AIBU not wanting to take stepchild on last minute holiday?

[froglet15327]

Have just decided last minute I want to go on holiday for child’s 1st birthday just to a caravan park due to money being on the low side (I could do with the break more than anyone). I feel awful but I don’t want ss to come which I know last minute mil is going to suggest we do. SS is 9 and at the best of times very difficult to deal with, throws a tantrum when they don’t get what they want, demands absolutely everything, swears( which makes me so uncomfortable) and sometimes back chats or just becomes very rude towards me when I’ve asked him something. I really want just a calm easy holiday and I know it won’t be that if he comes. He’s going on holiday abroad for his birthday next month with his mother so it’s not like he never goes on holiday and he went with his dad twice last year whilst I was pregnant.

I’ve told him but promises it’ll change and he’ll do this and that which never happens. I feel like I’m failing my own child by being in this situation if that makes sense? I just want to do what’s best for my little girl I really do but I know I also need to do what’s best for me because it’s making me miserable

No, OP isn't SS's mum, which is why I didn't say that she was. However, his dad IS his dad, and, at the start of this thread, his dad would have been on the trip. An actual direct relationship. Unlike the tangential one you're making between the OP's child and the SS's mum.

Not saying that they can never go on a trip without him, but you're making a false equivalence.

That poor kid

I made the point about the relationship… because there isn’t really one between OP and SS.

Op is entitled to have a family holiday with her family unit.

Of course there is a relationship between the op and her husband’s child! She is the child’s step mum.

No wonder this poor 9 year old struggles..!

I can’t believe what I’ve read to be honest. That poor little boy. No wonder he struggles so much with his behaviour - there are so many reasons behind it. I really hope that he can get some stability and genuine support soon.

This is a big multi-directional mess.

Go on the holiday - it doesn't sound as if Dss would want to come anyway as he doesn't stay over with his Dad.

But then the adults around this poor boy need to work towards giving him security.

Basically your DH moved into a flat with no space for his son, and had a baby which Dss will see as having supplanted him - and the baby sleeps in his crib with you and he gets the sofa.

Your DH needs to start standing up to his Mum and prioritising his kids - both of them. He can't just shrug and say 'she takes over'.

Of course MIL will want you to take Dss - she is left doing the parenting your DH is not doing.

Arrange another Dss and Dad weekend for some quality time with the boy.

In answer to your original question OP, .....

YES! Do go on a break with your partner and baby, don't tell anyone if you're only going for a few days, leave the SS with the granny or mum, and come back refreshed.

What the kid doesn't know won't hurt him and granny can keep her own nose out.

I have suggested they spend time together alone and do boy things

It’s literally Friday till Sunday

I'm sorry if you feel I've been harsh on you, and I do understand that this is really tough and worrying for you (this is your DD's brother after all). You may be the person with the least power to change things in all this, but I'm honestly getting vibes of a situation where one child in a family becomes the scapegoat.

Given his age, ie that he'll soon hit his teens, it seems more likely that this could end up with him becoming violent himself than the alternative of the "bad" child getting ever more ineffective and cruel punishments inflicted on them.

Either way, it's really far more concerning than a week away in a caravan. You have a child with this man, so even splitting up will cause other problems (his mother would no doubt end up parenting your DD too, since your partner won't do it) but you need to include this child in your family, and that begins with insisting that your housing plans etc include him. I don't believe for a moment that you would have him sharing a room with your daughter, never mind that it would look or feel like his room. He would only ever be there against her will, and until she complained so much that you took him out.

Do you think he's going to be modelled good behaviour based on seeing his dad on holiday?

OP will be doing everything, mopping up for everyone, she will feel resentment. The child will feel that.

Dad will blame everyone but himself, probably his mum too.

There's a bigger underlying problem here that's not about the holiday.

I hope the boy gets opportunity to holidays at some point and gets excitement and enjoyment that way. It doesn't sound like this family will blend well no matter what and I did suggest OP evaluates it all.

I think it’s fine (I take my dc away on holiday separately sometimes as they are very different ages), but only if your partner can manage to take him away on holiday individually as well. It sounds like, from his behaviour, that he could benefit from some one to one time and attention from his dad.

Is it only in your flat that your SS won't sleep in a bed alone? I'm presuming at 9 he's not sharing with his Mum, DGM every night?

I would have the weekend away without SS, and use the time to have a make or break conversation with your husband, not ideal with it being your daughter's birthday, but needs must. He needs to give you concrete plans and timeframes for what will change, and how that will be achieved.
If you split up that poor boy will no longer have you in his life at all, so I don't think one weekend away will make much difference in the long run, unless there is a significant shift in the current dynamic.

They split up when he was around 8month old

No he shares with his mom and grandma, I think I shall have a talk with him tonight about it.

So where did he live before you came on the scene and did he always sleep in an adult's bed? If the grandmother has a drunken boyfriend around, where was the little boy sleeping then?

Sorry where did who live? He’s always slept in their beds

Have a lovely weekend away with your DD. While you’re there, make a list of what you need to do to get out, sort the divorce, get your own place and be able to plough all of your energy and resources into your child.

You’re trying to push water up hill getting anyone else in this situation to change anything so accept things as they are and get out asap. I wish you luck. Keep posting for advice if you want to 💐

Thank you very much! I feel this is very much going to be the case

OP can you perhaps not just go on the caravan break alone with your DD and use this as a time on which you reflect on your situation and whether you might have other options? Tell your partner that you want him to use these few days to spend bonding with his son (sleeping in the same bed if that's what the son needs) and similarly reflecting on how your living situation and family dynamics needs to change in order for you to continue pretending to be a happy family?

You've given us no idea how you're supporting yourself or being supported or whether your partner is working or has any savings at all. I think most of the PP here are assuming that he's either not working or has very little disposable income, if you are living in a one-bed apartment and he has two children. Is there a reason for this? And what is his plan to remedy it? If he's got no plan other than vague promises that he'll "make it better somehow", then I think your plan should be to get out sooner than later.

Yes that was my question: did that co-sleeping include your now-DH for years too, or did he not even have the child overnight until there was a woman around to do the parenting work there for him too?

I also don't understand the GM situation: if the child sleeps in her bed is that with the boyfriend? Is the child there when she's drunk and fighting with this BF?
All sounds horrible and upsetting for a child.