so it’s the natural default. It must be the trope that men are less empathetic and emotionally intelligent than women, so if THEY love their kids, it follows to them that everyone would, especially the woman they’re currently shagging - they love THEM right? But it’s interesting how this doesn’t follow through to their partners children. Maddening parasites.

I think you are both being unreasonable here. You should both sit down and talk about how you can put the kids first in this situation so Christmas morning isn't spoilt for everyone.

I would keep some of your kids presents back for when you aren't all together,

Imagine being 10 years old sitting there with half the amount of presents as your step siblings, while your dad sits in the corner feeling like a failure? Imagine being a 13 year old sat there super excited about you new present but you can't show it because you still have 5 presents to open and your smaller step-sibling is sat there with nothing and upset.

It's just going to be awkward at those ages with clearly disproportionate presents.

Too late now, but for next time this happens, I would pool your money for Christmas and then each kid has the same budget. He pays more day to day by the sounds of it, so its not such a big ask on you that you contribute a little more to the christmas budget.

My reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it 🤔 there’s no pictures and the only ‘offensive’ word I’ve used is ‘tits’ and I’ve just seen a pp has written titlodger so it can’t be that surely? I reported it to try communicate with HQ but that didn’t work. Weird.

Given that all children will wake up together on Christmas Day for the first time, you need to make sure your joint gifts and Santa's gifts are approx the same and that gifts from you to yours and from DP to his are not markedly different in number or significance.

This year I think you should ask DP how much exra he can afford for his kids. You should then pay for the remainder out of the joint household account.
Every month your partner pays for your kids out of that same account without a moan.

Early in the year, revisit a fair way of dividing houshold bills while keepung all children"s allowances for them and all maintenance payments met for same. Decide what the budget will be for birthdays and Christmases and who will be making the purchases.
It could be easier to be on a similar page while the kids are young.

Some people on here are bonkers.

He's not subsidising you at all. You've agreed a split on bills relative to income. Perfectly normal thing to do.

You are not responsible for buying his kids Christmas presents. Or his parents, or siblings etc etc. it's just another bloke trying to palm his responsibilities off onto a woman.

I note there's absolutely no discussion about him buying your kids presents. It's not about being a joint family and treating them equally. Or you'd both be expected to do that. Its "you should be doing the same for my kids as you do for your kids" that's not equality. That's a bloke palming his parenting duties off onto his girlfriend.

Either you both buy for your own kids or you both buy for all the kids and contribute equally.

The OP has said that he does pay more but not massively more.

It's also very possible that like many of these situations that the OP is doing most or all of the cooking or cleaning and that the man is actually getting a much sweeter deal even though he pays a bit more.