AIBU not wanting to take stepchild on last minute holiday?

[froglet15327]

Have just decided last minute I want to go on holiday for child’s 1st birthday just to a caravan park due to money being on the low side (I could do with the break more than anyone). I feel awful but I don’t want ss to come which I know last minute mil is going to suggest we do. SS is 9 and at the best of times very difficult to deal with, throws a tantrum when they don’t get what they want, demands absolutely everything, swears( which makes me so uncomfortable) and sometimes back chats or just becomes very rude towards me when I’ve asked him something. I really want just a calm easy holiday and I know it won’t be that if he comes. He’s going on holiday abroad for his birthday next month with his mother so it’s not like he never goes on holiday and he went with his dad twice last year whilst I was pregnant.

Massive safeguarding issue that fact that MILs alcoholic partner is also sharing the bed 😬

Does either of you work?

? She takes over because your DH allows it and probably likes it.

had friend whose own mum did the same. He told her to back off he was the parent not her.

Dh should be enforcing contact with him not her and cracking down on the swearing. The simple answer is “we don’t allow swearing in this house or with us. If your mum allows it that’s fine. We don’t.” But if DH isn’t actively parenting his child…

everything else you’ve mention is normal child boundary pushing which is solved by parenting, consistency and consequences.

Apart from all the alcohol being consumed, is mil's partner your husband's father? Because having an unrelated male sleeping in a bed with a child is fucking insane.
I don't think related would be much better tbh but JFC

And if MiL has a partner who sleeps over and they both drink, what happens with the poor little boy when they have sex (don't tell us that has never happened in 7 years)? Or is he somehow expected to just sleep through it? If I were the OP, I'd be kicking out the cocklodger bf/husband(?), getting Social Services involved to help the SS, getting some help to understand why she's been putting up with such a shitty situation for however long it's been (and how she'll avoid getting into another similar one) and setting some very clear boundaries for how her DD will be parented.

lol @ every post calling out this nonsense being deleted. What a joke.Yeah, we all need to #bekind and support people no matter what they do. What about the child?

Hi all,

We've removed quite a few posts from this thread. Can we ask that you please bear in mind that there's a real person on the other side of the screen? It's fine to disagree with the OP or to point out concerns about a situation, but there's a difference between offering honest advice and piling on with personal attacks.

We absolutely don’t mind plain-speaking or straightforward advice on Mumsnet - one of the brilliant things about the site is the opportunity to get a range of honest opinions from neutral observers. But posts which seem intentionally aggressive or designed to belittle are a different matter - that's not what Mumsnet's about at all.

Please keep the focus on making your points in a civil, constructive way.
Thanks.

I am sorry to anyone offended by my post, but I really wish there was a way to get the SS some help or intervention in real life. The idea that a 9yo (same age as my DS) sleeps on a sofa at his own father’s house, and nobody in the world seems to have his back, is distressing to read. Particularly because it follows a post about whether to exclude him from a holiday. 😢

It's the responses that attempt to be manipulative that are the worse. Luckily, it seems the OP can see straight through them.

Why is it, when a stepmother posts on Mumsnet, she is held solely responsible for her stepchildrens wellbeing? It's like the childs actual parents cease to exist lol.

Oh and by the by, it does all children, step or not, the world of good to understand the world doesn't orbit around them and that, at dad's house, things happen when they aren't there, just like they will do things at their mums house.

I cannot imagine having my children in an environment that goes into suspended animation till the SC walk back through the door. Nope, my own children would know that they are my priority 100% of the time. I would expect SC father to feel the same way about his.
When people are clear on boundaries and where they stand, no one expects too much from anyone and you don't end up with a downtrodden woman expected to put everyone else before her and her own.

I’m not a step mum @FoldItIn but I have no doubt that the expectations of a woman are higher than those of any man in that situation! Based on expectations of women generally… 🙄

But I also think there must be a happy medium between “not my circus, not my monkeys” and a situation where a seemingly traumatised 9yo does not even have a bed at his dad’s house. I mean, I’d buy a bed/sheets/duvet etc for a complete stranger, never mind a relative of my DH’s.

This scenario is not teaching DSS “the world does not revolve around you” (which I fully endorse and agree with), it is more showing that “the world does not contain a single person who gives a monkeys about you”. I just find it terribly sad. It’s not the OP’s fault, and perhaps not her responsibility either (although I personally could not do nothing, even if it were a complete stranger) but it’s not the boy’s either.

Whilst I get the living arrangements aren’t ideal at this moment in time, he doesn’t sleep on the sofa because he won’t sleep without anyone sleeping with him. We tried camp bed at our previous home in our bedroom and he wouldn’t stay because he wasn’t in bed with us. I also think I shouldn’t have to be dealing with these problems on my own because yes it does seem like no one else gives a toss.

Well no they aren’t ideal @froglet15327, but leaving the practicalities aside, it’s concerning that such a young child can’t sleep alone, don’t you think? I’m not saying that because I think it’s your fault or responsibility - it’s very much his father’s - but because it’s quite painful to read.

I have a 9yo boy with profound autism and diagnosed anxiety whose neurodevelopmental age is about 6. He still sleeps in my bed when he’s worried about school or a big event (maybe 4 times a year?), and I find even that frequency a big worry at his age. If there was a bed available to your DSS, and a clear routine and structure for dad’s house, maybe your DH could get to the bottom of it? It must be very hard for everyone concerned to decide what is attributable to behaviour and what is possibly trauma or attachment related. But it really sounds like everyone in this child’s life needs to up their game a bit.

I am not sure I could raise my own child with a man who neglected a child from a previous relationship. But that’s probably because my own father married 5 times, and each wife - including DM to be fair! - no doubt thought it would be different this time. (Spoiler: it rarely is!)

And I completely get what you’re saying but surely it’s also his mother responsibility to ensure this isn’t happening instead of just palming her child off on everyone else. You try and ring her when she’s on a night out and you don’t get a reply until the following morning. Dh has raised concerns about the fact that he needs to sleep in his own bed but how can you enforce that when he does the same at his moms and he plays them off against each other

It's not ideal having a 9yo in your bed, but if, for whatever reason, he needs that, then surely the answer is that when he's staying, you sleep on the sofa?

After all, if the sofa is good enough for him should be good enough for you right?

Your husband should be slowly working with him so that he feels more comfortable being independent, but he first needs to meet him where he's at, right now.

Honestly it’s so annoying that I’m automatically the one at fault… I’ve raised my concerns and been told to keep out of it. So therefore why should it be my responsibility to try set boundaries to just be kept having them crossed.

Because it's NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY to deal with parenting on his Dad's time.

If a 9 yo isn't able to sleep alone then maybe Dad should think about why his child is so insecure. Maybe because Dad has basically handed him over to MIL because he's so deeply lazy and pathetic that he can't even tell his mother that he'd rather parent his child himself, despite knowing his child is not safe with MIL.

You're obviously not going to tell us what led to the bright idea of making him an incompetent father again.

I am a stepmother. Our lives don't stop when SD is not here. When I met DH, his divorce had just been finalised and he was living in shared accommodation whilst he got back on his feet. A NRP taking a year or two to find a suitable place to have his child overnight isn't unusual, especially not in high rent areas. After we met and decided to move in together, we immediately started renting a 2 bed flat so SD had a bedroom. When we decided to have a baby we budgeted to ensure we'd be able to afford a 3 bed when the time came for baby to move out of our room.

If DH's abusive mother had even suggested having SD overnight during DH's parenting time, he'd have instantly said no and that would have been the end of it. Grandmothers do not have parental responsibility and don't decide where a child lives.

If he'd been like this OP describes, it wouldn't have even occurred to me to have married him or had kids, because he's already proved he's a shit Dad. Why would you deliberately choose a shit Dad for your child?

Your husband has a responsibility towards his son when he’s looking after him. It’s his child. This is especially important if the boy’s mother is not very competent!

But nobody has said it’s your fault. Or even your responsibility. (Personally I think it’s a little bit everyone’s responsibility to step up in situations like this, but that’s just me). However, DSS is a child and most of the people around him are adults, and this should probably be escalated to professionals if none of his family are able and willing to do better.

It doesn’t make sense for your DH to say “he needs to sleep in his own bed” when there is no bed available, or even a space for one, at his dad’s house, if I have understood correctly? What is your DH doing to fix that? Why is everything up to the other parent? It honestly sounds as though he just can’t be bothered to parent, which really doesn’t say much for his character.

Maybe you could get a trundle bed to go alongside your double? DSS would then at least be close to his dad without being physically in the bed iykwim. To be frank, it needn’t cost more than a week in a caravan in the school hols (and no, it shouldn’t be your responsibility fwiw).

I did get a bed that fitted at the bottom of ours before my daughter was born but was still the same. I said to ssm “we’ve tried to get him to sleep at the bottom of our bed and he just won’t have it”. The reply was “well let him sleep in bed with you then”.

I think she is probably correct if that is the only way to facilitate SS spending time with his dad, but you should build up to him spending the night on the separate bed. If DS wants to sleep with me, I often let him read or have the iPad in his own bed for a treat, and he’ll fall asleep there if I’m lucky. But I don’t think you’ll even get off the blocks with the sleeping until SS sees his father’s place as a permanent home, containing his own space/things and (most importantly) where his dad will take care of him. Not having any place to sleep apart from the sofa probably means it does not feel that way to SS.

He needs reassurance. My ds slept in our room until age 10 despite us trying lots to stop it. Now age 30, he’s a perfectly well adjusted adult. He just needed it at the time for some reason.

The reasons Ss needs it are far easier to understand. Go with the flow. You sleep on the sofa and let him share with ds to strengthen their bond. It’s only a few nights of the month and it won’t be forever.
Dh needs to step up and actually parent. If he can’t, or won’t, then Yanbu to leave the relationship. If you stay, then you need to protect this poor child and do your best for him. Which to begin with means letting him sleep with his father.

She me kids need it. We had one who was with us every night until around 15yo - which time they had been over 6’ for a few years. They would start in their own bed and come in if a night. Then around that age they just stopped. No idea why this is a big deal.

The rest of our used to come into our bed also, some occasionally, some regularly, but all stopped way earlier than our longest kid. At times we’d be so packed (think our record was 2 adults and 4 kids at one stage, the latecomers would push their way in at the bottom so we looked like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory grandparent set up), that DH or I would migrate to one of their beds during the night.

Point being, that as adults, they all sleep in their own beds, no harm ever came of coming in and bunking in with us during the night until they chose to stop.