AIBU not wanting to take stepchild on last minute holiday?

[froglet15327]

Have just decided last minute I want to go on holiday for child’s 1st birthday just to a caravan park due to money being on the low side (I could do with the break more than anyone). I feel awful but I don’t want ss to come which I know last minute mil is going to suggest we do. SS is 9 and at the best of times very difficult to deal with, throws a tantrum when they don’t get what they want, demands absolutely everything, swears( which makes me so uncomfortable) and sometimes back chats or just becomes very rude towards me when I’ve asked him something. I really want just a calm easy holiday and I know it won’t be that if he comes. He’s going on holiday abroad for his birthday next month with his mother so it’s not like he never goes on holiday and he went with his dad twice last year whilst I was pregnant.

How long was it between his parents splitting and you and his dad getting together? It sounds like he’s struggling

Your DH needs to step up and actually parent his son The holiday is a side issue .

Why aren’t you looking for private rent 3 bedroom homes?

I think I will just go with my little girl on our own. I appreciate everyone’s opinions and to be honest you guys have definitely solidified the fact that he does need to stand up to his mother.

But you've never offered him a bed on this own...

he does need to stand up to his mother.

He needs to be a proper present father to his 9 year old son.
Does he pay maintenance his ex?

Yes he pays £100 a week I think but I’m not 100% sure

I don't think his mother is the issue here. She is at least providing him with a space where he feels safe and secure. The issue is your DH who is acting like a selfish teenager.

You are in a family with two dc. Taking a holiday that excludes one of those dc is a horrible thing to do.

Why did you get into a relationship with his dad when you obviously don’t want to be a stepmum to this little boy?

A caravan holiday with a one year old sounds more difficult than just staying home.

The child have obviously never known boundaries and discipline. His father needs to put his foot down and start parenting properly.
I would go alone with my baby to th caravan and leave the DH to deal with his son.
Also I would spend the time alone reflecting on whether I wish to continue the relationship

Sounds like Dad has got himself a shiny new family, SS is an inconvenience and knows it, and you're more than happy to blame his unsettled behaviour on the adults who are actually stepping up rather than the fact his Dad has basically abandoned him. Of course, go on holiday without him- after all, he's just an annoying addendum to your happy family. Until Dad gets bored again and finds a third family.

He needs to step up and be a proper father and that starts with standing up to his mother.
He is badly letting his child down.

Stand up how? What's the child's grandmother doing wrong really?

Seems to me she's so used to stepping in and parenting her grandchild that it's a bit much to also expect her to follow your "rules". She may be overcompensating a bit but the poor kid has nobody else on his dad's side of the family looking out for him.

His dad needs to provide a home for him and that starts off by having more than a sofa for him to crash on.

As for the idea that in future he'll share a bedroom with your small daughter - well if you're seriously thinking of doing that you're failing her too. Of course we know that's not what's going to happen really - it will always be the sofa or nothing for him.

Same old story

new woman wants to push out the older child

Well maybe but the main issue is remarried father no longer cares about his previous family.
(Assuming he ever did.)

Sorry op, this child is clearly struggling and no wonder. He has to stay with his gran, told to sleep on a sofa at his dad’s. What a difficult life he has had.and now rejected by his step mother too.

of course you need to take him, it’s really horrible how you feel about your husbands family. It maybe justified, but you shouldn’t have continued the relationship if you could not accept his child.

Is it. I’m not sure that’s the case.

Yup, full on rejection and it’s the kids fault. Not his fucked up choldhood.

The best way he can 'stand up to his mother' is to demonstrate clearly and unequivocally that he is a good dad and parents his child well. She may not feel the need to compensate for his failings. Good on her for stepping in for this poor little boy.

In all honesty… she gets drunk and fights with her boyfriend most weekends. I have tried to speak to dh and ss mom but I think they’re both scared of her.

I am going to give you some words of advice @froglet15327 If you choose to stay in this relationship then you need to advocate for your own child. If you are paying, then take her on the holiday. If DH doesn't want to join do not let your own child miss out.
The messed up situation is not of your making, so don't get involved and don't worry about making it right for everyone.

Concentrate on giving your child the best experiences and loveliest life. Do not let your DH's and his mother's shit parenting of DSS get in the way of yours.

Enjoy your week away 😊

It’s a real shame for ss that his dad didn’t arrange his living conditions so that ss came first. That way there would not be sofa sleeping and staying at the grandparents. It sounds like mil is parenting everyone when your dp needs to step up. Really you should be able to go on holiday as a whole family and enjoy it.

Does anyone actually care about the 9 year old @froglet15327 ?