Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

It’s only October-my main takeaway from this is that you’ve both already sorted all the presents plus Christmas Eve boxes! I haven’t even started.

I think he needs to up his presents. Surely he’s got time to put in some extra hours or sell some stuff on vinted to pay for it?

or maybe they could open something from their mum as well on Christmas morning.

Wow, you seem to be extrapolating an awful lot from what the OP has said. Obviously maintenance goes towards the children, but that does include the basics like housing, food etc. Every penny (for most people I would assume) isn't kept in a separate account for 'extras' for the kids. OP specifically said that the finance split was based on wages, so possibly not including maintenance paid or received. The OP's partner is buying his own kids presents, and has noticed the disparity. has asked if she can either give hers less or get something for his to even things up, and the discussion is going from there. He could just be a man who is concerned his children will be upset on Christmas Day,
Personally I find it odd that neither of them buy a small gift for the others children, and that he hasn't noticed how much OP spends on her own children before, but we're all different. OP.specifically said this hasn't been an issue before. Considering there is an 8 and 10 year old in the mix I think there is a compromise solution to be had for this year and then it's worked out better going forward. Even saving a tenner a week would put £80.in his kids kitty by Christmas.

This whole setup sounds selfish and joyless. You are both being unreasonable in different ways.

Obviously, the decent and warm hearted thing to do would have been to think, 'right, 4 girls on Christmas day. How shall we make it lovely for all of them?' rather then, my two are alright Jack, and I won't think about the other two. (when my niece and inlaws spent Christmas with us, I included her in our traditions and made sure she wasn't excluded, or sitting watching my own kids have fun)

Also, your financial setup is unreasonable. You need to make it more fair. You're taking the piss.

And your partner is massively unreasonable to assume that it's your job to sort out Christmas. He needs a kick up the arse.

We were in rented housing for a long time with my elderly father. He paid a third of the rent and we paid all the bills. We had two DC. He had state and a small private pension.
Our rent nearly doubled to accommodate him as he needed a downstairs bedroom. We could only rent houses with an annex and that was expensive.
@LadyShade I'm not sure how you make this fair regarding ongoing costs. Your partner is shouldering more of your living costs and it looks like your ex DH is being supplemented by another man. Your cm is for the children but obviously it depends on how much you get. You can't feed or clothe a child under £100 a week each (I believe UC pays £75 per child?). You're working so I assume you allocate this at least?
Personally I would be happy with paying half plus an extra £600-800 to cover my children.
Your partner needs to do the same calculation but with a proportion for the time spent at your joint home so half plus the number of days times two. It's a detailed calculation but you've set yourself up for resentment. You've stated your partner doesn't have enough spare money to pay for more gifts? So he has no savings but you do?
To me it seems like another man is paying for your children. If that's the case your maintenance is too low and your ex needs to step up. Easier said than done these days
For God's sake don't get married or buy property until you've sorted this out.

🤣 absolutely. If op was a man, the answers on here would be entirely different (cock lodger).

Ofcourse you should favour your OWN children. If the roles were reversed and it was your kids who were getting less, would he supplement to make things "fair" or "even"?

Yes! This exact same thread was posted a couple of weeks ago.

So you have put together Xmas eve boxes for his dc

what has he brought for your two children?

Im confused with all the posts that say the children all need to have equal gifts… is this equal number of things to open or equal sums spent on them? I only have 1 child, but I know from my own upbringing there were defo times me & my sibs didn’t all have equal present piles… when one of us was getting a ps3 but the other wanted clothes how do you level that out in volume without going bankrupt??? So then if the issue is equal amount spent that is up to their dad to level the playing field, admittedly they could have discussed this prior, but now that it’s been established OP is spending £250 p/child, Mr Man needs to increase his outlay to match if he wants all children to have equal amounts spent on them. In turn levelling out the amount both parents have spent. To £500 each on 4 children. If he is not willing to or able to do such that is a him problem and I think the only thing he should be asking OP is for her to hold back some of her DC’s gifts until after his DC leave. But also unless the value of items is obvious to the children I don’t think they would even know different amounts were spent on them. Are we all really doing equal number of presents per child under the tree?!?!

So because mum has moved her boyfriend in, her kids have to halve their Christmas budget that they’ve always had so that her boyfriends kids don’t feel left out? I don’t see how that’s fair. Her boyfriend can’t afford more and OP can, but to be fair to her boyfriends kids, her kids need to sacrifice?

You haven't answered the question - how much is he spending on your children?

Sorry OP but I feel that you are in the wrong for not considering his children. He is paying towards your children throughout the year with your living set up enabling you to save what you are not contributing towards the household.

You also stated that you are saving up for your children’s futures with your CMS payment. Is your DP managing to do the same for his children’s futures?

But more than that, why would you not want to buy and contribute towards his children without being asked to. Christmas is meant to be a time of giving.

This was my question? Hes all about what you can do but what gas he done. Has he brought for all tge kids at a equal amount? Has he saved money so he can get his comparable presents. All of his solutions involve you spending money or your kids getting less.

Also, i don't like his manipulation. You haven't said ges a shit dad nor have you made him look like a shit dad. That's all, so you say he's not a shit dad and solve his problem for him.

I think its lovy that you've done boxes for his kids so they arent left out. Wouldn't it be nice if he recognised what you have done and that you didn't have to do that. Its more than hes done for your kids. I cant say its more thought because he's thought a lot about what he can take from yours to benefit him.

Better planning next year on his part.

What has he done ? Contributed more to op's children's living costs than she does. Or the other parent does. Year round. Facilitating op saving what she has in the first place. Good old mn eh, the woman is always in the right .

Treat the children fairly- obviously not fair if your kids get loads more than his. Maybe you should have discussed budgets to ensure its fair - sounds like you do know how much he usually spends

Doubt it'll do your kids any harm not to have tons of presents.

YANBU.

But also, if you're not behaving like a fully blended family and treating all kids equally between you, then you probably should spend Christmas morning separately.

It's either -

All kids get the same - spend it together
Kids get different - spend it apart

Either option is fine but I don't think you should spend it together if the kids are getting different amounts.

What did you do last Christmas?

To clarify my post - i mean money spent should be broadly fair, not number of presents. Obviously 1 or 2 items could be twice the price of 10 smaller ones.

So your partner is contributing more month to month for household bills and there's one of him (who also pays cms) and three of you. Yet you're saving the cms for the children's future that's actually supposed to be used for your children's day to day living costs. Wow he's getting screwed.

I don't think it's your responsiblty to pay for his daughters but if you were paying fairly for the bills then maybe he'd have more money to spend the same amount on his.

His girls are 15 and 10, why is he not saying in advance "Ladyshade's kids may look to have more to open on Christmas morning but that's because your gifts are spread between your mum and I".

And why is he not using his imagination to get them more, small, thoughtful but not necessarily expensive gifts to open?

He sounds like a waste of space.

course you are being unreasonable! He’s paying for your kids housing cost and your moaning about him not spending enough on his kids , maybe he should drop the extra 500 a month he pays extra then he could get his kids more

you’ve also never said what cm your kids dads pay , can’t believe your moaning over an extra 50 each on his kids my god

He pays for them to stay in there home

It is a case of him subsidising her when he's paying more for the bills for the house she and her two children live in with him, but then also having to pay maintenance to his ex. She has admitted she contributes some of the maintenance she receives to the household pot, but is also saving a portion of it for her kids' futures.

I don't think it's fair to flame OP for this, it doesn't sound like she's done this on purpose to try and sponge off him. I think theyve both thought about how you would split bills in a standard family/couple set up and just not really thought about the bigger picture; then this issue has arisen with the Christmas presents and the inequality has become apparent. I'd like to think they can both find a way to resolve it fairly so that everyone's needs are met. But posters pointing out a need to revisit the original arrangement are not bonkers!

I’ve read all of your replies and unless there’s something we’re missing there seems a definite imbalance here. Your partner is paying more towards bills and maintenance plus his car and you’ve said things are tighter for him than you and he earns more. So how can he save?
Do you run a car also? Or does he use it as a family car? If the latter, do you contribute to the car?
I understand you’ve always spent a similar amount of money on your children each year but you’ve already said you wouldn’t be able to afford to pay the house on your own so if you weren’t together, arguably you would struggle to maintain that amount for their presents.
Hopefully this has just been a poorly managed situation and you both need to sit down and discuss this and also get an idea of whether the split of bills is fair - do you both have similar amounts to spend / save each month when the bills are paid? If you’re earning more, does it need re-looking? And how can you make it a great Christmas for everyone.
It would be awful for his children to witness yours getting a lot more presents, and it does scream favouritism rather than we’re a family.

yeah he’s an ex to someone for a reason. And this kinda childish behaviour is probably the reason. Please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are the bad guy here. He’s fully capable of sorting his own kids out. This is the kinda shit his ex probably got sick of putting up with.

He is paying more day to day costs, and facilitating OP's kids accommodation.

OP is therefore able to contribute less, save instead of using the money from their dad for day to day costs and afford more expensive presents.

As PP have said, if it was the other way round, she'd be told to LTB.

Amazes me how people are quick to be in a relationship and move in together without discussing such matters.
This will come up in different forms over the years, driving lessons, first car, university costs, weddings, grandkids etc.

When dating, you ask these questions, so it isn't a suprise later on.

Would you be happy if ypur kids were treated in such a way at their dad's OP?